I usually mow my lawn on the weekends because that is when my neighbors on both sides of me mow their lawns. I do this because I don’t want my lawn to look crappy when their’s looks freshly cut. There is a certain rhythm to the neighborhood, lawn mowing is one of those things that is a dance (insert Lawn Mower Dance scene from She’s Having a Baby with Kevin Bacon, which I couldn’t find). However, we’ve had a couple of new neighbors move in on the block recently and they haven’t yet learned the steps to this complicated dance.
When Can I Mow My Lawn?
Don’t mow your lawn before noon on Sunday
Anytime after 9am is perfectly acceptable on a Saturday but before noon on a Sunday is just going to get you banned from the block party. The people on my block work hard all week long. They like to let loose a little on Saturday. This means no noise on Sunday mornings. You can mow your lawn after church, when even God doesn’t mind.
Weed Whacking isn’t necessary each week
If you use your weed whacker more than twice a month you are just showing off. Whack your weeds way down to the ground so you don’t have to make that infernal noise more than necessary. Mowing the lawn once a week is a necessity, weed whacking is just annoying, do it sparingly. Just because you have a hemi in your weed whacker doesn’t mean you penis is any bigger than the rest of us.
It’s unfair to mow your grass on a Tuesday
Keep with the schedule so all of our lawns look nice at the same time. When you mow on a Tuesday you are highlighting all the other lawns that haven’t been cut since Saturday and we all know you are just going to cut it again on the weekend.
Resodding is cheating
Unless you are selling your house it is unlawful to resod you lawn. It’s the easy way out and not appreciated by the other neighbors who will smile and pat you on the back for taking the plunge but behind your back will make fun of you and call you lazy. If you want a perfect lawn that isn’t filled with crab grass, creeping Charlie and dandelions then get out there with a pick and start weeding like everyone else. Remember, if it’s green, it’s your lawn. If you can’t handle the weeds then move to the suburbs where they don’t grow.
Push mowers are for wusses
People who are serious about their lawns fill their garage with all kinds of gas powered grooming tools. We spend the spring tuning up our machines to make sure they start on the first pull. In the fall we must choose one Sunday to start the mower and let it run until it is out of gas. We don’t care about the environment if it means our lawn suffers for it. If you have a push mower it means you probably don’t use weed killer or other environmentally toxic chemicals on your lawn and you probably let your dandelions go to seed. It’s neighbors like you that piss the rest of us off because your environmentally conscious lawn means more weeds for those of us downwind from you. We might invite you to the block party but you are going to have to bring your own beer.
This is the most shallow, petty, and ignorant thing I have read in a long time. Congratulations.
You are so welcome!
I'm really not trying to steal Jen's thunder here but you obviously haven't been to my blog.
Four words: raw chicken jello mold.
Huh! Well, unlike Ben, I think it's a very educational article and I agree with almost all of it. Still, that said, I've done the money dance, the toilet paper dance, but I have never done the lawn mower dance. What am I missing Jen? Also, I have something for you so come on over after you finish the lawn.
Obviously Ben hasn't read any of my other posts if he thinks this is the
most shallow and ignorant thing he has read.
The lawn mower dance is a scene in the movie She's Having a Baby. A John
Hughes movie from the 80's. I couldn't find the scene but it shows all the
guys out on Saturday mowing their lawn in a beautifully choreographed ballet
with lawn mower. I'll be over soon.
I need to learn that dance, Jen. I feel I'm under-educated without it. And you know how I feel about education, particularly in things like satire and humor!
Fresh green grass!
Fresh green grass?!
When can I come graze, erm mow for you?
Mmmmm, green grass.
I am very quiet. I won't wake the neighbors.
Pricilla I would love it if you would come and mow my grass. I am sure the neighbors wouldn't mind either. I hope you like creeping charlie.
Hey Jen! I loved this, but good grief, you have parties with your neighbours? I barely know mine to talk to. The folks next door to the right are insane and French! I have a note from my mother to excuse me. Indigo
Luckily I don't have French neighbors. That would just suck, I think, I don't really know.
We do have parties with our neighbors and they are usually great fun for those of us who attend. Like all the people who know when to mow at the right time. We have one neighbor who refuses to mow, or else she's dead.
Whew! Thankfully I don't have one neighbor to lawn fight with…I wonder why I keep nudging my husband to cut it every week.
Maybe the birds care?
It's just fun to nudge.
I have a neighbor who will mow twice a week in the middle of the summer. We hate him a little bit. I'm with you about the Sunday thing. I even told my husband to please not mow at all today because it'll break the streak of complete silence we enjoyed all day. Well, except for the idiot neighbor. But we napped, so we slept through it and didn't have to hate him today.
