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That’s right, I said it. We’re all thinking it in the back of our minds so why not say it?
Thanksgiving was pretty much swallowed whole by Christmas. Even before we carved that turkey I got 687 emails about great deals on gifts for Cyber Monday and Black Friday. Not one of them was enough of a deal to make me sell a kidney or get my ass out of bed at 3am. $40 off on an iPad and I might have sold something but those don’t go on sale. And, I’m not going to get one anyway, even though it is all I really want in the whole wide world, though a Dyson or even a Kindle would make me happy too. No, if I want one of those I am going to have to buy it myself and that isn’t going to happen because I just finished paying off last Christmas.
Of course it isn’t about the gifts that I am not going to get. Christmas is about good will toward men and forgiveness and the birth of some baby, it’s not about the commercialism at all. I just wish someone would tell that to the stores, the media and my kids.
The Music
It’s only December 1st and for the last month two of my favorite radio stations have been playing non-stop Christmas music, I like myself a little Jingle Bells, but not before Thanksgiving. Even Billy Idol’s Jingle Bell Rock can be fun once in a while but no one, and I mean no one, needs to hear *NSYNC’s version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Give me some Bing Crosby, and even pair him up with David Bowie but please stop playing Celine Dion and that dreadful Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. That one will stick in your head until the 4th of July.
The Food
It starts with Thanksgiving, you have all those leftovers. Pie, turkey, and mashed potatoes and then before you know it you are snarfing down Hershey’s Kisses like there is no tomorrow. You can’t stop with just one. As much as I would love to spend the entire holiday season in a state of drunkenness, just to make it more bearable, I can’t. I have kids, I sometimes have to drive them places and show up for school functions. Since I can’t drink my way through the holidays I eat instead. I eat things I wouldn’t normally eat any other time of the year. In fact I eat things I don’t even like that much but because it is the holiday and there is a tradition involved. I eat herring. I don’t even like herring but I eat it. I eat those little Russian Tea Cakes because it’s Christmas time. I’ve even been known to eat marzipan, just to see if I might like it now that I am an adult. I don’t, it still sucks. It used to be that the holiday eating season lasted from Thanksgiving to New Years but now it starts at Halloween and lasts through Valentine’s Day. That leaves us with only eight months to lose it all before it starts again. Which pretty much rules out any travel to warm places.
Traveling
I don’t travel during the holidays. Hell, I don’t travel anywhere these days but if I were to go on some luxury holiday I’d have to get felt up at the airport first. As much as I am looking for some adult company I don’t really care for it by strangers, especially when they are getting paid and I am not. I’m really sick of all the news reports showing the lines at the airport, the stories of people who have been snowed in and are sleeping at the airport. You know what? I don’t care. They are going somewhere which means they are getting away from where ever they are at the moment. I don’t get away and if I did I’d probably have to bring my kids with me. Those people, the ones stuck in the airport with little kids, I do feel sorry for but the rest of the people can suck it. Its winter, it snows, airports have delays, get over it and suck it up. If you don’t want to sleep at the airport then take your holiday vacation in the summer.
Relatives
What is about the holiday season that makes some people think you must reestablish cut ties? There is a reason we don’t get together the rest of the year, why spoil it by hanging out on Christmas or Christmas Eve? That’s right, we’re related. Thankfully I don’t have any in laws anymore and I don’t have to go to their house and force down over cooked roast beef, drink really cheap wine and then sing songs around the fake fireplace. I don’t have to act happy and excited when I open the third set of bath salts, squelching the impulse to tell them I don’t take baths, I’m a shower kind of girl. There is currently a commercial on TV for a book from the rehab center Passages. I can’t remember the title but the copy says something like “Buy my book and you can be sober for the holidays”. Why would anyone want to be sober for the holidays? If I have to spend time with my relatives you can bet I am going to have my buzz on.
The Ads on TV
The ads on TV probably cause more depression than all the other things about Christmas combined. Who gets a car for Christmas? Someone must be getting a car because they wouldn’t have these commercials suggesting such a thing if it didn’t work. I want to meet these people who get cars for Christmas and then I want them to set me up with their brother.
