Originally published April 2011.
This post has been percolating for the last week (actually the last 18 years) since I read these articles (I’ve since removed the links as they are dead links now):
1 in 5 US Moms Have Kids with Multiple Dads
Single Men More Likely to Cheat on Taxes
One Woman Goes Undercover on Dating Site for Cheaters
25 Richest Hedge Fund Managers Made $22 Billion Last Year
Last week as I was trying to get ready for work, get the kids ready for school and make the lunches, I caught the tail end of a segment on the Today Show about the richest hedge fund earners this year. John Paulson, Ray Dalio, Jim Simons and David Tepper all topped out the list each earning over $2 billion. I believe in capitalism so my beef is not with these men who earned these unimaginable amounts of money. More power to them. I hope they spread the wealth around a little by hiring a bunch of people as well as giving it away to charitable organizations.
Sorry, I got off track a little. I’m not angry that these men made all this money, but it occurred to me as I was watching the segment, and later thinking about it, that I will never come close to earning that kind of money, I’m in the wrong profession and I am a mother. I probably work more hours than most of these men, but effort doesn’t usually count. In addition to being in the wrong profession I am also a single mom and that means I will never make that kind of money without having a rich uncle somewhere or being divorced from someone like Donald Trump. Is he currently single?
Which brings us to the next article about 1 in 5 moms who have kids with multiple dads. The article is interesting and worth reading, but what has stuck with me most was this:
An important message that doesn’t appear to be getting through is just how hard it is to raise a child as a single parent.
“While these women tended to be poorer than others to begin with, their whole lifetimes continue to be disadvantaged,” the study’s author, Cassandra Dorius said.
I’ll tell you how hard it is and maybe some of you will listen. Maybe some of you will rethink your assumptions about single mothers (see the comments on the article about single men tax cheaters) and maybe some of you will work on your marriage and stay together rather than look to dating sites for cheaters.
As some of you know I have been married and divorced, twice. I have one child from each marriage. I am college educated, intelligent and somewhat street smart. I don’t do drugs and I don’t gamble. And yet I have struggled for the past 18 years even though I have always been employed in one form or another. I have never gone on welfare, though I could have certainly qualified for the service.
I can work and I do now, but that wasn’t always the case. I was not working at the time of both my divorces, but that was because both husbands thought it wise that I stay home with the children since daycare was so expensive for infants. Both marriages ended when each of my kids were 8 months old. Thankfully I have had a lot of financial help from my family, but always reluctantly and always with strings and lots of judgment.
And judgment is just what any mother needs isn’t it?
The implication is that I am lazy, or careless with money because I never seemed to have enough, when in reality what I don’t have enough of is time. Being a single mother means you will never have enough time in the day to do what married couples do seemingly effortlessly because there are two of them. In addition to working a full time job, I have to help the kids with homework, I have to feed them, I have to wash their clothes, I have to meet with their teachers and take them to the doctor when they get sick which means I have to miss work when they get sick. It is that last one that is the real career killer and why it is I have forged a career where I can work from home. I still don’t have enough time, but at least no one can threaten to fire me because my child has strep throat for the fourth time this year.
Yes, I actually got fired for that.
And then I went out and found another job and another job all the while letting the things like laundry, cooking and cleaning go as well as only half paying attention to homework because I spent so much time looking for a job that wasn’t based solely on commission.
Shitty Jobs
I have taken more shitty jobs than I care to recount and most of them ended poorly because the groups I worked for were shady at best. As a single mom who has been floating from one job to another for the last two decades I don’t get the interviews for companies that are trustworthy or stable. I get called back by the shysters and the fly-by-night companies, mostly sales positions.
- I have sold used cars and even continued after a ‘customer’ taking a test drive stated he could drive me anywhere and kill me and no one would ever know.
- I have sold credit card processing to business owners who could not understand the terms of what they were signing.
- I have sold Melalueca and other multi level marketing products which always cost me more than I made.
- I have worked at retail shops making minimum wage.
- I have worked for several questionable online companies of which I am too ashamed to list here.
- I have cleaned houses.
- I have even cleaned and painted properties for my real estate agent ex husband.
