Last Thursday was Earth Day. I know this because everyone was talking about offsetting their carbon footprint. I learned that my blog gives off 8lbs of CO2 each year and that my hair dryer emits 57 lbs of the stuff.  I won’t ruin your day by telling you what your car, air conditioner, lawn mower or dishwasher puts out.

I don’t worry about offsetting my carbon footprint and I certainly am not going to buy carbon offsets, though I wish I had come up with a scam like that. Selling carbon offsets is much like the church’s practice of selling indulgences for sins. At least when you buy a carbon offset, a tree gets planted.  I am in complete agreement with George Carlin regarding saving the earth. I am not going to stop driving my truck, using my hair dryer (no one wants that) or writing my blog.

Luckily for me they were giving away carbon offsets at my daughter’s school last week. She came home with three saplings in a, get this, plastic bag!

Daughter came home with three saplings. Two evergreens and an oak tree. Stapled on the bag were directions for planting the trees. Basically dig a hole big enough so the roots aren’t all balled together, cover with dirt, water and wait for 20 years or so to have a little shade.

What it doesn’t say on the bag is that in order to plant the oak tree I need to call my utility company to find out where my gas and water lines are so I don’t hit one of their rusty pipes and break it, causing a problem. The directions also don’t say anything about where to plant the trees. I know how big an oak tree can get if I don’t run over it with the lawn mower but I don’t know how fast the evergreen trees are going to grow or how much space they might need. I don’t know what kind of damage the acidic needles are going to do to my grass or other plants that were there first. I don’t feel like doing a whole lot of research for these things either.

My front yard is the size of a postage stamp and I already have a maple tree in it. I also have two lindens on the boulevard in front of my house. One of them might be falling sometime soon but that still leaves very little room for a big ass oak tree. My back yard is only slightly larger than my front yard and I already have a maple tree there that creates more raking than I would like. I have lilacs and peonies and other shrubbery. The only place to put a big ass oak tree is right in the middle of the yard, at the bottom of the slide. I just don’t think it will work.

I could probably bring them up to the lake where we have more room for these carbon offsets. The problem is I have to keep them alive until I go up to the lake, I have to remember to bring them to the lake, and then I have to actually plant them.

None of these things were part of my plan for spring.

Now I have all kinds of anxiety about keeping these damn trees alive. I’ve kept them moist since Thursday by placing a wet paper towel (I know, I should have used cloth) in the bag. I think they are alive but I really can’t be sure. These trees are just like the stupid hermit crabs. I can’t tell if they are alive either and I keep forgetting to water them.

How long can they stay alive in their plastic bag? They aren’t getting much sun in their plastic bag, that can’t be good for them. I don’t know when I am going to the cabin next, it could be this week or it could be the next week. Do I have to make a special trip just so I can plant these damn trees?

I considered putting them in the compost container but that just didn’t seem right. I’m not a hater of trees, I like trees. Trees are fun to climb, they provide shade, they provide homes for all kinds of animals that I am trying to kill with my slingshot, and in about 100 years the oak tree will provide someone with some great firewood. I’m all for trees.

Yay, trees!

But I didn’t ask for these trees. I have enough people, animals, plants and crustaceans to be responsible for, I don’t need more. I don’t need anymore guilt, I have a mother who makes sure I am getting my daily requirement, the trees are just overkill.

Why didn’t they just give her a puppy?

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