So much for quiet Sundays. Neighbor on the other side of me just fired up his mower. Ugh.
You need to leave a note like Joe does. Just cut and paste the city logo on some paper and leave at his door when he isn't home. Don't sign it, of course.
Resodding is cheating?
What about weeding? Weed and feed? Edging?
That's not cheating. Weeding, feeding and edging are hard work. If your lawn
looks good because of those things then you win. I do those things and still
my lawn looks like crap. I really want to resod.
Ha, we have the same ritual on our block…if someone gets out of sync, then I have been known to put a humorous note on their door.
One time I even put our city's logo on it and made it appear as if they had passed out the flyer…for a very short time I had them going that it really was the city that told them to 'get with the program'
I'm going to do that note leaving thing. The neighbor right behind me doesn't get it and he doesn't read my blog. The note is the next best passive aggressive act.
My husband has a freakin' Dixie Chopper. You know, the one the landscapers use. It is ridiculous. He goes flying by the window and he looks like a cartoon, he's going so fast. Although, in his defense we do have 12 acres and a houseful of daughters, so it's only him.
He was so excited when this thing got delivered to the house. That's how ridiculous it is. It gets delivered and the salesman comes with it to give you a lesson. Please. Anyway, this dude showed up and he was extremely nice, but get this. He had no hands. No freakin' hands! He just had these hooks. Now, I don't know what my husband was thinking. I would not buy a lawn mower from a guy with amputated hands. He SAID it happened in a car accident. But, I'm thinking Dixie Chopper accident.
I like your rules. And I love the smell of freshly mowed grass.
Didn't you write a post about this? I'm sure I read it. What is the URL?
I'd have been a bit nervous buying a machine with big blades from a guy with
no hands too, but that's just me.
It's called, It's Not A Purse, It's A Satchel and it is another poke at my husband. He's such a sport at being poked.
So you gonna make me look for it? If you would, copy and paste the post in a
reply so my readers can read it.
Oh, sorry! I thought a link would do the trick. Do you want me to send it to you in a reply like this? The whole thing copied and pasted? Cause it's long. Please explain in blonde girl language which is really slow with sign language if you can.
I'm so sorry, I forgot that I have to type slowly when I talk to you about
technical things. It's okay if it's long. Yes, copy and paste the URL in the
reply to this, that way it will end up in the comment section and then
everyone else can read it because it is a really funny post.
Wait… Don't copy and paste the whole post. Just the post URL. The URL is
the address of the post. So it would look like
I don't know how to explain this properly it might be easier if I just come
over and get it.
Okay, but wasn't that what I was doing with my link? I copied and pasted it in the cute little heading, It's Not A Purse, It's A Satchel and linked it to the URL because I might be a dumb blonde, but I'm a fancy blonde. Just for the record, I did understand copying and pasting the URL, but I thought I'd pretty it up, like a great pair of stilettos. So, here's the URL and just so you know this has been a hilarious back and forth, so thanks for the fun on a Sunday night!
I don't know what you did with your link, I couldn't see one. Which is why I
got a little scared that you might copy and paste the whole post. Not that
you couldn't, you most certainly can, but you tend to go on and on even more
than me some times and, well, that's just expecting a lot from the readers.
This has been very hilarious!
Some guy with no hands demonstrating a new lawn mower would not be a confidence booster.
Oh, this little how-to will come in handy when M and I move. Which, I've been told, should happen sometime within the next 6-10 years. By the way, I have something for you over at my place. 😉
Thank you so much for the award!
Enjoy the non mowing years. A lawn brings out the worst in people. I've been known to yell “get off my lawn” a time or three thousand. I'm too young to be that person yet but I work so hard on it and one little step can just ruin it.
Anyone who mows their lawn or weed eats or any of that noisy stuff at 7 am on Saturdays or Sundays should be arrested. I know people who do that. All of their neighbors hate them.
They should be drawn and quartered. Don't these people have better things to do at 7am on a Saturday. I bet they wake at the crack of dawn and just sit there all jittery waiting to cut their grass.
We are the neighbors that bought the house with a gorgeous back garden that was a joy for the other neighbors to see from their upstairs windows/decks and turned it into a weed infested Little Tykes graveyard.
And somehow our little strip of front lawn turned from being somewhat grassy into pure clover this year. We're going to have to sod but who has the money for that? I'm thinking of just borrowing a goat every week to eat the clover down to a manageable size.
That's why I moved to the artsy-liberal area of town, sure the neighbors mind and they seethe but they better not say boo to us because we will have a borrowed goat and thus win the earthier than thou prize.