- I never thought I would ever take any of these jobs, but I have lived through two recessions and now there isn’t any job that is beneath me.
- I have considered turning tricks and I have considered suicide on more than one occasion.
Depression
Not that I want to die or have sex with strangers for money, but after trying everything else and still coming up short I’ve wondered if the kids wouldn’t be better off with someone who could support them. Friends and family aren’t the only ones who judge you as a single mom, pretty soon you start to do it too.
And that’s just the financial side of being a single mom.
It gets worse. You see there is no one there to help when a child spikes a fever in the middle of the night, to take turns cleaning up vomit or soothe the sick child. There is no one there to tell you everything is going to be okay when you don’t know how you are going to make it through one more day. There is never anyone there to back you up when trying to set boundaries for your kids, and no one ever says “Listen to your mother” and “Don’t talk to to your mother that way”. When you tell the kids if they do that one more time you will pull the car over, they know you won’t because as a single mother you just want to get from point A to point B without stopping, probably because you’re almost out of gas.
You Do it All
As a single mother you are Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. You are the one who explains all the hard lessons of life and you are the one who more often than not has to tell them they can’t go to camp, play in an after school sport or take swimming lessons because it is just not in the budget. You are the one who has to explain to them that they won’t be able to do most of the things other kids do like go to Disney Land or take anything but Staycations.
While I am not suggesting women stay in marriages that are abusive or where addiction is involved I am here to tell you that no matter how bad you think it is being married with children it is a million times harder being single with children. Forget dating, forget going out with your friends, forget shopping and forget looking your age.
Being Poor is Really Expensive
You see, once you are a single mom it’s hard to catch up. Being poor is really expensive and since you probably won’t have a financial net it will cost you dearly. Late payments and overdraft fees add up and you get both because even though everyone tells you not to count on child support you do anyway because it is money coming to you and all that stuff about it being a law. The bank doesn’t care that your child support payment didn’t come and they don’t care if a client didn’t pay. They are in charge of your money so you learn to suck it up in the hopes that they won’t take all of it. As a single mom you have to make hard choices. Processed food is less expensive than healthy food and it keeps longer. You can feed your kids a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese for about $2 or you can spend a lot more and give them something healthy. Healthy eating is a luxury.
Keep it to Yourself
Of course you can’t share all of this with your kids because they have enough to worry about and don’t need to know about the things that keep you from sleeping most nights. It’s hard enough for any kid to grow up these days, they don’t need the added stress.
There are certainly single moms out there who are doing well. Sandra Bullock, Meg Ryan, Cheryl Crowe and other celebrities can easily afford to hire nannies and other domestic help and they make it look easy, but most of us aren’t celebrities. Still, you hear of women who write books, start successful businesses and climbed the corporate ladder all while raising their kids on their own. I don’t know how they did it, and I have asked God (or whoever is up there running things) numerous times to please share the secret with me because so far I haven’t figured it out. He hasn’t answered me yet, but I’m still hopeful.
Can’t Even Imagine
Of course it isn’t all doom and gloom. If you work hard enough and your kids stay healthy you can expect to achieve in 18 years what normal people do in six months.
I don’t know what I would do with those billions of dollars that the hedge fund guys earn. I can’t even imagine having that much money. Knowing what I know I would do something to help other single women who were struggling like I have. I’ve often fantasized about winning the lottery when it gets really high. I don’t buy lottery tickets so my chances of winning aren’t very good, but occasionally I drive by one of the billboards with the jackpot amount all lit up and it gets me thinking what I would do with something like $315 million. While I would certainly stock my pantry, fix my leaky basement, pay off my car and maybe even take the kids to Disney Land I don’t know that I would do anything extravagant.
I would love the feeling of depositing that kind of money in my bank and watching them come to me to do a little ass kissing. And then I would give it to an accountant somewhere else so they never got their hands on any of it. I fantasize about that a lot. I also dream of having envelopes of cash, say $10,000, at the ready so when I see a mom in the grocery store who is disheveled, telling her kids no to all the candy and toys and who clearly hasn’t slept in days (in other words a single mom because if not she would have left the kids at home) I can just hand it over to her and walk away. It wouldn’t solve all her problems, not even close, but for a few days she might just be able to breathe.
