The great William Shakespeare said those very words a long time ago and today they ring oh so true.
It all started out well enough. Last December, I don’t remember where, I mentioned that I really wanted a Chia Pet. I had never had one and while they are easy enough to get they seemed rather extravagant and silly for me to buy for myself. Chia Pets are gifts, they are not an item you purchase for yourself. I apparently lamented the fact that I don’t have any friends who are the right kind of friends because in my then 44 years no one had ever given me the coveted Chia Pet I so badly wanted.
It was a brief exchange I had somewhere, maybe in my post about the worst Christmas gift ever, and after it was stated I forgot all about it. I do this because I know, after 44 years, that I will not get the things I most wish for. I have been conditioned to believe that no one really truly knows me and therefore I am saddled with practical gifts.
And then in February, the 10th to be exact, I received an unexpected package from Cardiogirl in the mail. Okay, it wasn’t that unexpected because I had talked to Cardiogirl the day before it arrived and she asked me if I had gotten any unexpected gifts in the mail recently. Kelly is awesome, Kelly is the Captain to my Tennille, the Diet to my Coke, the ketchup to my Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (haters don’t hate until you’ve tried it), The Charlie to my Sheen (Thanks Mike!) Kelly is a lot of gnarly things but she is not one who can keep a surprise a secret. She asked me if I wanted to know what she had sent, since she already blew the surprise and of course I would need to know right then and there so I knew what it was before it landed on my doorstep.
Which did not in any way reduce the awesomeness of the Chia Pet.
Spongebob Chia Pet! The only way this could have been more awesomer would have been if she had sent me an Obama Chia Pet and those are pretty hard to come by because they have been labeled racist. Which is not to say that that Kelly, or myself, is a racist, it would just be kinda cool to have a planter of a President who grows sprouts out of the top of his head.
I eagerly unwrapped my Ch Ch Ch Chia Spongebob and tossed the directions in the trash. How hard can it be to spread some seeds onto a planter?
After digging the directions out of the trash I noticed I had to soak the planter in water for at least an hour and I had to soak the seeds in a very specific amount of water for 15 minutes. Already I am having anxiety about this pet because I can’t time a meal to come out right. Without fail my mashed potatoes are cold and the chicken is falling off the bone because I can’t be bothered with timers or thermometers. I don’t have any idea how I am going to get the hour long soak and the 15 minute soak timed just right.
And, I have a child who thinks because the gift arrived closer to her birthday than it did mine that it therefore must be her gift no matter what the card says.
Child starts smearing half soaked seeds all over the planter including his face because she wants Spongebob to have eyebrows and a beard.
The seeds don’t really stick to anything because they didn’t soak long enough and create a kind of gel so they would stick. Also, they aren’t really supposed to be smeared on the sides. Gravity is a powerful force.
After the smearing my daughter loses interest and I am left with where to put Spongebob. I don’t have much counter space and I don’t have any place near a sunny window to put it so the cat doesn’t knock it over. I opt to leave it in the kitchen but know there isn’t great sunlight in there.
On the second day I notice that the seeds have all dried out forming a cement on the top of Spongebob’s head, eyebrows and beard. I do what anyone with a Chia Pet has surely done before, though it wasn’t in the directions, and pull out the turkey baster and commence basting Spongebob. I do this several times a day. I find myself basting Spongebob obsessively.
And then I start to get a little irritated. I didn’t sign up for the care and feeding of Spongebob. Sure I wanted a Chia Pet but I had no idea how much work it was going to be. The Chia Pet was almost as nerve wracking as the bunny but since it was a gift from someone who so clearly and completely gets me I knew I could not abandon my responsibilities no matter how much I was getting pissed off.
After two weeks of obsessively basting the Chia Pet the sprouts started appearing.
As you can see, my Spongebob Chia doesn’t look like the one on the box. Sadly, gravity took it’s toll and Spongebob is left with only one eyebrow (the other one fell off and is on the left side of the water tray by his feet) and his beard slid down and turned into a rather sparse and oddly trimmed bush.
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LOL, poor spongebob and his oddly trimmed bush. I would think that the planter would have soaked up the water from the tray. I didn’t know that ch ch ch chia was so much work. Are those alfalpha sprouts? Can you eat his hair? Every time I eat sprouts I have to quote Pee-Wee Herman “Looks like hair…. tastes like hair….. aaaggghhhh it is hair…ahhahahahahah”
I don’t know what kind of sprouts they are but in researching this article I came across several reports that say you can indeed eat the sprouts. In fact, their is a Chia Pet Diet out there.
Aww YAY-YEAH! Check out the chia on Spongebob! I am smiling ear to ear right now and I cannot stop using exclamation points!
I have tiger blood, baby! Hoo-aahhhhh! I am on a drug and it is called Charlie Sheen! I can’t process this! AAUUUGGHH!!
You most certainly do have tiger blood and, I might add, Adonis DNA. You rock! And not the 7 gram kind of rock either, I can’t finish those.