I've been thinking about a goat too. It would help a lot. Right now the dog will eat a little grass here and there but not enough to keep it trimmed properly. I used to have a Little Tykes backyard but when we moved I refused to bring them with us. The daughter cried until she saw the playground size (as in the previous owners of the house went out and stole a part of some school playground set) slide. It was cool at first but now that I realized it is set in concrete about five feet underground it isn't so cool. And no one slides on it.
I have a gardener who mows every two weeks, and that's really all the yard needs (here in drought-ridden SoCal, we're lucky if the lawn doesn't just turn brown), but I've always kind of wanted a goat. We get serious coyotes here, though, and I would be constantly worrying about it.
Going to have to get sheep. Goats don't eat clover.
Ughh! In our neighborhood, people most people mow early in the week, a few on the weekends. I usually mow later in the week, it's just how it happens, even if I plan. I have grass allergies and I wish there were a way to get everyone to mow on the same 1 or 2 days, but as it is, it seems that someone is mowing every friggin' day of the week. Grrrr!
You have to put a stop to that somehow. It's just wrong. Ideally everyone
would cut their grass between 10 and noon or 2 and 4 on a Saturday and no
See, now I usually wait until my neighbours go to church on Sunday and then mow my lawn while they're gone. That way, they get to enjoy the silence when they get back and they also believe their constant praying to God has payed off 'cause it's a freakin' miracle that we actually mowed.
Nicky it always amazes me what a giving human being you are. You are always thinking about other people. How long is your growing season up there?
What can I say? Must be the Canadian in me 🙂
Our growing season is too freakin' long, to be vague, and about 4 to 5 months to be more specific (about May to September).
innit, i’m similar but i dont really give a flying F*** what day it is to “weed whack” or sort my own garden out, its my garden and the law and council say when its ok not bloody next door lmao. If you want to DRILL MASSIVE HOLES IN YOUR HOUSE ITS OK AFTER 9AM in the uk all day long until you get bored or run out of wall, and same with gardens, stupid American idealisation of anything they can try and hold sacred wheres it got them??? Iraq, Afghanistan and other complete twoddle. The entire country needs to grow up and start acting like a mature and sensible society. Bloody ingrates, full metal jacket says it all. No sympathy whatsoever for whatever is coming their way, and be sure it is coming. All bullies get beat down eventually. Peace out from the uk.
Dude, the person you just made fun of is Canadian. Chill the fuck out, it’s all in fun. Dumbass.
Why are you picking on the Canadians? Seriously, you don’t know who you are messing with. Nicky can rip you a new one in at least two languages. Nicky, are you going to put up with this?
Hi RR, I am here from Say Anything. Great interview. I'm not sure how I missed your blog unless I've been thinking all this time that you and Dee were the same. That could be. I'm glad I stopped by. What a fun place. I call our lawn “Bill's Breast Fed Lawn” , because he is so particular about what, when, where and how..
CC (I'm having spelling issues today and that second word just looked hard)
Welcome and thanks for stopping by. Nope, Dee and I are actually two different people but we are redheads and a lot of people think we all look the same.
I bet your lawn looks really nice.
we moved into a new house (2 years ago, but who is counting), with a patch of clovers and 5 blades of grass out front. the rest is woodchips, whatever my two year old threw over the porch that week, and hand-me-down little tikes crap that is faded from the sun. AND my husband is a landscaper. i win! i am available to accept my white trash award Mon-Fri between the hours of 5 and 8pm. but be warned- sometimes wine starts at 3.
Oh, Britt, you will fit in so nicely here!
I'll get that award to you right away.
I have dead things under my deck. Not people, just birds, mice and an occasional squirrel. Do you have any dead things?
I bet your HOA has rules about shingle color and sizes of fences too, don't they? Wait! There's your solution. Write new rules into the covenants and then you can let an attorney educate the new guy on the rules of the neighborhood.
We don't have an HOA, I live in the city where you can paint your house any color you want, have a dirt lawn if you want and put pink flamingos in your yard if you want. My house is the ugliest one on the block with it's really dreadful siding colored mustard yellow. I don't know who the salesman was who sold this horrible color but I'd like to meet him, I bet he is one master salesman.
Every neighborhood has it's own mowing culture. That's funny.
I think anything goes around here. I learned that the first year when people were mowing at any time of day or night. (Yes, even at dusk!)
I have a flexible schedule, so I'm mowing today or tomorrow. I know, I'd be banned from your block party. But I have to do something to keep up. With three young kids it's hard to keep up with my neighbors and their freaking immaculate lawns.