I don’t understand, and never have been able to understand why the government tends to think that people can afford to eat. When “The Boy” got out of jail and was living in our house, he got food stamps but he only got 150 per month. That’s great if you want to live on processed food, that buys staples, bread, milk, eggs and the 60/40 hamburger, not the lean stuff that keeps your arteries from getting clogged, and potatoes but not fruit, well, not fresh fruit or veggies either. No wonder this country is obese. I don’t have a lot of money, but when I see a family paying with food stamps, and they run short, I always try to scrape up whatever change they might need to finish the order, especially if I can tell that they are trying to make good food choices with the limited resources they have. I’ve never been a single parent, but in the past we were a one income family, I know what it’s like to be a have-not. I feel for you Jen.
I’m a single mom with one son and get $400 a month from the government for food… We eat healthy home cooked meals every night… Practically lol Sometimes it is easier to make the processed stuff when you’re out of time or low on energy. Our fridge is always stocked up with fresh fruits and veggies. And there’s only 2 of us =]
That’s great Jessika, I’m glad you’re able to keep your family healthy, and I’m glad you get enough for food. 400-450 is about right for two people. But if “The Boy” had to be on his own for the $150, he would have starved. Also I remember when hot dogs were cheap, my fam ate a lot of them growing up. Well, that and whatever deer my dad could shoot or hit with the car.
lol I’m from california I’ve never even seen a deer hahaha.. Anyway, He’s lucky he got anything especially just out of jail I know a few people who were denied medical and G.R. and they’re diabetics!! All because they were fresh out of jail
Apparently Washinton is pretty lenient about that, they kept adding to his card when he was in jail too, just in case he had people at home depending on him. I promptly took it from him as soon as I could get my hands on it. The corner store lets people abuse it and he would have bought 3 cases of Rock Star instead of food.
Aw, kiddo. I wish I could send you more than my admiration and some virtual hugs. I was raised by a single mom and my God-daughter is now a single mom to a 4 year old little boy. I can’t even imagine being responsible for someone else. I can barely be responsible for me. The Republicans call themselves the Family Values party, but if you look at everything they’re trying to cut, it’s all services and programs that benefit families and children, while they fight like hell to save tax breaks for oil companies. I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time of it. You deserve better, my friend. And don’t you ever dare think your kids would be better off without you. Ever!
Hugs and love…
Wow, what to say besides, WOW! Beautiful smart touching post. Sending warm thoughts and big hug your way. I cannot fathom doing what you do, most days I struggle to keep it together with a marriage and jobs and dogs and housework etc, without kids.
I am friends with a single mom who also struggles, and it is amazing to me how the system works against her. Shocking really. You are doing good stuff, please know that!
An extremely poignant post. I’m sure your kids appreciate everything you’ve done for them even without Disneyland and stuff. If they don’t appreciate you at the moment because they’re pissed they can’t have a computer game that their best friend has, they’ll get over it. They know you’ve been around for all the important stuff. That’s what counts in the scheme of things – love, trust and lots of hugs.
I don’t have anything else to say but you sound like an incredible mom.
You’ve cut right to the heart of the matter — several matters, actually — in this post, Jen. Intelligent, well-articulated and to the point, this is another of your personal bests.
And I’m sorry that it’s so hard. It shouldn’t be, but life is so terribly unfair, especially in our current economy. Your kids are lucky to have you, and don’t ever let yourself think otherwise. You bust your ass for them in more ways than one, which is why you’ve long been a personal heroine of mine, and that sets you apart from many moms, including moms who have a lot more resources than you do.
Many hugs.
Sometimes (often) people are stupid, remember that when they start making you doubt yourself. You don’t need to justify yourself to them or anyone else. It may not mean much, but I’m incredibly proud of all you’ve accomplished. You are an inspiration Jen.
It always seems the people who don’t need it or aren’t the nicest always get the best breaks in life.
