I’m talking to you Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie so listen up.

Stop making motherhood look so damn easy. Stop running around in your Uggs and your perfectly couiffed hair-dos because that is not what mothers look like.

Real mothers have not showered in days, real mothers pick dried cereal off their sweat pants and think they can get another day or two worth of wear out them.

Stop having babies and then showing up on the red carpet three days later looking like you never once ate Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch with mashed potatoes for three months straight.

Real mothers can’t afford to go to the gym, hire a personal trainer or eat a healthy meal because they are so busy picking up socks, changing diapers, wiping runny noses, creating a to scale model of the Mayan ruins to even think about their appearance. Most moms don’t manage to lose that baby weight until the baby is in his third year of medical school, and even then they don’t always lose it.

Stop writing blogs and newsletters about parenting. We don’t need your advice, we can’t relate to your lifestyle and we are not about to breast feed for the next ten years. If it works for you, great, more power to you, but don’t think your ideals are something we want to achieve.

Isn’t it enough that you already have the perfect husband/boyfriend, the perfect child (even if you gave him the most ridiculous name possible), the perfect body and the most money? Seriously, most of you are liberals and believe in spreading the wealth, spread some over here and I will be happy to subscribe to your kind of parenting, even if it is silly and impractical. Leave the blogging to those of us who need a cheap outlet to bitch about our lot in life. The kind of lot with all those socks, dirty diapers and bills that don’t go away no matter how much you ignore them.

I bet none of you ever had to tell your daughter that she could not keep her beloved bunny because it pooed too much, it chewed all the cords in the house and basically even though it was really cute you couldn’t afford to pay to fix everything it broke, fix it so it didn’t have more cute bunnies that chewed and pooped, and couldn’t afford to take three hours out of your day each day to clean the cage three times a day. You have a nanny for those things and you probably don’t worry about the cost of anything. You didn’t have to break your daughter’s heart and you never will so shut up about being a mother because until you rip out your child’s heart you have no idea what this all about.

Warmest Regards,



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