Dear God,

Please help me get through this holiday season without losing it. And by ‘losing it’ I mean abandoning my vehicle on I-94 in the middle of rush hour traffic and yelling at anyone who will listen as I scream “the holidays suck”.

I’m trying to be positive about the holiday season but they started earlier this year and already I am wiped out from pretending that I wish it would all just go away.

Please help me to not smack the next happy couple I see shopping at the mall. You know the ones, they are young, have no children with them and are holding hands. I suspect they have just met. They also tend to stop in the middle of the mall, disrupting traffic, and either take a picture or kiss. These people are morons, they are way too happy and please don’t let them procreate. Wait, strike that, let them have kids and then they can join the rest of us in hell.

I want to thank you for teaching me humility, I think I got it now. I’ve been trying to dig out of the financial disaster that was my first marriage for 18 years now and every time I get close to crawling out of the hole you knock me back down. Thank you, I would hate to think what I would be like if I actually had some success that lasted more than a week. Having the underwire on my last comfortable bra break was a nice touch.

Please make sure there is enough chocolate. I’m having a hard time emotionally since I quit the Zoloft (thanks for those extra 20lbs-more humility!) and so far there is no law that says I can’t drive and eat chocolate at the same time.

Thank you for wine. Thank you even more for 3 Buck Chuck. Once you get used to it it’s not so bad.

I know that it’s not about wanting more but about wanting what I have. I get that. I just really never thought that keeping my phone on and paying for the internet fell under ‘wanting more’. I don’t want for much but I would really love to have 48 hours of feeling good. Not great, but good. I’d love to have 48 hours where I didn’t feel like shit because I can’t take my kid to see the new Muppet movie and get popcorn, where I could go to sleep and not worry about if I will have enough to buy the needed groceries for the week. I’d like to have two days where I felt safe and secure. That feeling I had once or twice when I was married. You know, that feeling you get when someone puts their arms around you and tells you everything will be okay? That feeling you automatically get when someone has your back, when you know you aren’t alone. I’d like to feel that again for a little while, I remember it was pretty awesome.

Please help me from telling the bill collectors to go fuck themselves. I know it isn’t their fault, it’s mine that they are calling, and they are just doing their job. I appreciate that and do apologize after my outbursts. Let them know that I tell them to fuck off because it is the only way I can stop myself from crying while on the phone with them and I am too polite to hang up on them. I don’t mean to be mean but having them threaten me and say I am a bad person isn’t going to make me shit money out of my ass. If I had it I would pay it. You could get the word out there about my business. Sending me more clients would really help.

Please help me control myself when I see those Christmas commercials for jewelry stores. I’m waiting for the lawsuit that claims the defendant robbed the bank, torched the store or did some other horrible act because she had seen these stupid commercials one too many times. Talk about false advertising, there are no men like the ones in the jewelry commercial, at least not any that are interested in women.

Same goes for the car commercials. Before I die I want to meet someone who gave a car to someone else as a gift. Any car, even a Yugo. It doesn’t happen!

Help me from ruining this holiday season for my daughter. She knows I don’t like the holidays and has been asking why. I’m having a hard time coming up with an answer that doesn’t ruin the holiday for her. She doesn’t need to know that I have sold my jewelry for her brother’s and her gift this year. She doesn’t have to know that because her dad didn’t pay support again I got slammed with overdrafts and other fees which will take presents out from under the tree as well as food off the table. She doesn’t have to know that I don’t trust people anymore and have become so cynical it even scares me. She shouldn’t have to worry about getting the Hello Kitty doll she wants. She isn’t asking for much, I should be able to handle that. At the very least please have her stop asking me why Christmas makes me sad.

I know you can’t show me the true meaning of Christmas, I know there isn’t going to be any “It’s a Wonderful Life” dream sequences and there won’t be any ghosts walking around rattling chains. It isn’t that my heart is too small it’s that my bank account is. Tell me what I need to do and I will do it. I don’t think I can work much longer or harder than I already am but I can certainly work smarter and would be happy to listen to any guidance you have.

Thanks for listening,



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