Image by blmurch via Flickr
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner which means if you are a typical guy you haven’t even begun to think about what to get for that special lady. Have no fear, I am here to help you. You’ve probably seen a lot of TV commercials for the perfect gift, one that is sure to get you laid, but I am here to warn you away from the gifts you are sure to buy because you are a guy and just don’t know any better. What follows is a list of five gifts to never, ever, give to any woman you hope to have any kind of future with. I realize a lot of you might not be with women you hope to share a future with and therefore don’t care what I have to say. To which I say go ahead and get these items. However, if you want to get some or at the very least don’t want to sleep on the couch, by all means stay away from the following gifts.
Stuffed Animals
We’ve all seen these adorable bears on the TV commercials and yeah, the bears are cute. But did you get a look at the women receiving the bears? All the women are beautiful, young and obviously stupid. Is your woman any of those things? I didn’t think so. Don’t get her a gift that insults her intelligence. If you think you will get lucky with a gift like this you couldn’t be more wrong. She is not going to fuck you because she will think you are an idiot for spending $70 on a stuffed animal you could have bought at Build a Bear Workshop for $15.
Pajamagram
This is a trap, you cannot win if you get pajamas for your sweetie. If you get these you will have to choose a size and no matter what size you choose it will be wrong. If you guess the size wrong and get them larger than she is she will not talk to you for a week. If you look in her closet you will get the size wrong because pajamas do not come in standard dress sizes like 4, 6, 8, or 10 (your sweetie is most likely a size 12 because that is average). They come in sm, med, lg and xlg but you will be confused because now that you know a size 12 is the size of the average woman that size does not translate to a size Med on the order form. You will have to buy a size Large to get a real medium or average size. Your woman will hate you for getting a size large, unless she is an extra large and then you might get lucky. Take a look at the picture of the model. Does your sweetie look like that? If you said yes, why are you getting something to cover her up? Back to the picture, guess what size she is. You’re wrong. She is a size 0. They don’t even sell clothing in in a size 0. Confused? You can’t win this one. Oh, and like the teddy bear, if you spend $99 for something you could buy at Target for $24 she is going to think you are stupid and she will also think you have money to waste so really you screw yourself with this one.
French Maid’s Costume Complete with Feather Duster
Are you really considering this? How did you even find a woman?
Edible or Crotchless Panties
Edible Panties are made of the same material as Fruit Roll Ups which are disgusting to adults. They also melt and then stick. Unless you are going to get her a complete wax first (and I don’t suggest you do) these will cause more pain and misery than necessary. Additionally you have to choose a size (see Pajamagram above). There is one caveat and that is bacon underwear. Just make sure she isn’t a vegan.
Crotchless Panties are just impractical. If there is no crotch on them there is no point in wearing them. If you are too lazy to remove a pair of panties you really shouldn’t be gettin’ any. Again, you will have to choose a size for these to work properly.
Sex Toys
These can be fun and if your woman is okay with these kinds of toys (and many are not) you can have a great night provided you drink enough first. The problem with sex toys, especially vibrators, is that you will never be able to measure up to an awesome sex toy. They are bigger, sparklier and battery operated. You don’t even need to be around for their use. If you get her one of these you run the risk of being replaced, quickly.
So what can you get your sweetheart for the most over commercialized, fake holiday around?
Roses and her favorite chocolates. Cliché? Yes but you can’t go wrong with either of them because all women love chocolate and all women love to get flowers, even if they tell you they don’t, they still do. If you really want to ensure a night of amazing passion and eternal gratitude then clean the bathroom and empty the dishwasher.
You’re welcome.
Oh this is so very true. I don’t want any of these gifts. How about a couple glasses of wine and a nice dinner. Now you’re talking.
Have a terrific day and weekend. 🙂
Wine is always good.
Nice post. Love all the photos you found and, of course, you’re totally right. You can’t go wrong with chocolates and flowers. Woman love sweet and traditional.
Especially old money traditional.
It does boil down to money. It can buy happiness.