I have been a single mom for my entire marriage (he’s been out of the house for about five years and pays all the bills as no one will hire a 50 year old woman without a college degree in this town). I say that because I was always the one to do all the things. He would work on doing things to totally undermine anything I said as far as discipline tactics. He would even go so far as to say to me in front of my son, “Well, how do I know YOU’RE telling me the truth about what he (my son) did…I wasn’t there to see it – you might be lying.” When you get “support” like that – you’d do better without it – trust me.
Many things are MUCH easier for me now than when he was present in this relationship. But I don’t know how I am going to handle not having health insurance or an income when he finally files for divorce. Health care scares me the most as I have numerous issues: wonky heart, wonky thyroid, wonky everything else. I, too, feel so sorry for these women who won’t ever crawl out from under – and it’s very scary I will be there shortly I’m sure…only I have no friends or family to rely on. A fact my “eventually-to-be-ex-husband” knows all too well and continues to jab that knife in and twist as only he can. I can honestly say I haven’t been stress free ONE DAMN DAY in 24 years of marriage. I don’t know how much this has contributed to my depression and health issues…but it sure as hell hasn’t helped them.
I hope we both win the lottery – only here in Alabama they don’t even have one – so I can’t even hope. 🙁
Great blog, btw.
Jen, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. My kids were 3 years and 3 months when their dad and I split up. I had no idea it was as hard as it was. I did work full time and somehow we managed, but hardly well. The only thing that may have helped is that at 24, I really was too stupid to know it was going to be so difficult. Kids do grow up. And it does get easier.
Thank you everyone for all your comments of support. I wasn’t very clear but I am not going through a challenging time at the moment. I am actually doing better than I have in years but these articles hit a wound that I don’t suppose will ever completely heal. Parenting is hard, being broke is disabling and can easily snowball into something that can be devastating. I wrote this because I am tired of people who think that single moms are only good at taking advantage of government services and who don’t contribute to society. The truth is there are more of us than ever before and we are raising the next generation. Instead of judging single moms it would be prudent to figure out why this is happening.
As a single mother myself, I can relate to EVERY SINGLE WORD in this post.
“If you work hard enough and your kids stay healthy you can expect to achieve in 18 years what normal people do in six months.”
Yep.
That really would be a great feeling — being able to walk around with envelopes of cash to distribute to people who really need it.
And I don’t mean to get hung up on the details but damnation woman. You were stuck in a car with some guy taking a test drive telling you he could drive anywhere and kill you without anyone knowing?!
That’s nuts.
Nobody works harder than a single mom. There’s no such thing as “breathing room” when you’re scraping to get through each day. The pace is relentless. I was older when I became a single mom and it was still difficult. (And having a child with special needs exacerbates the issue.) I applaud you, Jen, for hanging in there. I hope one day those with excess resources use their largess to support those in need.
That was actually really touching and awesomely written. As a newly single father, about the only thing I could help you out with is the ‘sex with strangers’ thing, but I’d need to give you an IOU. Let me know.
Also: Your kids are lucky to have you.
I married Gail 4 years ago and renamed her Princess Gail because of her grace and elegance under the most trying of circumstances. She drove a POS. She lived in a modest little home, but it was her own. She managed to qualify herself for a mortgage and make the payments. She, like you, had worked many jobs, for small change money, and unbelievably always had a little bit in savings “just in case.” She had very little family support. Her ex was a nightmare. And for 18 years she had been the single mother of a very difficult autistic child. The reason for the very little family support is that she was basically ostracized from their lives because no one could stand being around her son, Eric. She managed all those illnesses, and doctors’ visits, and school meetings, etc, etc, etc, as you well described, on her own. Like you, she had no sounding board for discussing the many important day to day decisions that had to be made. She did it all herself.
I, on the other hand, made about 8 times the income she did, and was close to bankruptcy at the time of my divorce. I had gone through many of my own growth experiences before I met Gail, and I will be forever grateful that the universe had properly prepared me for the moment that I met her. I was able to recognize the treasure that she is.
I’m thinking you are a treasure, too.
“She drove a POS” — way to judge your treasure, there, Ferd.
She drove a car that worked. She bought it herself, she made it all happen herself. You, on the other hand, couldn’t manage shit. But you feel okay judging her house and her car in ways that probably never crossed her mind to do.
The way people express themselves never fails to gobsmack me.
