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I was just thinking to myself yesterday that wow, we’re half way through December and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m not sad, not angry, not scared to death to face the end of one more year of my life even though all the changes I promised myself I would make last year haven’t happened. I was on top of things. In fact my shopping is almost complete, thanks to the school board (or whoever makes these decisions) closing down school due to snow for two days I was able to make shitloads of cookies and thankfully I bought the tree a couple of weeks ago I am all set. Hell, I even have the roast. Okay, there are no lights on the house this year but that’s because there is too much snow and I’m not crazy.
That was yesterday.
I don’t know what happened overnight but suddenly I am not so happy about the impending holidays. I suspect it is because I will be spending the holidays alone. Not completely alone, my kids will be here for part of the time, but I don’t have a significant other to share the day with.
When I was a kid my parents, as fucked up as their marriage was, made the day joyous. Yes, they were half in the bag at 9am but that was only because it was a holiday and there was eggnog to be had. My mom sat on the couch and my dad…made the drinks, while my brother and I opened our presents. It was magical and wonderful.
I drink, and because I am the only one in my house who is old enough to drink, I drink alone. But I am not ready to start my day, Christmas or otherwise, shitfaced. If I had a significant other it wouldn’t be getting shitfaced it would be celebrating. And there just isn’t much celebrating to be had when you have to get everything finished, santa wise, by 11am.
Last month I was thinking ahead and joined an online dating site. I knew this moment would arrive, when I was feeling lonely around the holidays, and wanted to nip it in the bud. Of course even as I was signing up I knew I wasn’t going to go out and actually meet any of these people. The holidays are far too busy to squeeze in starting a lifetime commitment. I don’t have time to go through the profiles and determine who is broke, who is jobless, who is really married and who is ten years older than they say are. I don’t even bother looking at their pictures anymore because I know they don’t really look like that, so why get all excited.
When I was a kid, about 9 or 10 (certainly after I got my Barbie Townhouse) I realized that the anticipation of Christmas was far better than the actual day. Christmas Eve has always been a wonderful night for me even though we don’t go to church or celebrate with extended family anymore. It’s peaceful and quiet and filled with anticipation from the kids. Even I have been known to fall for the magic of Christmas on the eve. Something magical could happen. It hasn’t yet, but it could.
What about visiting friends? No single friends to hang with? Or have some people over. Sorry you’ve got the Christmas blues. It’s that whole expectation thing left over from childhood. I’ve invited a friend to come visit for a few days and we’re just going to hang, see movies, eat and drink. Reach out. I’ll bet there are lots of people you know who’d like to have eggnog with you. I would! 🙂
I’m still in that funny stage of life where the kids are still home and family sticks together. All my real life friends are married so I’d hate to be that third wheel and they all go to their extended families gathering and have that to complain about. I’m really fine, it was just a momentary lapse. And besides I have next month to look forward to when I turn 45.
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I have to agree with you, it isn’t incomprehensive but it is incomprehensive if you think people are going to actually click on your link if you can’t even be bothered to read the fucking post.
Oh I love it!
I’ve always wanted to do that! Feel free to throw in your two cents too.
Girl, you gotta remove the links they’re leaving. You can edit them out in the dashboard, right?
I, too, love the excitement leading up to Christmas, but the aftermath can be a let down if I let it. My son and I spend the morning and early afternoon together, opening presents. Then we usually go to some friends’ house later Christmas Day. I’ve actually enjoyed Christmas much more since I’ve been divorced. One trick I do, though, is to get myself a couple of presents (like books) that I can enjoy when my son goes off to visit his dad. I pamper myself so I don’t have to worry about not having someone else to pamper me.
I’m liking that idea about buying myself some presents. Why didn’t I think of that? Truth be told if I was to spend the day with friends I’m not sure I would want to. I enjoy my alone time and don’t really want to go anywhere. I want to spend the day in my pj’s listening to Christmas music while I drink holiday drinks. I’d just like to do it with someone. And I can’t complain because it’s not like I’ve actually gone out and looked for anyone. Ambivalence sucks sometimes.
I know all about ambivalence, Jen! That’s why I’m still single. Sure would be nice to have somebody around though to share the holiday cheer with. (Like you, I also like my alone time, so I enjoy that to its fullest once Vlad takes off for his dads.)
I have a pull out couch.
Let me know when you’re coming.
I’ll bring beer.
Hi,
You make the rules. This life of yours , it is not the life of any one and one you are living right now is for you.
If that is really true then why the fuck are you mucking up my website with your spam? I don’t come to your house and leave shit all over the place. Especially shit that doesn’t make any fucking sense. Do you even speak English?
ENGLISH muthafuc— DO. YOU. SPEAK. IT?
Christmas is like planning for a wedding — there’s so much preparation for just a few hours of celebration. And if things work out just right you get lucky later. But probably not since you’ll be too tired after the party.
That is exactly how my first wedding went. Of course when the bride goes down to the pool house to hang out with the wait staff that says a lot about the marriage and its chance for survival.
I’m facing Christmas with the in-laws oh crap!! I wish I was on my own for these holidays.
There is that. My ex inlaws are crazy, not that my side of the family is any picnic.
I’m so sorry that you are feeling down about Christmas, but I know exactly what you mean about the childhood memories. They are never matched once you become an adult. It does help if you have a partner, though even that can bring it’s own problems eh? Better no partner than the wrong partner. I’m trying to make you feel better, but probably failing miserably!