It's okay, you have an excuse, for now. It's never too early to teach those kids how to run the lawn mower. I did it too late and thus my 17 year old cuts it like he doesn't care. Currently he isn't allowed to cut the grass because of his cast. I mow the lawn like I vacuum rather than in straight lines. It drives all the men on the block crazy to watch me do it so wrong but once it rains you can't tell.
This was extremely helpful. Next, can you please write a post where you yell at my next-door neighbors about using a drill right outside my window after 9PM?
Yes, yes I can. Drills, table saws and air compressors, I have a lot to say
about all of their uses after a certain time.
Wow, I would be completely banned from your neighborhood (forget the block party, they would probably picket outside my door). We mow the lawn when we get around to it (certainly not every week). But the rest of the neighbors do the same thing. One of the joys is having that 2 day period where your lawn looks the best and if you stagger mowing schedule, everyone gets that feeling of superiority.
Good set of lawn rules. I only have one to add…either side neighbor should feel free to do mine while they are are it!
That's a good rule, you have to master the pathetic look for it to work
properly. I've only been able to achieve the look when a tire needs
Absolutely hilarious! And great. I hate that my neighbors next door on the left keep their yard so nice all the time 'cause they're always making me look bad. The neighbors on the right usually make me look good until the summer when they don't seem to work at all and spend hours everyday out there. As you can see we have no rhythm at all. I'm moving to a neighborhood where I can pretend to be helpless and get others to cut my lawn. 😀
I don't believe that's your lawn. I think it's Astro turf. Where are the gofer holes? I've long given up the battle, having become convinced that these bastard rodents will be the lone survivors of a nuclear holocaust — which is pretty much what my “lawn” looks like it's experienced.
Some of us have size 4 asses. Some of us have nice lawns. God is ultimately fair.
That is not my lawn. Mine has about ten blades of grass and nothing but
little holes in it from the possessed squirrels I keep trying to hit with my
sling shot. I hate them with a passion. My back yard is lumpy. I don't know
why. I put down at least ten bags of grass seed each year, I weed, I
fertilize and I do everything in my power to make it look nice. I can't even
blame the kids because they won't even play on it.
I want to print this on a banner and put it in my neighbor's lawn!
It's not a proper lawn without dandelions. They're like little patches of sunshine.
We have such small gardens compared to you in the US that mowing the lawn take all of 5-10 minutes. We do ours (Mo does ours) midweek so Sundays are quiet.
Are you always this shallow and petty? Oh I forgot, and ignorant?
My neighbor across the street mows his lawn Every. Other. Day. It's the most annoying thing ever. Also, he has been known to blow the snow off his driveway AS it is coming down – even if it's 10 pm.
Okay, I have been known, as has my neighbors, to go out and snow blow while
it is snowing just to stay on top of it. This is only for 12 or more inches
That's only at the beginning of winter when my sidewalks are still clear.
After there is a little built up snow and ice I could care less and go with
the mantra “it's going to melt at some point” so what if it's three months
Okay, I am CRYING laughing at this.
Neighbors really SHOULD be banned from the block party if they mow the lawn before noon on Sundays. And, mowing during the week just makes everyone else look bad – which is so not cool!
But you really got me with “Push mowers are for pussies.”
Okay, this makes perfect sense to me. You know what I don't get? The peeps that don't mow their lawns. We've got a few around the hood that I sure as hell know aren't environmentalists and are just plain lazy sloths. But, whatever.
Hey! great article I really enjoyed!! I always keep visiting this blog, keep it up good work!!!
My mower is electric so where do I fit in? SUPER QUIET, THOUGH!
I am one of those people that lets their shit go to seed your manacured lawns. I don't give a shit, and I am not paying $$ for that POS lawn of mine.
innit I let mine seed then mow the f****r on a sunday like today, omg at 9am that’s about now, gotta go and prime the “weed Whacker” seriously tho, I was just looking fer something to do fer 20 mins this blog has helped me realise that Americans are really as stupid as they come across. Thanks. Will ensure I only visit south America and Canada on my travels, Europe was fun and educational, i feel Amewica would be going back a few decades. . . . Japan looks fun. Yata!! O yo shi ma na sa I.
How about I don t mow my lawn at all, Can I do that?
Sorry. If your fat, lazy ass aint up by 10am on Sunday. Too bad. Noon on a Sunday. People have stuff to do and don’t have time for you to get out of bed, princess.
Did you even read this post?
are u a moron. seriously. An omnipotent being would be annoyed at weed whacking. . . . Oh dear. That must be why the church is buckling under the immense pressure of weed whacking, oh, no. Perhaps its because the majority of the entire world can now think for itself and have an informed opinion? I’m going to go out and “weed whack lol” my back garden at prexaclty 9am, and oh dear its sunday. Pish.