Women love chocolate. Chocolate solves everything. If a man just brought home chocolate every time he messed up his world would be much more peaceful. He’d have a fat wife but there are worse things.
I like roses and chocolates. And jewels. And furs. And new cars. And Lear jets. And Great Danes. And champagne. Scratch that. Make it gin.
I bet Alex showers you with all those things all year long. Great Danes? Really?
THIS!!
“If you really want to ensure a night of amazing passion and eternal gratitude then clean the bathroom and empty the dishwasher.”
All I asked for, for 12 years of marriage, for EVERY gift giving occasion was for HIM to clean the house. He’s an ex now… nuff said.
That’s because they think it’s a trap (and lets be honest, it is) if they only clean the house they will get in trouble for not getting a gift and since their minds don’t work like ours do (they can’t read between the lines or read our minds) they won’t think to do both. They are screwed. I feel bad for men on V-Day, they really can’t win.
I hate to get flowers they’re a total waste of money and they die. A live plant however, completely different. I love love love the raw bacon bra, too bad it’s raw. I’m a firm believer that bacon is the chocolate of meat, and I will eat it until my pants no longer fit.
If you wear bacon pants, that won’t be a problem!
True Michael, raw bacon is pretty stretchy.
I want the flowers because they are already dead and then I don’t feel so bad when I kill them.
Every word is soo soo true!
God, I hate Valentines day – any other day of the year I’d love to receive a gift (not a bacon bra, though, my kids would steal it and eat it) – It;s like everyone turns into a bunch of zombies, stumbling about for gifts and you know that most of the people out there are getting them just so they don’t have to hear any crap from their partner (and, yes, unfortunately it is mostly woman who are guilty of the harassment over Valentines gifts) They’ve been brain washed by Zales and FTD.
I went to Walgreens on V-Day and it was a zoo with many men standing in front of what was left of the candy, cards and gifts. They all looked pained because they knew they had already messed it up by waiting until the last minute and going to Walgreens for the gift. Obviously they don’t read my blog.
I was totally going to bitch about how contrived Valentines Day is and how it guilts people into buying gifts.
Instead, I’d like to know how the bacon bra works. You can’t eat it raw, so do you cook it and have her wear it? (oh god it burns!) Or do you fry it up and share with the whole family?
That makes two of us!
If a girl is standing in front of you in the bacon bra and you are thinking about the bacon, you need help – BUT, being a guy, I can just hear the conversation in your head – “bacon, boobs, bacon, boobs, bacon, boobs – I don’t know what to do” – that is unless A) you’ve been married for over 10 years then you do the bacon or b) you want the bacon bra for yourself
Exactly! Bacon or boobs presents a serious dilemma. There’s also C) Make bacon and eat it too.
You could make a bacon, boobs, lettuce and tomato sandwich. A BBLT. It’s the world’s most comforting comfort food.
I’m trying to picture that now. Do the boobs become the bread, or are they inside the sandwich?
I like to save the best for last, so I’m going to say they’re inside the sandwich where all the mayo is.
I’m afraid to step into this conversation. I think you could peel the bacon off the boobs and then cook it. Just make sure she stands away from the pan, that could hurt.
Oh man!
Alright, then what if I use the French maid outfit to wrap a bunch of chocolates!? That will work, right?!
🙂
I think it would work much better if you wore the french maids outfit. And then post pictures of it on your blog.
I did the stockings lingerie thing one year, and you’re right, it was a huge mistake. Although I disagreed, she thought she looked stupid. And that put a big damper on the whole thing. Now a soft t-shirt’s just fine. Or nothing. Who knew?
And I have no idea how I found a woman. If she dies, I’ll have to get a sex toy.
Have you ever seen the movie “Lars and the Real Girl?” I highly recommend it to you.
Seriously, I’ve watched it 4 times. It’s really quirky and kind of poignant.
Yes, and I totally loved the movie. Wished I’d written it, in fact, because it’s my kind of humor/quirky/sad/happy. You are the only other person I know other than Kerry who’s seen it.