What about jewelry? The only jewelry I ever got for Christmas, besides the monogrammed stick pin my brother gave me when I was 10, was a bracelet from my first husband. The only reason I got that was because his original gift was an iron and that just didn’t fly. I’m not counting my macaroni bracelet and necklace sets because Jared doesn’t sell those. Next to the Mercedes for Christmas those have to be the most ridiculous Christmas ads ever. If I ever got a gift from Jared, and someone actually said “He went to Jared!” I think I throw it at him. Or the people who said “He went to Jared!” not sure who would be more annoying.
Why don’t we see ads for gifts for men? Aside from the Santa on the electric shaver I can’t think of any ads for men’s clothing or even power tools. Of course that might be because I am too busy throwing things at the TV during the car and Jared commercials that I just don’t notice them.
Gifts for the kids
Now that my son is older he is easy to buy for, he knows what he wants and he has a pretty good idea of the budget I am working with. The 7 year old daughter not so much. She has no concept of what these things cost and she isn’t the least interested in learning. She just wants it all. Granted, the items on her wish list are less expensive individually but she expects Santa to bring presents still and she doesn’t understand that the elves have gone on strike because Santa can’t afford the union dues anymore. Santa is bringing things like socks and underwear this year, crappy gifts that are practical and kill two birds with one stone. I feel bad because when I was a kid I did get the Barbie Townhouse and I would love to get her one except I would have to put it together, I would have to fix it when it broke and I would have to pay for it by taking out a second mortgage on my house.
Decorating
I haven’t even thought about decorating yet. That’s not really true, last weekend I almost gathered the kids and dragged them to the tree farm but that was a passing thought and eventually it went away. It went away because I realized I would then have to drag out all the lights, ornaments and other Christmas decorations just so I could bitch for three hours while I put it all together. I have a hard time enjoying the lights and smell of the tree when I know I am just going to have to take it all down in a few weeks.
It seems to me the holiday depression is kicking in a little early this year. Usually I make it through at least one viewing of It’s a Wonderful Life before the blues kick me. I’m not ready to slit my wrists and I’m not going to skip Christmas but knowing I’m not getting that iPad, Dyson or Kindle makes slogging through the holiday season just a little harder each year. Thankfully, I have Kalua.
I hear ya sister. Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids, maybe it’s just because I’m getting older, but Christmas doesn’t do it for me much anymore. I do like the season of giving, but I don’t like it shoved down my throat every day from every media outlet and people everywhere who are going crazy shop, shop, shopping.
I prefer to give to others and charities on my own time and in my own way. I will watch It’s a Wonderful Life and I will cry like I do every year. But I won’t get caught up in the extra stress this month if I can help it. And I also won’t be freaking out when the January bills come in, because I won’t make a single Christmas purchase on a credit card.
I’m in the same boat with you on eating for a month between holidays. It’s worse now that I’m older, because I have to exercise twice as hard for half the benefit. And the weather is lousy for outdoor workouts. So me and my extra holiday flab stay under the covers as much as possible until the first sign of spring when everyone and everything returns to f*cking normal.
Signed,
Cold Dead Heart from Bethlehem, PA (ironic, no?)
Ha! I LOVE that the cold dead heart is from the little town of Bethlehem.
Just north of me is a town called Nazareth. No lie. My father’s family is from there.
I hear ya. I love Thanksgiving because it has not been hijacked by commercialism, it can’t be because it isn’t about giving gifts, it’s about giving thanks and so far you can’t buy that. I love the idea of Christmas and all my memories of it growing up are wonderful though I am sure there were times I thought it sucked. I remember having dinner with my family and how much fun that was to get dressed up and eat with the good china and make a special dinner. We do that but it just doesn’t seem all that special because we always eat dinner together. And because the kids still bicker at Christmas dinner. I want to make happy memories for them, I am sure they will look back fondly on the Christmases we have but for me they are just a lot of work.
