Here’s a hypothetical question for you all. I’d really like to hear from the guys on this one because I am perplexed.
There’s this ex husband #2 (ok, so it isn’t really hypothetical) he was laid off a couple of weeks ago and the prospects in this area are not very good. He has been given an opportunity through his union to go to Vegas to work possibly until January.
I have no problem with him going, I think he should go where the jobs are.
I do have a problem with him just dumping everything in my lap. Specifically what he intends to do about the time he is supposed to be with his child, the daughter.
This is not the first time he has left the state to work, during our two year long divorce he left the state for at least a year to work. The daughter was much younger then, obviously.
I asked ex #2 to fix my broken water pipe last week. My brother had already said he would do it but he never does those kinds of things for me so I wanted to cover all bases. Ex#2 also owes a boatload in back child support since he didn’t bother to pay it for the first two years we were separated and divorced. Just for the record I was a stay at home mom when he walked out. He did not want the daughter in daycare and did not want me to work. Crazy since he wasn’t all into paying child support and it is hardly enough to live on anyway. I don’t know what he was thinking and I still don’t get it but it is water under the bridge now except for the arrears.
Back to the pipe. He said he would fix the pipe if I paid him or I gave him a boat motor that is at the cabin. Apparently he has a boat and needs a motor. The motor at the lake hasn’t been used in a while which is why he asked for it. I have no idea what the motor is worth but he figured $400.00. I told him no thanks. Maybe not in those words but close. When he borrowed my truck last year he got a parking ticket which he never paid, by the time I found out about it it was $75.00. He refused to pay it. I won’t even bother going into the why because it didn’t make sense to me that he could actually justify not paying it.
He called me at work to tell me about the Vegas thing. Later in the day he stopped by the house to drop off the girl’s backpack. He could have just left it on the porch but he waited for me to get home. He said he was planning on going and would be leaving in two weeks. I casually asked him what he planned to do about his weekends and midweek visits.
“Nothing” he answered.
I expected that answer but pressed on.
“What can I do?” he explained.
I tried to explain to him that while I understood he needed to go where the work was it would be nice if he at least humored me by saying something like “hey, I realize that this will be a challenge for you and that you will have to rework your schedule, and I really appreciate it“.
He just looked at me like I had suddenly sprouted a third eye.
January! No more weekends until January. He doesn’t get it. I know it sounds pissy and like I don’t want to spend time with my kid, but sometimes I like when they are gone. I can actually do Jen things. I also work on the weekends that he is with her so I asked how I was supposed to deal with that? He said he didn’t have an answer.
“So, I’m supposed to deal with it?” I asked.
I got that third eye look again.
He doesn’t understand what he is asking me to do. I don’t even know how to explain it to him. He went on and on about how his time was worth something and if he stayed here he’d go broke. I get that. I really do. But isn’t my time worth something?
He didn’t say no but he didn’t say it was either. I’m the mom and it’s my job to take care of the kids. I asked him what he thought my time was worth and he couldn’t come up with an answer. then asked if it was worth a broken pipe. And he said this:
“I’m happy to fix your stuff but I don’t get paid anything” (remember he owes me $12K) “If I fix your pipe I have to drag out my tools and bring them over here and then fix it and then put the tools back, it’s a pain in the ass” ( I just put my head in my hands at this point).
I’m not his wife anymore. I’m not getting sex, I’m not getting extra child support, I’m hardly getting what I’m supposed to get. Why is this my problem? I know it’s my daughter and I will handle it but is it so hard to even be a little appreciative and to at least fix things when they break?
Can one of you guys explain to me what is going in his head? If I am just being difficult I’d like to know. I really want to understand how he thinks. And yes he is one of those guys who thinks that the child support he does pay really just pays for my shoe habit or manicures. He has no idea what it costs to clothe, feed, pay for all the school activities, etc… I don’t want anything from him except an acknowledgment that what I am doing has some value, that while he is gone I am losing a very precious thing to me, time and maybe the comfort of knowing that when something breaks he will fix it without gouging me.