I understand totally!
I divorced when my autistic son was 1 year old and was a single mother for 18 years after that. For all the reasons you mentioned, they were very difficult years. I remarried 4 years ago. My son is 22 and now lives in a special home and has for the past year. I am almost 50 years old and I feel like am just starting to live! I don’t have to work anymore. I spent so much time taking care of Eric, and though I am still very involved in his life, I now I have lots of time to myself. It’s hard to know where to start.
I think it’s a great idea about the lottery money. If I won the lottery, I would also use some of it to help single mothers.
This was a wonderful post, full of heart-wrenching feelings, emotions, and the struggle and fears that go with parenting on your own. You have put into words what many single parents go through every day for years upon years. It took courage to live it, and courage to share it.
Get me to that Like button! And quick!!!
Jen, this has to be one of the most honest posts ever! Being raised by a single mother it really moved me.
I have the same benefactor lottery dreams. Imagine how much good we could do with all that money? I keep playing the lottery and I know one day…well I keep playing.
My Spread the Love-winning spread sheet is ready to go in any event (-:
I hope you try to market this article beyond your blog. It’s polished enough, meaty enough and feels so nearly uncomfortably real that some smart and gutsy editors will want it for their own readers. Don’t just smile now, Jen, try it.
What a great post!
Jen, I think you are a fantastic mother! It’s just a pity you have to go through such a struggle. I think that your kids will grow up knowing the value of things far more than most kids, and I don’t just mean ‘things’, I mean life lessons that you are teaching them through the way you manage your life.
One of my sisters was a single mother, and it was tough going for her too. Because she learned how to make every penny (cent) count, through good management, she is now able to have anything she wants without getting into any debt. It does bring it’s rewards later in life.
*Stumbled*
I could barely breathe reading this. I wish I had more to say right now, but honestly, I don’t even know where I could even possibly begin. Blessings on you and yours.
I am “married” but do it all on my own too… people close to me call me a single mom. So I get it. Oh how I get it! I understood and felt every word you wrote – I wish you, me and all the others we know could finally find the “key” to making money through our creativity…
To me it means you never have everything crossed off your To Do list at the end of the day, but it also means living a blissful life because I am truly happy and free. It took me a long time to get here, but I have arrived.
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This is my honest question:
Why don’t all children have supportive mothers and fathers?
Statistics show that children are better off with two-parent families and robust support from extended families. Women have total control over reproduction.
Why not only procreate with men who will put their children first? There are lots of single, attractive, professional, caring, young men.
Before becoming a stay-at-home mom I worked with thousands of them at a
fortune 100 company first in Chicago and later in Dallas. I was
impressed with the American selection any type of high-quality man you could ever want: accountants, architects, engineers, Jews, Christians (Catholic and protestant), Atheists, Buddhists, Hindu, ect. And many of them were working hard to find a woman to settle down with and eventually have children.
Obviously the author worked hard to be a mother and is to be
commended. And is a great mother. She is smart, beautiful, and loves her children dearly.
But why do so many women
choose this thorny, difficult path? Is
it because they love bad boys? Or love
the victim card? Is it just to rebel
against traditionalism and show the world you don’t need a man?
Why are Americans (and other nations UK, Australia, ect) so
obsessed with demonizing and hating men?
I can’t imagine life being any better and without my husband
and both of our extended families I would be so stressed out. When my husband takes our twins so that I can
sleep in every Saturday (even though he is just as tired); or lets me take a bike ride when he gets home from work (even though he had a hard day), I say a little prayer thanking ( –) that I have him.
[…] to WordPress my best blog posts were What it’s Really Like to be a Single Mother, How To Change Your Furby’s Personality and Which is Better Oreck or […]
[…] I didn’t consciously uncouple from my ex husband. We had a nasty, drag down divorce that lasted two years, cost thousands in legal fees and forever changed the way I live. We didn’t have a lot to begin with but by getting divorced my kids and I had a whole lot less. I doubt Gwyneth experienced the monetary loss of a divorce and it certainly didn’t effect her career because she could handily afford care for her kids. Gwyneth Paltrow has no idea what it’s really like to be a single mom. […]