This is going to sound so high and mighty in an I-give-to-charity-so-I-can-ride-my-high-horse-all-over-town kind of way but I really love giving a goat to a family in a third-world country through World Vision.
Gah, this is not a sponsored commercial, it’s just that donating to that cause really does make me feel some of the holiday spirit.
*drops the goodwill talk, picks up her sarcasm and wraps it around her neck like a well-worn scarf*
Much like YOU and Kathy, I enjoy the SPIRIT of Christmas, but NOT the sheer insanity that comes along with it.
I would also REALLY love a Dyson or an iPad, but all of my money will be going towards the purchase of a new electric guitar for my son. He’s earned it. Seriously.
I hate traveling, and especially during the holidays. Thanksgiving kicked my ass. But, since we are HOSTING Christmas, thankfully I will NOT have to travel again. However, I still haven’t decided whether hosting / or traveling is worse? I suppose only time will tell.
As for the food situation? I am allergic to 99% of what’s being served on any given day, so it is absolutely TORTUROUS to sit at the table filled with people stuffing their faces with yummy goodness. Therefore, I WILL be drinking my way through the season – and if my son needs a ride somewhere, he can call a friend!
Relatives? Well, I actually LIKE all of mine. And I love seeing them. So, I’m considering myself VERY lucky.
The incessant music and the ads on TV drive me bat.shit.crazy – I’ve learned how to just tune them out. Mostly.
We have not started decorating – and quite frankly, I’m not too sure we are going to.
Hang in there, Jennifer.
I raise my glass of Grey Goose to *clink* your glass of Kalua.
All the relatives I liked have died or moved away. That’s what I miss most, the house filled with drunk relatives, someone crying because someone said something stupid, all that fun holiday stuff. Too bad my kids are too young and can’t drink yet.
I am sorry things are not maaavelous for you. If I were there I would give you a goat hug.
Goat hugs make everything better!
I thought for sure this post would be curse word filled, based on the title, but no. Still, plenty of bitching about Christmas, which I do so enjoy. The bitching, not the holiday. I enjoy the bitching.
It’s the holiday depression, I can’t even get fired up enough about anything to swear because Christmas and all it’s fucking cheer has kicked me in the ass.
I should have sworn more, I wish I had thought of that, people are probably expecting that. Damn.
Today is December 1. I have not bought the first Christmas present, done my Christmas cards, bought a tree, or in any tangible way acknowledged that the Holidays are upon us. I cannot believe it is that time again. I feel like I just put everything away. I, too, detest the endless ads, and being inundated with the music of the Season everywhere I go. I love giving presents (even more than getting them although that’s nice, too) but I just can’t get in the mood this year. Here’s wishing that everyone gets what they want, even if it just some peace and quiet.
Peace and quiet is a great gift, something I keep asking for but just as elusive and unattainable as my iPad. Some day.
As for music, what is even worse than the radio playing non stop xmas music is when you are in a store and they have different music in each department so your head is clogged with all kinds of music you keep repeating to yourself as you shop for stupid gifts no one really wants.
Hey, Jen. How ’bout these ornaments? http://freshome.com/2009/12/18/fuck-christmas-tree-ornament/
Now, those are some great ornaments!
I LOVE those, and I am so glad I don’t have commenters like that guy does! Ouch.
Geez. I didn’t even look at them. Yeah, harsh. But maybe it was way out of character for him. Here? I’m in awe of you for using this post title.
Get out of town. No seriously, there’s nothing like avoiding all the crap attached to Christmas than getting out of town. Mrs. Dufus and I are going to Panama. That was our Christmas present to each other – being somewhere warm for Christmas.
Dude. Can I come? I’d totally carry your luggage, make you dinner reservations, bring you drinks by the pool and keep annoying children away from you. Deal?
I wanna come too… Take me! Take me! I promise to be quiet and not bother you!
If I could afford to get out of town I could afford an iPad. Out of town is even more out of the question because I’d have to find someone to watch my kids, because God knows I don’t want to take them with me.
Amen. I love Christmas, the fantasy. The reality is painful and irritating. Snuggies? Chia Pets? Need I say more?