No you aren’t. And really I don’t feel that bad, my comments to the spammers notwithstanding. I miss the family activities and if truth be told I think I really just miss my father. I loved cooking with him during the holidays.
Mo said you can come here for Christmas 🙂 I think it’s our parents we miss the most at Christmas. I know I do.
I do too!
Parents make Christmas special for the children (us). Now we have to do it for ourselves. Nothing ever matches our childhood excitement, and I agree with Babs, I miss my parents, too.
I hope when Christmas Eve comes around we both have found our magic.
While my son tallies down the seconds until Xmas with delight and temporary sugarplum sweetness, my husband and I dread the impending new family war that will most assuredly begin once all in-laws are in the same room together. Oh it will be warm and fuzzy…for about 17 minutes and then my ears will ring until 2012 with whatever slight or implied slight someone placed upon someone while the “how dare he this’s” and “can you believe she said that’s” fly like nose-so-bright whoring reindeer …
…Oh my.
I don’t know what the hell made me say that.
Did it help?
How queer we women are. We are fine and dandy single for the whole year, and then comes Christmas. Ugh! My mother used to “do” Christmas at her house and every year, she told me “Feel free to bring someone.” Uh who, Mom? If I was dating someone sure, but a lot of times at Christmas I was not, or if I was, he was still going to his own family’s for Christmas. It made me feel like such a loser if I didn’t have a boyfriend at Christmas. But I still had kids, and that was pretty good until they left for their dad’s on Christmas Day. I got in the habit of having an “open house” on Christmas day for all my single friends. We would drink bloody mary’s and listen to music and eat whatever pastries were put out. It was fun. But still, I have to say putting up with a turkey all year long is not worth having one carved once a year.
Linda, you’re on a roll with the good lines.
Aww, don’t be sad – the anticipation is 99.999% of the joy of Christmas and when it is over you wonder what the hell you were doing putting so much thought into what you wanted it to be.
And here we are doing the same thing to our kids – making Christmas magical so when they grow up they can be depressed about how unmagical it is.
I always get double depressed because my b-day is on Christmas Eve and my parents always went out of their way to make sure it was special and not crammed in with Christmas. My husband, doesn’t do holidays well – I think he was born without the holiday gene.
Sometimes having extended family and a partner triples the stress of the holidays. You have to worry about not being able to afford what you imagine Christmas should be.
The best thing about getting together with my family at Christmas is that my brother and sister are winemakers and they bring all the new wines they make so each meal turns into a wine-tasting. Makes for a REALLY happy family.
That’s really sad 🙁 I can totally relate. I’ll drink with you!!!!! We go to 5:00 Mass Xmas Eve.. then we secretly sneak things on our neighbor’s doorsteps in black clothes (ha ha! we call it “stealth mode” and it is HYSTERICAL) and then we chill. I finally get the kids to bed and Mom and I drink champagne and put on the Pope serving Mass at St. Peter’s after midnight. Santa comes and then we crash.. 🙂 I DO like that part… but the build up… sigh… it is all about commercialism now. I DO remember Christmas being AMAZING… and you are right, the anticipation of xmas eve.. WOW! Oh but get this, when I was younger we would see what Santa brought and then have to get dressed for church, not able to open gifts until after. Boy was THAT tough!
I love that you play secret Santa. If nothing else that gives me hope that there is hope for all of us. You Rock!
I know exactly what you mean. The anticipation of Christmas is always better for me than the actual day. This year my parents are in the US with my sister so there will immediately be less dysfunction but my other sister is still here and she is the Drama Queen to end all Drama Queens. It is always worrying thinking about what she is going to carry on about.
I hope your Christmas Day is better than you expect and that you have a really good time. When I was around 9 or 10 I got the Barbie Campervan. I remember feeling some kind of ecstasy when I opened the box. It was everything I had ever wanted. Those were the days…
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Back then there was nothing that a good Barbie toy couldn’t fix. Now it’s shoes but since I never wear them they don’t really fix anything. Sorry you have to spend the day with your sister and I hope there isn’t as much drama as you think there will be and if there is then at least you can write about it.
I remember that feeling of ectasy that Selma’s talking about. Now there’s nothing that gives me that feeling.
Oh, except ectasy, aka “E”, “X”, “Thizz” and “XTC.” But I think it might be bad for you. Can I borrow a glass of water? A pitcher, actually?
Jen, I’ll have a blue Christmas without you.
I love these lines, even though they’re sad:
“I don’t have time to go through the profiles and determine who is broke, who is jobless, who is really married and who is ten years older than they say are. I don’t even bother looking at their pictures anymore because I know they don’t really look like that, so why get all excited.”
I really wish we all lived closer to one another or at least all had some
money so we could spend the holidays together.
I’d soooooo much rather do that than hang with most of my extended family. They don’t understand me like you guys, which is sad reflection on you, but it makes me feel good.
I can soo relate to feeling depressed about being single at Xmas.
There’s just something couple-y about christmas, exchange of gifts and sharing xmas food.
But I have learnt to appreciate my family and friends who are always there for me. With them, most blues can certainly be conquered or forgotten even if its just for the season. Merry Merry Xmas!
Jennifer, I can toad-ily relate to this. Because even though I will be around my family during Christmas Eve Day, that evening? Everyone else goes home with their significant other, my son leaves to go to his fathers, and I am left ALONE, on Christmas day, and quite lonely. And usually painfully shitfaced.