I was just thinking to myself yesterday that wow, we’re half way through December and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m not sad, not angry, not scared to death to face the end of one more year of my life even though all the changes I promised myself I would make last year haven’t happened. I was on top of things. In fact my shopping is almost complete, thanks to the school board (or whoever makes these decisions) closing down school due to snow for two days I was able to make shitloads of cookies and thankfully I bought the tree a couple of weeks ago I am all set. Hell, I even have the roast. Okay, there are no lights on the house this year but that’s because there is too much snow and I’m not crazy.
That was yesterday.
I don’t know what happened overnight but suddenly I am not so happy about the impending holidays. I suspect it is because I will be spending the holidays alone. Not completely alone, my kids will be here for part of the time, but I don’t have a significant other to share the day with.
When I was a kid my parents, as fucked up as their marriage was, made the day joyous. Yes, they were half in the bag at 9am but that was only because it was a holiday and there was eggnog to be had. My mom sat on the couch and my dad…made the drinks, while my brother and I opened our presents. It was magical and wonderful.
I drink, and because I am the only one in my house who is old enough to drink, I drink alone. But I am not ready to start my day, Christmas or otherwise, shitfaced. If I had a significant other it wouldn’t be getting shitfaced it would be celebrating. And there just isn’t much celebrating to be had when you have to get everything finished, santa wise, by 11am.
Last month I was thinking ahead and joined an online dating site. I knew this moment would arrive, when I was feeling lonely around the holidays, and wanted to nip it in the bud. Of course even as I was signing up I knew I wasn’t going to go out and actually meet any of these people. The holidays are far too busy to squeeze in starting a lifetime commitment. I don’t have time to go through the profiles and determine who is broke, who is jobless, who is really married and who is ten years older than they say are. I don’t even bother looking at their pictures anymore because I know they don’t really look like that, so why get all excited.
When I was a kid, about 9 or 10 (certainly after I got my Barbie Townhouse) I realized that the anticipation of Christmas was far better than the actual day. Christmas Eve has always been a wonderful night for me even though we don’t go to church or celebrate with extended family anymore. It’s peaceful and quiet and filled with anticipation from the kids. Even I have been known to fall for the magic of Christmas on the eve. Something magical could happen. It hasn’t yet, but it could.