There was a time I thought Chia Pets were interesting, I smoked pot back then but still they were kinda cool. Now they are everywhere so not such a find any more. Snuggies are just a big lint picker upper and then put back downer on something else. I’ll take the fantasy anyday.
So I suppose wishing you a Merry Christmas is out of the question…
No, not at all. Wish away. That is what makes Christmas good, friends and well wishes. Merry Christmas to you Jayne!
Thanks, kiddo, and right back at ya. Sorry I missed out on the bourbon balls this year. Next year for sure.
We just finished the last of Thanksgiving leftovers today. ugh. I never travel for the holidays either. In fact I never travel…ever. It’s never been in the budget and I always say I’m going to use part of my tax refund for a nice vacation, but it never happens because something always comes up. I swear…SWEAR this coming year I will MAKE it happen!
My ex, and now my bff told me this morning that she booked a New Year’s Las Vegas trip for her and her new gf. I was totally green with envy, cuz if we were together, she would be booking and paying for that trip for me and her. Can I admit that I did a little dance a few minutes ago when she told me that her exhb reminded her that she promised to take the kids for New Year’s this year and she had to cancel her trip? Ok…it was a BIG dance.
Oh, and about Christmas gifts. I always get crap, except for 1 year I got an engagement ring from Anastasia. Of course that meant absolutely nothing because she never intended to marry me. That ring was just meant to keep the droves of chicks away. (How do I know there would be droves of chicks? Cuz that’s what I’m dealing with right now. And I’m in a very iffy relationship and I have no idea how to deal with all these other chicks who want to date me. I’m serious. They are coming out of the woodwork.) And last year…what did I get from Anastasia? A cast iron dutch oven that I had to go get myself AND pay for myself because she ran out of money. No doubt because she was buying her new gf all kinds of gifts. Bitter? You betcha!
WTF happened to my other comment? It was about travel. I never travel for the holidays. In fact I never travel…ever. It’s never in the budget. Every year I say I’m going to use part of my tax refund for a nice vacation, but it never happens because something always comes up. I swear…SWEAR this coming year I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!
My ex , now my bff (6 month on again off again relationship) told me this morning that she had booked a New Year’s Las Vegas trip with her new gf. Can I say how green with envy I was? OMG! It literally ruined my day. (Not that it was all that far from being ruined anyway, but that’s another story.) So if we were still together I would be going to Las Vegas for New Year’s and she would be footing the bill for both of us, cuz she’s generous that way. So can I admit that I did a little dance a few minutes ago when she told me that she forgot she promised her exhb that she would take the kids this year for New Year’s and that she had to cancel her trip? Ok…it was a BIG dance.
I can’t keep up with all your GFs and exes. In the two comments I have read so far it sounds like you broke up with one and then before you posted the next comment you met another one. I don’t know how you do it but my hat is off to you.
Sweetie, as soon as I win the lotto, we’re going to Bermuda for Christmas. Forget all the stuff here. We’ll just go drink mai tai’s and eat good food and sit in the sun under umbrellas and toast merry Christmas with a nice champagne.
Can I come too? That sounds really good right about now!
Yes. Pack the bikini and the helmet.
bikini and helmet? please explain.
I’m assuming the helmet is so I don’t fall over and kill myself! It’s gonna look great with the bikini!
Because Linda said it I assumed there was some sexual thing that went along
with wearing a helmet. I have no idea what but was sure if anyone needed a
helmet during sex it was probably Linda.
Jen, I’m downright hurt. What a comment! A helmet during sex? I’ve only done that once ever and it was on the Harley so it made perfect sense. You judge me so cruelly, my darling daughter.
I think you misinterpreted my comment, it was hardly made in judgment, it
was in awe.
I’m holding my breath!
And thankfully, I’m going to have some of your bourbon balls soon to help me get through the season! Maybe we should all get together for an anti-holiday party of some sort.
We can do it at the Slumber party unless everyone wants to come to Minnesota. That would be a lot of fun!
