I usually mow my lawn on the weekends because that is when my neighbors on both sides of me mow their lawns. I do this because I don’t want my lawn to look crappy when their’s looks freshly cut. There is a certain rhythm to the neighborhood, lawn mowing is one of those things that is a dance (insert Lawn Mower Dance scene from She’s Having a Baby with Kevin Bacon, which I couldn’t find). However, we’ve had a couple of new neighbors move in on the block recently and they haven’t yet learned the steps to this complicated dance.
1. Don’t mow your lawn before noon on Sunday.
Anytime after 9am is perfectly acceptable on a Saturday but before noon on a Sunday is just going to get you banned from the block party. The people on my block work hard all week long. They like to let loose a little on Saturday. This means no noise on Sunday mornings. You can mow your lawn after church, when even God doesn’t mind.
2. Weed Whacking isn’t necessary each week.
If you use your weed whacker more than twice a month you are just showing off. Whack your weeds way down to the ground so you don’t have to make that infernal noise more than necessary. Mowing the lawn once a week is a necessity, weed whacking is just annoying, do it sparingly. Just because you have a hemi in your weed whacker doesn’t mean you penis is any bigger than the rest of us.
3. It’s unfair to mow your grass on a Tuesday.
Keep with the schedule so all of our lawns look nice at the same time. When you mow on a Tuesday you are highlighting all the other lawns that haven’t been cut since Saturday and we all know you are just going to cut it again on the weekend.
4. Resodding is cheating.
Unless you are selling your house it is unlawful to resod you lawn. It’s the easy way out and not appreciated by the other neighbors who will smile and pat you on the back for taking the plunge but behind your back will make fun of you and call you lazy. If you want a perfect lawn that isn’t filled with crab grass, creeping Charlie and dandelions then get out there with a pick and start weeding like everyone else. Remember, if it’s green, it’s your lawn. If you can’t handle the weeds then move to the suburbs where they don’t grow.
5. Push mowers are for pussies.
People who are serious about their lawns fill their garage with all kinds of gas powered grooming tools. We spend the spring tuning up our machines to make sure they start on the first pull. In the fall we must choose one Sunday to start the mower and let it run until it is out of gas. We don’t care about the environment if it means our lawn suffers for it. If you have a push mower it means you probably don’t use weed killer or other environmentally toxic chemicals on your lawn and you probably let your dandelions go to seed. It’s neighbors like you that piss the rest of us off because your environmentally conscious lawn means more weeds for those of us downwind from you. We might invite you to the block party but you are going to have to bring your own beer.
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