I have some of my best ideas before I wake up. At least they seem that way for a couple of hours after waking.
This morning was no different. I woke up with an idea for a great little shop. I live close to Grand Ave. On the avenue are tons of little boutiques and shoppes that cater to people who have gobs of money and don’t have a clue how to spend it. Case in point is the Wedding Shoppe. The Wedding Shoppe is conveniently located across the street from my buddy the balloon guy’s shop. I worked for him years/decades ago when balloons were cool. They aren’t so much now and I spend a lot of time talking to the balloon guy about his poor career choice. He often stares out his window and tries to calculate how much business the Wedding Shoppe does based on the cars parked on the street and the parking lot that he no longer has access to. They have been trying to buy his property for years.
Anyway, my idea for a great store, located conveniently on his property is a store called the Marriage Shoppe. In this store one might find practical gifts for married couples to give one another. There might be a section for newlyweds, couples married five years, ten years and longer, though those sections would be much smaller.
In the section for newlyweds would be gifts like diamond necklaces, lingerie, scrap books of the wedding, shit that only twenty something females would like. There would be no need for power tools or porn until you got into the 5 and 10 year anniversary sections. Beyond that would be mortgage payments, vacations (separate vacations) and college tuition.
There could be a section for clueless guys with signs of what is not acceptable to ever buy for a wife: irons and license plate tabs with the universal red circle with a slash running through it. There could be dictionaries for men just on the words “fine” and “go ahead”. They would be rather large volumes.
It seemed like such a great idea for at least an hour this morning, until I remembered that even though I have been married for six years it was three years per husband and I don’t really have a clue how to have a successful marriage. I know what not to do but I don’t really know what to do. Finding the right guy would probably help a lot in going the distance of at least the decade mark.
And then I thought I could have a store called the Divorce Shoppe. I know all about divorce. There could be sections on lawyers. The pit bull kind that will take all your money and your soon to be former spouses money, the bend over backwards lawyers who don’t cost as much but then you feel like you just took it up the ass for the rest of your life.
There could be sections on mediation, visitation and restraining orders.
There would be a section for celebrating the divorce. Party supplies in black that at least acknowledge the end of the union. The divorced or soon to be divorced person could invite all their friends who will soon no longer associate with them for one last long goodbye. Liquor stores could sponsor a room or theme and kill two birds with one stone.
After thinking about this idea for a while it occurred to me that I haven’t even done divorce all that well. I’m not all that bitter, I get along with both exes, I don’t care about the friends that I no longer see and basically I have become a hermit. Of course if there was a store called the Divorce Shoppe I probably wouldn’t bother to go there since after being divorced so long I forget that I was married let alone divorced. And the last thing I want to do is meet other people in the middle of a divorce.
I wonder if there is a store called the Lonely and Pathetic Shoppe.