Image by sameold2010 via Flickr
When I was a kid* I would ask my parents what they wanted for Christmas and without fail they always told me they wanted the hardest thing to get them. My father would always say “I just want you to be good” and my mother would say “anything”.
Both answers sucked.
At the time the easiest one of those gifts to give would have been to be good. I could manage to be good for one day. Truth be told I was a good girl. I kissed ass when necessary and until I hit my teens and discovered I had a different opinion than my mother on absolutely everything, I was pretty easy to get along with. While I didn’t have control over my brother, I could have done something about my reaction to his shenanigans and maybe not gone running to my parents, or calling my dad on the phone at work, every time he did something I didn’t like.
The trouble with that gift, to be good, was that I didn’t think my father really meant it. What a stupid wish, when you could ask for just about anything in the world (or at least anything that cost five dollars), it was to waste on asking someone to be a certain way.
I’m a parent now and that is all I ever ask for from my kids.
My mother’s request was met with equal disdain. Anything is a cop out. Of course what my mother meant was that anything I gave her would have been received with joy and gratitude. She was usually half in the bag on Christmas morning and she had no short term memory due to her stroke, so she couldn’t remember what I gave her anyway.
As a parent I also understand anything because when asked, and it is clear I won’t be getting to be good, anything is the next best thing.
But kids don’t understand this concept of gifts that can’t be unwrapped. They want to give something tangible. So here is my list of the top five Christmas Gifts.
Chia Pet
The poor Chia Pet lands on the worst Christmas gift list every year and I can’t understand why because I would absolutely love to get a Chia Pet for Christmas. I would never dream of spending $14.99 on one of them for myself but if someone got me the Obama Chia Pet I would be in heaven. He might not be able to grow our economy but he sure can grow Chia Hair. My kids don’t believe me when I tell them I want this, they think I am joking. I don’t know why.
iPad
If I ever got one of these bad boys I would be so happy I would cry. I would not eventually use it as a very expensive paper weight like most sales people at Best Buy will tell you it eventually gets used for. I would use it for everything but most importantly I could use it in the bathroom, the only room in the house I ever get left alone. I might actually get some work done if I had an iPad. My kids can’t afford this gift and if they could I would search their room for contraband and start charging them rent.
Kindle
Not as expensive as an iPad, and I wouldn’t have to search their room because one of my children has a job and makes enough to buy a Kindle when he isn’t buying gloves with lights on the fingers but probably not likely because if we had one of these he wouldn’t have to send me on a wild goose chase to find the book he needs three days before the paper is due, when every other parent is out searching for the same book. There isn’t any fun in that. It would also give me great satisfaction to be able to avoid both Barnes & Noble and Borders, two big box bookstores that are going broke right now. Back in the 90s these two behemoths put thousands of independent bookstores out of business, mine included. Karma’s a bitch isn’t?
Gift Cards
Since my kids can’t buy gift cards at the liquor store yet I’d settle for something from a local nail salon. A mani/pedi would be awesome. Not because I want my nails painted but because I don’t know anyone with a hot tub and putting my feet in a mini hot tub while I read a three month old copy of People sounds like heaven to me (I went to the grocery store yesterday to get some last minute things for Christmas Dinner, just a few thing, I didn’t even need a basket. I got in line behind a grandmother with a full cart who asked me if I wanted to go ahead of her. I politely declined. She understood and needlessly asked if I had kids. I take my alone time whenever I can).
Barking Collar
I know, they aren’t approved by PETA but so what, I’m a Republican. To have one day when the mailman arrives and not have the dog bark for 15 minutes would be lovely. Alternatively they can always be dialed down a bit for the 7 year old.
*I turn 45 next month, I can officially start every story with when I was a kid and no one can say a damn thing about it.
You crack me up. Seriously. And to every word here I say: Amen, sister!
You will definitely shudder every time you utter the phrase “when I was a kid”, trust me on that one…I’m a few years older than you. LoL!
I never got the “kids being good” answer, probably because my dad knew with 4 kids that was NOT happening, did get the other one though.
Ipad would be nice, am so not going to get one though.
I would love to get gift cards… preferably for Amazon :p saving up to get something.
Those collars… can I use them on a couple of my coworkers? Please?
Oh, I lean kind of to the left politically and I still think PETA is militant and scary extreme.
~Gwen
I had a chia pet once. It was rather cool. Now I fear the goats would eat it
I knew they were awesome!
I had one, too. They’re cool.
I’m at the end of my rope with shopping. Everyone who hasn’t been shopped for yet is getting a personalized hand made fetish bag this year.
I’m gonna need an explanation on that one Linda.
You shouldn’t have asked for an explanation, Jen. Now Google’s going to shut you down for publishing inappropriate material.
but I have to know!
You can Google “fetish” and “bags” but make sure there aren’t any kids or preachers in the room.
Linda makes them and they include cat teeth and hair. It’s not something you’re interested in, trust me.
A fetish bag sounds cool… I think. Put me down for one of those, too!
“…Alternatively they can always be dialed down a bit for the 7 year old.”
LMAO! That should be followed by “And dialed up for the teenager!”
Is it too late to get one of those?!
I hope not!
iPad = yes, most definitely. It is my dream, in fact, partly because I’d use it every day, and partly because my two remaining kids have gone through three or four iTouches between them while I am still using an iShuffle or somesuch. I want to be able to shove the iPad in their faces and say, “I’m cooler than you are!” Even if it isn’t true.
I love my kids, but I’m so sick of having kids.
