As I sit here on the eve of Valentines Day, that be all and end all to hopeless romantics, I am watching romantic tear jerkers on TV. So far I have cried to the ending of Armageddon and now I am watching Love Actually. I will cry at the end of this movie when they show the last scene at Heathrow airport. The one where all the lovers, family and friends are greeting each other at the arrivals gate. If you haven’t seen the movie and you want a good happy cry then watch the last 15 minutes of this movie.
I am actually considering watching Nights In Rodanthe.
I have no plans to celebrate Valentines Day. Not that I am against the fake holiday that was made only to sell more flowers and schmaltzy cards, I’m not. I just happen to be single at the moment and find celebrating the holiday by myself to be something akin to masturbation. Not that that is a bad thing, quite the contrary its a wonderful thing but should be done in private and not blogged about.
I’d like to fall in love again but I absolutely hate dating and it seems if you want to fall in love you have to date just a bit.
The problem with dating is that it is all bullshit. Neither party is telling the truth about themselves. When I go on a date I put on make-up, I fix my hair, I wear nice clothes that I would never wear in the real world because they are impractical and uncomfortable. I try to say witting things about myself. When asked what I do I say I am self employed, a writer, which sounds so much better than unemployed blogger who exploits herself for about 48 cents a day. If asked I would lie about my weight and height. I don’t lie about my shoe size but only because I have petite little feet which happen to be perfect. Unfortunately I get really creeped out by people who think that is a really good feature to have.
Most men I have either married or dated have lied about their lives too. My first ex lied about the women he slept with before he met me, while we were dating, married and ever since. Actually he doesn’t lie about them any more but it’s a tad late for honesty in that regard. I have dated men who lied about their jobs, how much they made, how many children they have and their sexuality. Yes I dated a guy who switched sides when he met me. Prior to meeting me he preferred men. Not that there is anything wrong with that but it was a little disconcerting for me and I ended it before it could go any further.
As the dating progresses the lies just keep building. He lies about how many times he talks to his mother each day and I avoid telling him that I refuse to even attempt to balance my checkbook. By then however intimacy has occurred and both are too deep into it so when the truth does come out about these things, which it inevitably will, it’s usually too late and since both parties lied, both are forgiven. Marriage follows and then divorce. At least that is my track record.
I don’t want to date anymore. I still want to be part of a couple but I don’t want to go through all the lies again. I want to have the prospective future ex husbands of mine make themselves at home on my couch. I don’t much care if they hog the remote, I don’t even think I care if they leave the toilet seat up. It has been years since I have taken a midnight dip so it might be that I have just forgotten what an eye opening experience that can be but I think I could let that slide.
I want to be myself around him. I want to walk around without make-up on if I feel like it. I want to say what is on my mind without worrying that I will sound either too bossy, too stupid, or too silly. And If I can’t let one rip without apologizing and blushing then there is no room for that man in my life.