Now that I’m finally back in my own house, I hope to make it to the next slumber party! But be careful… you never know when I might come to Minnesota again!
If it weren’t so blasted cold here I would suggest we have a TB convention
in Minnesota. The summer is so hot and muggy and the bugs are big. Winter is
probably better because people could ski or shoot animals or do whatever it
is that we do here in the winter. It would be so much fun to do something
like that.
..Or maybe something in the Fall? I’d be there and I’ll bring the wine.
As every year passes Christmas gets a little less magical, but I do still like it. That could have something to do with the fact that I don’t have children, and we always fast forward ads on the TV.
We only ever got into debt once at Christmas, and that was when we had a seven year old girl living with us. We went totally overboard to compensate her for not being with her parents. Did she appreciate it? Not a bit. She put them all in black sacks and stored them in her bedroom, never to see the light again.
There are millions of people out there needing help with finding the right shopping deals. Glad to see you’re taking the time to help others out. Excellent article.
A big AMEN to this!!
Miss Mark Mack Mack times 300 days – Good to see you back!!
Where the hell have you been? I miss you! And I can’t get that damn Mary
Mack song out of my head.
OH Honey…you are speaking my language. I had the knife to my wrist when I saw this..but then I laughed and felt better. I can make it thru another day of Hanukkah!
Ugh, guilty on the little Russian Tea Cakes which I really do not like. Why? Why do I do this? But there’s no way in hell I’ll ever eat herring. *vomits on the floor and then wish she had a dog to clean it up*
Just once I want to watch someone put a gigantic bow on a car. I don’t even need to be the recipient, I just want to sit inside the warm house with a cup of coffee watching that dude fight the snow to get that red bow underneath the car, side to side and front to back, and then stand on the roof trying to get the fluff of the ribbon just right.
I bet that dude needs a stiff drink and a towel to wipe away the sweat after he’s finished.
I’m behind you 100 percent about Christmas, the stupid gifts, relatives you don’t really want to spend time with and the fucking music…that goes on and on and on..never ending.
There is only one solution: Santa Claus must die.
Oh, by the way great post, I couldn’t have said it better!
I’m totally with you on this. My office is attached to a mall and I’ve already been avoiding frantic present buying idiots, so yeah. Down with x-mas!
Then again, I’ll be getting a few days off which I wouldn’t get if x-mas didn’t exist. So, uh, up with x-mas?
AMEN and a triple F-Christmas. While I love putting smiles on the little brats faces and giving them wonderful memories to last a lifetime – you can take all the toys r us catalogues and shove them up Rudophs ass. My 6 year old cuts out every single present she wants and puts it in an envelope to make it easier for me to shop – what a sweetheart. Man, I should have shoved religion down her throat like my parents did mine then I could use that line, “Christmas isn’t about toys it’s about the birth of Christ”
As far as kisses go – enjoy a thousand creamy delicious ones, they are one of the true pleasures in life.
Last year I bought my husband a card from Dirty Shanks – “Merry Fucking Christmas” this year I want to get enough to send to all of my friends and family. Christmas has just turned into a big pile of over priced retail poo.
I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely loved every little bit of it. I have you bookmarked your site to check out the new stuff you post.
That is the best Christmas rant I have ever read. I love it and I agree wholeheartedly. I would do away with entire holiday season, except New Years, if I could.
If hear one more verse of “Jingle Bells Rock.” I will strangle the first Santa I see. They crank up the Christmas songs to unbearable decibels at the A&P supermarket. I leave the store before I get everything I need.
The commercial with the Lexus as a Christmas gift, tied with a bow, is really offensive to me, especially in this economic environment.
My eyes still well up with tears every time I watch “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
I’ll start by apologizing. I like Christmas. Not the length of it or the damn Christmas songs all the time on the radio (I ride with my Ipod and listen to 80’s music. That’s festive) but I do love gift GIVING. I even bought 2 presents for myself this year (from hubster and the kids) to make it easier on them:)
Aghhhhh…its Christmas! You cannot have that type of attitude! I feel your stress though!