You are so much cooler than your kids even without the iPad. Not really but it sounds good. Don’t worry Linda will send you one and all will be good. I’m not the least bit bitter.
Favorite Quote of the Day:
I love my kids, but I’m so sick of having kids.
I knew that you, and Meleah, would relate.
By the way, Meleah, Boom-Boom and I recently formed a fatal error club. You know, for people whose lives feel like a fatal error. This would include having pain-in-the-ass kids that you can’t kill because you love them and you’re afraid of what might happen to you in prison, which means you could be a member, too.
Can I join the fatal error club, too?
I want to join this club, we need t-shirts.
OMG, I can’t believe you admitted out loud about the Chia pet…I’ve ALWAYS wanted one too, but was too embarrassed to buy my own–but a gift is a whole different thing, isn’t it? for techno stuff, my smart phone and laptop are enough to worry about, thank you!
Sometimes I forget that my blog is ‘outloud’. Chia Pets are amazing and it’s too bad they get a bad rap because obviously there are a whole bunch of us who would really like one.
A most excellent list, Jen. Put me down for a Chia pet! And an iPad! And a Kindle! And Gift Cards! I don’t want to sound greedy, though, so you can pass on the Barking Collar.
I know you really want the barking collar, and who doesn’t? Chia Pets are awesome. As is that squirrel flinger.
Here I go again. What’s a Chia pet? and what’s a barking collar? I can work out what a barking collar is for but I’ve never heard of such a thing.
An iPad – Now you’re talking! If I hadn’t got my iPhone 4 for Christmas an iPad would have been my next choice.
if you click on the link you will find out what a Chia Pet is. Do you like
the new iPhone?
You got hit with a virus? And a snow storm? Man, who have you pissed off lately? All I got was this fucking cold.
Sniff, cough, sneeze…
I’m always pissing someone off, par for the fucking course. I hope you feel better soon.
You’re not a Republican because you’re not a heartless piece of shit who’d vote against DADT or health care for first responders.
May all your Christmas wishes come true, my friend.
And the bourbon balls are great!
I would never vote against either of those but I am still more conservative than I am liberal, even that isn’t true..I’m a libertarian. I’m so glad you are enjoying the Bourbon Balls, they should help that cold a little. I hope you feel better soon and I hope you are staying dry (though you might not actually be wet, my geography isn’t all that good).
It’s wet. Five days of wet so far. While you shovel snow, I shovel wet, heavy horse manure.
At least as a Liberterian I can probably agree with you on a lot of foreign policy.
OMG I don’t know a damn thing about foreign policy, please don’t ask me.
Heavy horse shit sounds horrible. Is your house going to go down a hill or
is someone’s going to slide down onto yours? I like the hills but I’m
thankful for flat land right about now.
U.S. foreign policy is not complicated, Jen. It’s a lot like shoveling heavy horse shit, except, perhaps, messier.
One time my Mommeh bought a Chia Head to bring to a white elephant gift exchange a few years ago. Unfortunately, she had to stand there while they asked for a “Price Check on the Chia Head!” She does love her Kindle though!
I’m confused, your Mommeh bought a gift for the white elephant party? Aren’t you supposed to regift the bad gifts?
Hate to tell you Amazon is no friend to independent bookstores either. I have friends who own one and were Amazon affiliates, only to be kicked to the curb. At least, with the Nook (one of which my wife and I are planning to get tomorrow), you can download Google eBooks from indie stores, with part of the proceeds actually going to the store. With Amazon, you can’t do that, because the platform they use isn’t compatible with Google eBooks.
We will have to discuss this more in depth, I didn’t know this about Amazon or Google. I guess what I was talking about was more the brick and mortar stores which I didn’t compare to Amazon. I had my bookstore when Amazon first came on the radar, I had just finished putting all my stock online ( a big pain when you do it manually and you have a bazillion books) they did it better than I could but I had used books so didn’t think they were the competition.
Well, I certainly hope all your Christmas wishes come true! Especially that iPad one.
Thanks Meleah, I’d be happy with the Chia.
Aw.
For some reason that Obama chia pet looks like Bill Clinton to me. Have you seen the SpongeBob one? My kid actually wants that.
*wonders if she has enough time to get one before the kids wake up*
I. Am. TOTALLY. With you on waiting in line when you have no children with you. And every other mother on the planet feels the same way. I *love* standing in line when I’m alone and I always turn down an offer to go ahead.
That’s my chance to catch up on the gossip rags for free.
My neighbor has the Bill Clinton but I think they took the Obama ones off the market because of the racial aspect to the hair.
Those grass heads have always held a strange facination for me. I don’t even know why.
It will be great when we can all have a personalized Chia.
Hope they come through for you!!
Personalized Chias, that is your calling. Get on that before someone else sees it and snatches the millions from you.
I think we ought to be allowed to put barking collars on unruly kids. Just sayin.’
Is there a rule that says we can’t?
A very Happy Holidays to all our friends at Red Head Ranting from all your friends at MOB 🙂 ho ho ho
By the way I just ordered a Chia Obama , lol. Enjoy a great New Years Also Jenn xo Thanks for a great year gurl.
Merry to you too!
It is soooo good to be back and present online, but reading your take on things is def a highlight and makes me realize what wonderful people are out there.
Here’s to hoping you got what you wanted for Christmas and Happy blogging in the New Year!
“I turn 45 next month, I can officially start every story with when I was a kid and no one can say a damn thing about it.”
I remember now why I like you so much.