The great William Shakespeare said those very words a long time ago and today they ring oh so true.
It all started out well enough. Last December, I don’t remember where, I mentioned that I really wanted a Chia Pet. I had never had one and while they are easy enough to get they seemed rather extravagant and silly for me to buy for myself. Chia Pets are gifts, they are not an item you purchase for yourself. I apparently lamented the fact that I don’t have any friends who are the right kind of friends because in my then 44 years no one had ever given me the coveted Chia Pet I so badly wanted.
It was a brief exchange I had somewhere, maybe in my post about the worst Christmas gift ever, and after it was stated I forgot all about it. I do this because I know, after 44 years, that I will not get the things I most wish for. I have been conditioned to believe that no one really truly knows me and therefore I am saddled with practical gifts.
And then in February, the 10th to be exact, I received an unexpected package from Cardiogirl in the mail. Okay, it wasn’t that unexpected because I had talked to Cardiogirl the day before it arrived and she asked me if I had gotten any unexpected gifts in the mail recently. Kelly is awesome, Kelly is the Captain to my Tennille, the Diet to my Coke, the ketchup to my Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (haters don’t hate until you’ve tried it), The Charlie to my Sheen (Thanks Mike!) Kelly is a lot of gnarly things but she is not one who can keep a surprise a secret. She asked me if I wanted to know what she had sent, since she already blew the surprise and of course I would need to know right then and there so I knew what it was before it landed on my doorstep.
Which did not in any way reduce the awesomeness of the Chia Pet.
Spongebob Chia Pet! The only way this could have been more awesomer would have been if she had sent me an Obama Chia Pet and those are pretty hard to come by because they have been labeled racist. Which is not to say that that Kelly, or myself, is a racist, it would just be kinda cool to have a planter of a President who grows sprouts out of the top of his head.
I eagerly unwrapped my Ch Ch Ch Chia Spongebob and tossed the directions in the trash. How hard can it be to spread some seeds onto a planter?
After digging the directions out of the trash I noticed I had to soak the planter in water for at least an hour and I had to soak the seeds in a very specific amount of water for 15 minutes. Already I am having anxiety about this pet because I can’t time a meal to come out right. Without fail my mashed potatoes are cold and the chicken is falling off the bone because I can’t be bothered with timers or thermometers. I don’t have any idea how I am going to get the hour long soak and the 15 minute soak timed just right.
And, I have a child who thinks because the gift arrived closer to her birthday than it did mine that it therefore must be her gift no matter what the card says.
Child starts smearing half soaked seeds all over the planter including his face because she wants Spongebob to have eyebrows and a beard.
The seeds don’t really stick to anything because they didn’t soak long enough and create a kind of gel so they would stick. Also, they aren’t really supposed to be smeared on the sides. Gravity is a powerful force.
After the smearing my daughter loses interest and I am left with where to put Spongebob. I don’t have much counter space and I don’t have any place near a sunny window to put it so the cat doesn’t knock it over. I opt to leave it in the kitchen but know there isn’t great sunlight in there.
On the second day I notice that the seeds have all dried out forming a cement on the top of Spongebob’s head, eyebrows and beard. I do what anyone with a Chia Pet has surely done before, though it wasn’t in the directions, and pull out the turkey baster and commence basting Spongebob. I do this several times a day. I find myself basting Spongebob obsessively.
And then I start to get a little irritated. I didn’t sign up for the care and feeding of Spongebob. Sure I wanted a Chia Pet but I had no idea how much work it was going to be. The Chia Pet was almost as nerve wracking as the bunny but since it was a gift from someone who so clearly and completely gets me I knew I could not abandon my responsibilities no matter how much I was getting pissed off.
After two weeks of obsessively basting the Chia Pet the sprouts started appearing.
As you can see, my Spongebob Chia doesn’t look like the one on the box. Sadly, gravity took it’s toll and Spongebob is left with only one eyebrow (the other one fell off and is on the left side of the water tray by his feet) and his beard slid down and turned into a rather sparse and oddly trimmed bush.