People

I Slept with Tiger

December 8, 2009

The cat is out of the bag.

Since everyone else is telling their tales about their transgression with Tiger, I thought I should share mine.

It was not too long ago and I had just recently taken up golf because I heard it could be really relaxing.

I found I had a thing for golfers. I couldn’t resist them, they were hot.

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Not only are the golfers hot but lets face it golf is a sexy sport. What other sport is there where men wash their balls in public? Every where I went some guy was washing his balls, talking about his balls, looking for his balls and hitting his balls. I’m only human, I couldn’t resist.

I started small, a caddy here and there, but eventually they weren’t man enough for me and I moved on to bigger and better courses with more ball washers.

big_ritt_all

The PGA tour was taking place here and I had managed to score a ticket from a friend who believed, like most people do, that golf was better watched from the couch. Golf is a challenging sport for all involved but for the fans particularly. Fans are forced to stand behind a thin rope and whisper for hours moving with the golfers on the course but unable to speak. They are a hardy bunch no doubt, they stand there in the hot sun, rain, wind and will even sacrifice themselves to the lightning gods so the pros stay safe.

I didn’t have that kind of dedication to the sport but liked to play an occasional nine holes.

mini_golf_courseI was pretty good too. I had mastered the windmill and was working on my elephant trunk swing.

But I have gotten off course.

On the 7th hole of the tournament our eyes met. He gave me that wink and smile that said “meet me in the clubhouse after I win and I will show you how I wash my balls”.

I was so there.

I grabbed a cocktail and waited in the clubhouse. After all the other fans had left I had Tiger all to myself. We talked a bit, about his game, about his endorsements, about his game some more and then after he woke me up from all the stimulating talk we drove back to his hotel.

I won’t go into gritty details but let’s just say he scored another hole in one.

Afterward we talked more about his game and endorsements. I gave him my number but knew I was just a one time thing for him. I wasn’t his typical golfing groupie. I used big words and hadn’t flipped my hair in ages. I could be discrete, but I wasn’t willing to change my voice mail recording for him.

I didn’t mind that he was seeing other women, he’s a sports legend, it comes with the territory.  I did mind that he always wore the same red shirt every day. I need variety in my life. I tried to convince him to wear a blue shirt or possibly a green one but he would have none of it.

Alas we were not meant to be.

In retrospect I am glad it didn’t work out. Who knew he was such an idiot? I certainly didn’t. On the golf course he is in complete control but in real life he hasn’t a clue. I had no idea there were so many other women that he had taken up with.  I didn’t realize that he liked women who were looking to become celebutards. I didn’t realize that he was dumb enough to believe that his transgressions would never get out.

As for his wife, I don’t think she hit him with the golf club because she was mad at him for his transgressions, I think she was trying to knock some sense into him. He may be worth $500 million but he is dumb as a post.

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  • Reply Maureen@IslandRoar December 8, 2009 at 11:32 am

    Oh, so clever…

  • Reply Brenda @ Split Rock Ranch December 8, 2009 at 11:43 am

    Celebutards….OMG…ROFLMAO… great post.

  • Reply Buggys December 8, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Very clever post! I love celebutards! Men are totally dumb.

  • Reply Katherine December 8, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    YOU CRACK ME UP! Just like the Michael Jackson post… OK… so let me know. Is it TRUE what they say about black men? Or is he too white a black man to count?
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..That’s What She Said! =-.

  • Reply Pricilla December 8, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    It’s amazing it took this long….

  • Reply injaynesworld December 8, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    LMAO! That is really, really good, girlfriend!
    .-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld we recount "The Great Party Caper…" =-.

  • Reply Lola December 8, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    Thank goodness he doesn’t have a thang for the underage ones. My daughter went with her golf team to watch at Cog Hill this summer.

    Awww…you missed me! Did you miss me enough to send me some goodies to review?

    Speaking of reviews…I’m going to be doing a wine review just before Christmas. A winery contacted me and shipped me 2 bottles to review. I’m waiting for them to recover from shipping. (It’s really hard to wait. Lol!)

  • Reply Becki December 8, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    Wow – you’re really putting it all out there!
    Well written 😉

  • Reply jessica December 8, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    I know WTF? Honestly, I think the money and fame really has them believing they are above reproach

  • Reply Ron December 8, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    BRAVA, Jen!

    HYSTERICAL post!

    You GO, girl!

