I had surgery on Monday. I had a fistulotomy. I won’t go in to great detail about it but to say that my right butt cheek is pretty swollen and painful right now. If you want to know more you can Google the procedure.

I was given general anesthetic and placed on my stomach for the procedure. This created the lovely look of a very swollen face when I came out of it. This was the second phase to the surgery and the first one I was also placed under general anesthesia. I came out of that one very well. I was giddy and joking. This time I didn’t come out so well. I was depressed and crying when I woke up. The nurse explained that my reaction was not so uncommon for teenagers. Go figure.

I have never felt so depressed as when I woke up from this procedure. And I have been depressed before though usually for a reason. This time I just felt as low as possible and if they had given me a gun I would have used it. The feeling was that intense for only an hour or so but I was down the rest of the day. I was given opiates for the pain.

Ex husband #2 took me to the hospital and then picked me up when it was time to leave. He brought me home, picked up our daughter from school and brought her home and checked in on me a few times. I was supposed to have an adult stay with me for 24 hours following the surgery and ex #2 told the nurse he would stay with me. Had I been a little more with it I would have told the nurse that he would probably not be staying with me for the full 24 hours. Had I told her this I would have been admitted to the hospital for 24 hours. I wish I had been more with it.

As it turned out my ex assumed that my 15 year old son could look after me. He certainly could have called 911 if something had gone wrong but he wasn’t likely to take care of me. He didn’t know how. I would have settled for him taking care of his sister and seeing to her needs so I didn’t have to but that didn’t happen either. To my ex’s credit he did stop by and get our daughter settled into bed when it was bedtime.

Because my ex was not going to stay for the 24 hours, or at least through the night, I didn’t want to take any pain medication. I was already groggy enough from the anesthesia and I didn’t want to knock myself out if I had to be the only responsible adult in charge of my kids.

I spent the night watching Forensic Files on TV. I don’t know why I chose that show, I suppose I was already depressed so it seemed like a fitting show. I hadn’t watched these shows since I was pregnant with our daughter. My ex and I would watch these shows each night. Says a lot about our marriage.

No one called to see how I was doing. This really bummed me out which only added to the depressive feelings I was having coming off the anesthesia. I did receive a couple of emails from a family member asking if I had completed a task that they were waiting for. I had not. I wasn’t expecting flowers or anything like that but a little concern from family would have been nice. I felt very much alone and spent a good deal of time pondering what I had done to get myself in this place. I know I have become isolated in the last five or so years since my divorce but that was with friends more than with family.

I visit my mother at least once a week. I know she can’t remember that I was having surgery. When my cousin had surgery a year ago I went to her house several time to wash her hair since she couldn’t. I send cards and flowers to friends for birthdays and other special occasions. I do what I can and hope I let them know that I am thinking about them.

My children were not particularly helpful. They argued as much as ever even though I begged them to stop so I could rest. My son, who has no lost love for my ex, his ex step dad, mentioned to me that the only reason my ex helped out was to get out of his child support obligations. I explained that wasn’t possible and then went on about how he was the only one who did offer help and I didn’t appreciate my son dissing him that way. I then thanked him for sharing with me his belief that the only reason anyone would care for me was to get out of a financial obligation.

I need to make some changes apparently.