Upon realization that the government does not yet have a monopoly on all forms of transportation the white house did what could only be called the most logical thing to do, they declared a Swine Flu pandemic which is spread through close human to human contact that can only result when people are in close, airtight quarters such as those found on airplanes, subways, trains and buses.
“Luckily, we have Joe Biden to spread this message” Said Guy Feebling, Secretary of Panic, “We’ve always known there was a time meant just for Joe, a moment that would be handed to him to reveal his courage and clear thinking”
That public and private schools all over the country are shutting their doors only weeks before graduation is just an added bonus according to Heidi Hysterian director of the National Centers for Fear Mongering and Collective Chaos.
“Our economy was bad but it wasn’t bad enough” Heidi explained. “By decimating the travel industry we can put many more people out of work. Closing schools not only eliminates having to pay our teachers but it effectively ties the hands of parents all over the country thus putting many more people at risk for losing their jobs. And while our nations kids are not at risk of being shortchanged educationally it can’t hurt if we have to hold many of them back. If we could find a new permanent disease we could, quiet efficiently, get a new generation on the country’s teet much sooner than we had hoped.”
Putting the pork industry out of business is just added gravy.
“The phoenix can not rise out of the ashes until everything has burned down” said an anonymous white house staff member.
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Great post. Mary Ann Ahern in Chicago did her part yesterday by saying that she expects even more schools to close.
Why not shut down the country? We can all stay in the comfort of our homes until the Swine Flu dies out. More and more of us are unemployed anyway. Shut the country down for 2 weeks, 3 weeks. In preparation for it we could tell everyone the shutdown starts on Monday, that way they can go to the grocery store and begin stockpiling food for the 2-3 week shutdown.
Great post!
Well, as anyone will tell you, the best and most influential way to get Americans to do silly things is by making them hysterical about it.
Sure seems that way to me.
Anyway, I’m eating a nice and greasy BLT and suggest you do the same – it’s good food.
:o)
Lola, I’m with you. Let’s all start rioting and pillaging. The government can give us all a couple of billion each, which is petty cash to them, and we can all stay home and watch cable.
Paotie, since we are all going to die anyway we might as well eat greasy blts.
But the media THRIVE on hysteria. It’s their JOB. We need the media (this being a free country and all), so it’s absolutely imperative that the government back them up (and frankly, this whole flu thing and the craving for news might actually save a few newspapers that were about to go under, and therefore a few govt bailout bucks).
Plus there’s a side benefit–if public transportation gets shut down, we will all have to buy more cars. That’ll beef up the flagging auto industry.
I’m sure there’s a conspiracy in there somewhere. But being the RESPONSIBLE reporter that I am, I refuse to release my sources.
Funny post Jen I wrote about this today as well. Here’s my question how is this some type of epidemic I mean less than .1% of the entire US population has caught the damn flu? I don’t get it, maybe it’s me…I mean don’t more people have the common cold at any given time in the USA and it’s just as contagious if not more WTF. Of course it’s me I’m too cynical.
Mother, the pharmaceuticals will surely benefit but they are already in the back pockets of the government so I wasn’t sure how to fit them in. Seems to me it’s really just a slow news week.
Too funny! Just too add to the ridiculousness… the government has 50,000 stockpiled courses of tamiflu sitting on a shelf. If the outbreak fizzles out, which they usually do, they all get thrown away in a year or so once they hit their expiration dates. Shouldn’t they just burn the money instead of oil?
Chaos, It’s you. You really must jump on the bandwagon. Go to Lola’s Diner to read her post about the stand, http://lolasdiner.blogspot.com/2009/04/its-stand.html and then go to twitter to follow either Randall Flagg, http://twitter.com/VegasWalkinDude or Mother Abigail, http://twitter.com/motherabigail
Vettech, it would certainly make more sense to just burn the money but it would get all those environmentalists up in arms.
Lola, it is not August and this is not France….
(sorry for answering on your blog, Jen)
Seriously, the regular flu has already done more damage than this and yet it has received no coverage at all.
I think the media needs a crisis or it can’t function.
If I know how to do that strike out thing I would do that ’cause the media wouldn’t exist without a crisis…
It’s good to be a goat
Pricilla, I’m sure it is much better to be a goat than to be a pig. Count yourself lucky.
The media is thriving AND the drug companies.
Shut us all down, I say. The rest of the world could use a break from us anyway.
Whenever the zombie flu threatens to eat my brain, I remember the section in Slaughterhouse Five where the hobo on the train to Auschwitz keeps saying: “You think this is bad? This ain’t so bad.”
I see the CDC has decided to stop calling it swine flu and start calling it prison-industrial complex flu.
Pass it on. Everyone else will. 🙂
I’m not leaving my house until July.
Hey Jen…I’m impressed!! I just might have to stalk you… 😉
PHFL, I could use a vacation, just not with my kids.
Doc, I have passed it on.
DOM, do you have A/C?
Winky, I’m already stalking you so feel free to stalk away.
What I love is that, as usual, people don’t even know what they should be afraid of. Apparently pork sales have plummeted. People think you get this stuff by eating bacon. Christ.
Fantastic post!
Never thought about it before, but the pandemic IS the perfect forum for Biden – never thought I’d say those words!
Finally, there is hope for other alcohol and pharmaceutical junkies….
Shawn, I have stopped being surprised by people and their stupidity a long time ago. Don’t they understand how cooking works?
Mr. Free Traffic, I was happily surprised by Joe speaking his mind this morning. I don’t travel much so I don’t really care but if I did I would certainly reconsider and I wouldn’t go to Mexico but for all the other reasons we aren’t going there right now.
I was wondering what to do today since it’s a holiday. Well, maybe I’ll just stay home on my computer…
This is a good post and the comments are great too!
Regularly there’s a pandemic. It’s unfortunate but there’s not much we can do about it. Since we’re not scientists, all we can do is believe the governments and the doctors. But are they really telling us every thing? They must say the truth but not create a panic, a strike or a revolution! So what would you do in their seats?
Well said!!
I mean really what are they thinking closing the doors of the schools???
The swine!
This outbreak is very scary.
Putting the port industry out of business?
On the contrary…
I think it proves that we’re not eating them fast enough.
Soon it will be like Ionesco’s Rhinocéros, and all of our neighbors will start turning into pigs.
The cynical side of my brain is saying that Roche (maker of Tamilflu) must have been owed some paybacks from the new administration.
Nothing like whipping the masses up into a frenzy to distract them from all the government over-reaching going on.