  • Reply mike December 8, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    Great post, and I think ‘trangressions’ will forever become synonymous with this debacle. We’ll never be able to use the word again without conjuring up images of clubs and balls (unwashed or otherwise) .

  • Reply PJ December 9, 2009 at 6:53 am

    We never called called them ‘celebutards’ – but it’s a wonderful term for them.

    We called them ‘star f***ckers. Yes we did, but we were very young at the time and we did not always comport ourselves as ladies and gentlemen….Of course, nowadays we do. Just ask us.

  • Reply moooooog35 December 9, 2009 at 8:10 am

    Did you work on Tiger’s putz?

  • Reply drollgirl December 9, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    i think his wife should have hit him A LOT harder, and i hope she divorces his dumb ass.

  • Reply Jen December 9, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    Maureen: Apparently not so clever, everyone posted about sleeping with Tiger. But then the guy got around.

    Brenda: I love Celebutards. They make my life look really good. I would probably do stupid things if I got paid gobs of money for doing nothing but stand there, and do stupid things.

    Katherine: I can’t believe you said that! I think Tiger is too white for a big schlong.

    Pricilla: I know, I should have said something sooner but I’ve been busy, and he didn’t offer me any hush money.

    Jayne: Laugh that size 4 ass off all you want. Bitch.

    Lola: If he went after the underage ones he could kiss his endorsements goodbye. As it is he can probably keep them. Of course I missed you, and I will send some cookies if you tell me how you got to do a wine review. I want to do wine reviews, now.

    Becki: I figured I owed it to everyone who reads this blog. I haven’t been honest. I’ve been complaining about not getting any and all along I’ve been doing Tiger. It seemed like the right thing to do.

    Jessica: I know, WTF!. They must live in a bubble. One would think with so much exposure, cameras following them all over the place, that they would be a little careful about their transgressions

    Ron: Thank you. Just wait for the post on Jon Gosselin.

    Mike: They could call it Transgressiongate.

    PJ: I like your term better than mine.

    Mooog: He is a putz.

    Drollgirl: I can’t imagine that she won’t divorce him at this point. She has to. If she doesn’t she really is a fool, especially since she got to renegotiate the prenup.

  • Reply Anne December 9, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Are you calling me a celebutard? Just because Tiger stole my phone to erase all his messages? He didn’t offer me any money either. I could certainly use it.

  • Reply Hilary December 9, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Ha.. clever post. Thanks for the laughs.. and for your visit to my blog. 🙂

  • Reply wngl December 10, 2009 at 9:22 am

    hilarious!

  • Reply Jen December 10, 2009 at 11:48 am

    Anne: I would never call you a celebutard, you didn’t fare much better than me, no offers, no interviews, no movies to promote. What have we done wrong?

    Hilary: Thanks for stopping by mine too.

    Wngl: Thanks for stopping by, I’m trying to navigate through your blog, you’ve been at it for an awfully long time! Lots to read.

  • Reply Brandy December 10, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    That is a hilarious post, love it!! Great job!! I know it was hard to share your tale with the world though … so hard it must have been .. I am sure you are now glad you did 🙂 😉

  • Reply MikeWJ at TooManyMornings December 11, 2009 at 1:10 am

    Wait. A. Minute. I get that he’s dumb, and I get that your relationship wasn’t headed anywhere. But don’t you realize how much that ball washing and hole in one at the hotel are worth? You could retire on this experience, Jen, and never have to write a post using other people’s keywords again. My advice: Keep the details — like what size of club he was swinging that day — to yourself until you get a book deal and an appearance on Oprah.

  • Reply Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt December 11, 2009 at 8:32 am

    This is too funny. If I had balls, I’d wash them whenever I could. As for Tiger – Idiot is a good starting point.

  • Reply mrsblogalot December 11, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    LOL!!!! Jen, this was priceless (unless of course you are Tiger’s wife)
    xoooxoxxoMelyssa

  • Reply marie December 12, 2009 at 12:26 am

    amen. did you see the “interview” with one of the mistresses on the today show? she said that their 1.5 year relationship ended when she asked him for money. maybe he is not as dumb as you think. he got sex for buying them food, basically just their expenses, no wages.

  • Reply Katherine December 12, 2009 at 9:13 am

    Are you sure it wasn’t Tigger?
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..Our Catholic School is HAUNTED! =-.

  • Reply Stephanie December 12, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    So very funny! He really must be dumb as a post.

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