Saturday my daughter and I picked out the paint colors for her room. She chose purple and pink. I went to the hardware store and purchase the paint and also picked up the double ended dildo for the grill. The first guy who tried to help me didn’t seem to know what I was talking about. No, I did not ask for a “double ended dildo”. He just couldn’t seem to wrap his brain around what I was trying to do. He smelled like he hadn’t bathed or used deodorant…ever so maybe I was too distracted to articulate my needs properly. He passed me off to another helpful hardware guy who eventually found the piece I was looking for. Hardware stores are obviously a guy creation. There are a bazillion little things that do only one job.

I don’t understand why there are nuts and bolts that are millimeters difference in size. Why make so many different sizes of things? We have standardized English, Europe has standardized their money, Mac software works on Windows pcs…. Why do we need so many flippin’ sizes of doo dads? I think the answer is that this way guys can go to the hardware store and literally spend all day looking for one part. It gets them out of the garage so they can socialize and grunt with the other guys.

If women hadn’t been so busy taking care of the kids, managing the cave and feeding the guys, they could have come up with a much more efficients hardware store. It would have only one tool: The butter knife. There isn’t a job that can’t be performed without a butter knife (too many negatives in that last sentance and I haven’t had enough coffee yet, brain hurts).

So the paint was mixed and I had my dildo, I loaded everything into the car and went to Super Target for a few necessities that I didn’t really need. When I got home and unloaded the car I noticed there was purple paint in the trunk. Somehow the can of paint had been crushed and started leaking. I had not noticed this in the hardware store so I can only guess that as I loaded my groceries I must have thrown a brick at the paint can. I tried to clean up the mess in the car but only succeeded in smearing it all over the floor of the trunk and on me. However because the paint was leaking I was now committed to painting right away.