I haven’t seen it but isn’t that the one about the guy who has a blow up doll? I heard it was very good. I will have to see if I can find it on Netflix.
That you thought she didn’t look stupid is really very sweet. Unfortunately most of us have such horrible self images that you wouldn’t be able to convince her otherwise.
You are so right about all of them, except maybe if you are a lesbian, then the sex toy thing is right on if you’ve been together for a bit.
First date valentine…Friday night, that was a tough one. (And yes, I just got home awhile ago.) Don’t get a dozen roses because that’s too much pressure. Don’t get one because that’s cheap. (And don’t buy from Walgreens, your date will know that you didn’t have a clue and just picked up a rose at the check out line.) 2 roses, with baby’s breath and greens. Go to your local grocery and hand pick the roses. Have them spiff it up with baby’s breath and greens. It looks fabulous, and actually more impressive than a dozen roses pulled from a bucket by the check out line sans the spiff. And don’t forget chocolate. And if your date has a child, don’t forget the kid. Your date will be impressed as all get out. You thought of her AND her child.
My head is spinning. I would have skipped it until a safer time of the year.
Valentines day isn’t celebrated in such a big way here – though it’s getting that way. A long stemmed, single red rose was the best thing a man could give you when I was younger. Florists made a fortune out of those!
I worked in a balloon store when I was in college. V-Day was the busiest day of the year, actually the whole week was because there was no way we could do all those deliveries in one day. No one wants balloons anymore which is sad because I would rather have balloons than flowers.
All true! Great post
Thanks!
I hate Valentine’s day and we never celebrate it. I told Jepeto from the start, I would rather you gave me flowers on November 3rd, or March 8th, or September 14th or whenever, just because you thought of me and wanted to let me know.
Madamoiselle, that’s manifique!
Merci Monsieur 🙂
Not me, I want the flowers and the chocolates and a nice dinner out. I tend to marry dumbasses who are incapable of thinking of anyone other than themselves (remember the iron for Christmas?) I’ll do all the planning and will even buy the flowers and chocolate, they just need to pay for it.
I want to be wined and dined. Chocolate just makes me fat and hyper, which I guess helps burn off fat. Besides, Valentine’s Day is just a Hallmark Holiday. I’ll buy a card when I need to, not because someone tells me I should.
My daughter got a card from her dad on v-day, she cast it aside without even opening it because she could tell it was just a card with nothing inside. It isn’t about the sentiment anymore (if it ever was) it’s about selling and marketing.
Yeah… keep it simple! Chocolate, flowers… those work for me. Or at least I think they do… I’ve never gotten either for Valentine’s Day.
Aww…I’m sending chocolates to you.
Yellow roses and/or a small box of soft center chocolates, please.
Or at the very least a box of chocolates with a map. Nothing is worse than biting into a chocolate to discover it is filled with something you don’t like.
I do not understand why any grown man would think a grown woman would want a stuffed animal. WTF?
Messed up.
Maybe a stuffed animal that looks like Johnny Depp?
That would work.
Only if it held something shiny and sparkly and that came from a jewelry store, then it isn’t so lame. Yes it is. Never mind.
I hate that some people wait until the last second to get something…ahhh I am not an afterthought!
Thankfully, after too many years of last minute stuff, I now have a sweetie who gives me foot rubs, after a homemade meal. Oh, and did I mention he cleans the house up before he cooks the meal? Ya, I’m in heaven!
He is a keeper. Does he have a brother? I think I might have asked you that already.
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I do dishes every day. And, as you know, I put the toilet seat down. So we have sex more than once a year. Not much more but more.
So you get Christmas, birthday and v-day sex? There should be a holiday for you for putting the seat down. You da man!
Good advice! Of course, I am not sure that anyone other than Gaga can pull off the bacon bra. LOL!
🙂
Traci
The panties with edible are made of the same material as Fruit Roll Ups that are repugnant to adults. Unless you are going to do a full wax first time can cause more pain and misery is necessary.
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