Here’s what I like about this post besides the fact that it’s funny in a perfectly pathetic way: I like it that somebody in this Great Big World of ours noticed that you had a need and then took it upon themselves to fulfill it. No, not just somebody, but CardioGirl, God bless her thoughtful heart. It’s a small thing, but it’s small things like this that help pull us through day after day after day.
I believe a quote from Charlie Sheen might be relevant here: “Can’t is the cancer of happen.”
Or, “I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I’m extremely old-fashioned. I’m a nobleman. I’m chivalrous.”
Or, “I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That’s how I describe myself.”
Take your pick.
No matter how you go, I believe Charlie would love your crazy-ass chia pet.
It’s epic.
Your comment is as funny as Jen’s post! “Can’t is the cancer of happen.” Did he really say that? That’s actually quite profound. I love my Charlie.
And I love Cardiogirl for doing this for Jen. You’re right. It’s the little Chia things that keep us going.
You can’t go wrong with any of those quotes, I believe even the strafing before coffee would work here too in a rather zen sort of way.
Cardiogirl is awesome, and getting the Chia made me shed a little tear because she is so awesome to think of me and it really is the little things in life that make this ride so much better and really not just strafing before my coffee.
Okay, I may be a technotard, but you fucked up a chia pet. Seriously? BAHAHAHA!
Why do I get the feeling this will be my claim to fame? Yes, I fucked up a Chia Pet, we can’t be awesome at everything. Only people who are Winning! all the time can be perfect and clearly my fucked up Chia proves that I am not yet on the same plane as Mr Sheen.
Chia Pet needs to make a Charlie Sheen one.
He looks like SpongeBob chia pet from a dystopian future where there are cracks in all SpongeBobs….
i’m not really sure what you mean but this comment made me laugh.
Jen, you have the best looking chia pet I have ever seen. It is unique! There is not another like it on the planet! Cardio Girl is the greatest chick around! But alas, I don’t want a chia pet. I want Prada pumps with gold buckles on them. I do love your chia pet though. Please take it to the conference with you. Share the guy with the people who love you.
They should make a Chia out of Prada pumps for people like you who wouldn’t normally try a Chia unless it was made out of a designer shoe. Do you have some old pumps lying around that you could smear some seeds on?
The best Chia Pet ever!!!
Now that I look at it here, with a little distance and not so much basting anymore, I have to agree, it is the best Chia Ever!
OMG Jen, this is hysterical! And “I can’t be bothered with timers or thermometers.”? That’s me too! My husband always reads recipes and instructions for cooking things, follows them to the letter. I never do that. I just use sight and taste to gauge doneness. He doesn’t understand how I function this way, but then again, now he understands why I don’t really cook much and I think deep down he’s grateful.
Also, I love that Maddie wanted to give Spongebob eyebrows and a beard. See, no one else would think of that. Your daughter has your humor and thank God for that.
I grew up in a house where recipes were suggestions and truth be told, for sissies (which is kinda funny if you think about it). My ex had this way of telling if meat was done but tapping his forearm and then the meat. I get the concept but his forearm is more firm than mine so my meat is always underdone, and probably why I don’t grill much.
Yes, she has a way with beards. I love that he is left with half a Fu Manchu.
Kathy, I can’t be bothered with long recipes either, they bore me. I can do it, I can follow them, I have done it, but I don’t like to.
Gail, on the other hand, is a careful instruction follower. Her stuff ALWAYS comes out just right. It’s a certain personality trait, isn’t it. We just ain’t got it!
We have had arguments about timing. For a simple pizza, he’ll write down the time required, watch the clock and pull it out exactly when the box says. Whereas I will “get a sense” of doneness. I mean, really. You can see when the cheese is perfect. Who needs instructions???
With great power comes great responsibility. You must nurture your chia spongebob, Jennifer. Make it thrive. You can do this. You have it in you to do this.
That is all.
Thank you Wise One, for I needed the encouragement and faith that you have thusly provided. I will wear my Spongebob Chia Pet responsibilities with pride. I know I can to do this.
Grasshopper
Haha, Spongebob needs an eyebrow wax!
The Obama pets were really labeled racist? Should of stocked up when I saw them at Rite Aid!
They should make potential Chia Pet owners aware of the responsibility required in owning one – remember a chia pet is for life, not just for christmas!! lol!
But, he is so BEAUTIFUL! So, what happens when you are tired of turkey basting him? Do you set him outside to fend for himself, or stick him in the basement and let him die?
I’ve always wanted a Chia Pet! I am fighting the urge right now to go to my local drug store and buy one.
Do it! Go get one and see if you make yours look any better. I smell a
challenge!
LOL
Actually, you’re Chia Sponge Bob looks great.
What’s the saying?… Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it!
Looks like Sponge Bob has some Chia Pubes ®
Oh YAY! Kelly is totally-super-awesome, and so is your Sponge Bob Chia Pet – even if gravity has taken it’s toll.
That is too funny. I often wondered what it would be like to own a Chia Pet. But following directions and … timing are not my strong points.
I also ruin mashed potatoes (which has a consistency similar to paper mache) and over cook or under cook rice. Can’t get the water to rice ratio right. I also murder plants. I’m probably on a Chia Pet blacklist.
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