Upon realization that the government does not yet have a monopoly on all forms of transportation the white house did what could only be called the most logical thing to do, they declared a Swine Flu pandemic which is spread through close human to human contact that can only result when people are in close, airtight quarters such as those found on airplanes, subways, trains and buses.
“Luckily, we have Joe Biden to spread this message” Said Guy Feebling, Secretary of Panic, “We’ve always known there was a time meant just for Joe, a moment that would be handed to him to reveal his courage and clear thinking”
That public and private schools all over the country are shutting their doors only weeks before graduation is just an added bonus according to Heidi Hysterian director of the National Centers for Fear Mongering and Collective Chaos.
“Our economy was bad but it wasn’t bad enough” Heidi explained. “By decimating the travel industry we can put many more people out of work. Closing schools not only eliminates having to pay our teachers but it effectively ties the hands of parents all over the country thus putting many more people at risk for losing their jobs. And while our nations kids are not at risk of being shortchanged educationally it can’t hurt if we have to hold many of them back. If we could find a new permanent disease we could, quiet efficiently, get a new generation on the country’s teet much sooner than we had hoped.”
Putting the pork industry out of business is just added gravy.
“The phoenix can not rise out of the ashes until everything has burned down” said an anonymous white house staff member.