Barry White, 1991

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Do you talk dirty to your spouse, significant other or FWB (friend with benefits)? Is it something you both like to do or is one of you more into it?

I ask because when not expected it can throw the whole thing.

Years ago I was with this guy, a friend I had known for decades. A platonic friendship mainly because we were both always involved with other people. But there was an attraction. Anyway, we went out one night, both of us finally single and as luck would have it his kids and my kids were at the other ex-spouses’ for the weekend. That only happens when the stars align so we took advantage of the situation.

Things were going as well as can be expected for two people who had not been with anyone else except for a long time spouse. Okay, it was awkward and a little scary. We’d known each other since we were in our teens and now we were both in our 40s. A lot can change in those years and if you haven’t done the nasty on a regular basis you might worry you have forgotten a few things. Or worse there were new things developed and no one told you about them.

But we persevered.

And things seemed to be going well, at least from my perspective things were looking up, as they should.

And then bam! He started saying things that would make a hooker blush.

And that was it for me. I tried to be polite but the magic was gone and I couldn’t get it back.

He could sense something was wrong and tried to spark the flame again…

by talking even dirtier to me!


What to do? I’m polite if nothing else, I couldn’t very well say “please stop using those horribly offensive words while we are trying to do this. It’s breaking my concentration and frankly it makes me think I had you pegged the wrong way all these years”.

See the thing was, this guy was about as mild mannered a guy as I have ever known. I had no idea that talking dirty was something that turned him on. We’d talked about sex many times during our friendship but he never let it slip that this was something he really liked. It never came up so it took my by surprise.

Had I known this about him I could have practiced before we got together. And I would have had to practice because talking dirty does not come naturally to me. It kind creeps me out. Not that there is anything wrong with it. If you like it and your partner likes it then by all means go for it. And not to say that I haven’t ever talked dirty. There are times when dirty talk are the only words that can be used. Usually used during phone sex when really being there isn’t possible and you have to get descriptive with your words.

I could have practiced but I would have cracked myself up too much to ever be convincing.

Him: Oh, baby, tell me what you want. (said in a slow sexy drawl)

Me: Oh, jeez i can’t do this.

Him: Just try baby, give it to me, you know I like it that way.

(I can’t even do it here)

Me: Okay….baby. Could I say something besides “baby” ?

Him: Sure, you can call me “daddy”. (again in the slow drawl kinda like Barry White, except he has a much higher pitched voice, especially when he is excited)

Me: Nope, I can’t call you daddy.

Him: Okay, call me “lover”.

Me: Nope that won’t work for me either. It reminds me of Love American Style or when my parents were trying to sound all hip and with it.

Him: Snookums?

Me: I’m outa here.

I can’t even do it in print let alone in real life.

Needless to say we are just friends again. Thankfully.

I am not a prude, I will try just about anything. And with the right guy I might have been able to learn how to talk dirty. But that first time is no time to jump into it. Give me a little notice, maybe a script and I can probably get with the program. Oh and lots of Vodka too, that would have helped immensely.


Day 2 of the low carb week.

Day 2 is not as bad as day 1 was. I am not hungry but I still want to have bread. The good thing is that my blood sugar isn’t spiking and crashing and that makes me feel much better and probably why yesterday was so hard. I don’t have a headache today so all in all it is going better than I expected it would. I am pretty sure I can make it through the week and probably beyond. I have lost 2 lbs since yesterday. All water I am sure but I’ll take it.

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