What do women want?
Since time began men have been pulling their hair out trying to answer this question. If men could just figure out what women want their lives would be so much easier and peaceful. Unfortunately most men try to find the answer to this question by asking their buddies, usually single buddies. They never go to the source to find the answer to this question. Which is really not surprising given how men are unwilling to ask for directions. So listen up men, because I love you guys, and because I am a giving kind of person, I am here to answer that age old question of what women really want. Thank you.
1. Women want to be treated just like men.
Currently women are making 75.5 cents for every dollar men earn. If we perform the job just as well as men we ought to be paid the same as men. Unless that job involves killing hairy spiders or cleaning out septic tanks, then we’re okay with the whole inequality thing because there is no way we want to kill the spiders and suck out the sludge. We’ll stand there and hold the shovel.
2. Women do not want to be objectified
When you talk to us we would really appreciate it if you would look at our eyes. Unless, of course, we just spent $75 on a really great push up bra, in which case we want you to notice our perky breasts, but only for a few seconds.
3. Women want foreplay
Real foreplay, not a 15 second back rub the minute we sit down after a day of working 10 hours at our 75.5 cent to your dollar job and then helping with homework, cooking, cleaning and all things mom. If you want to get us in the mood then run a load of laundry from start to finish and don’t ask us to praise you for it. Just do it.
4. Women don’t want to be asked stupid questions
Kathy from The Junk Drawer summed this up nicely:
There is no question from my husband I hate more in the world than “Are these dishes clean?”
O. M. F. G. Can’t you just LOOK and SEE if they’re clean????? If there are not chunks of breakfast, lunch or dinner on anything inside, then go ahead and assume they are clean. And while you’re at it, EMPTY IT!
5. Women want to be understood
We really want you to understand what it means when we say fine. It means that no matter what you say we have won the argument and you would be best off apologizing if you want to make the fight go away. We want you to know that there are a few days each month when we are a little crabby, maybe weepy and we NEED chocolate. Stop eating our stash.
It’s pretty simple.
Pay us the same, kill the spiders, do some laundry, stop eating our chocolate.
Oh, and pick up your wet towels and dirty socks.
Thanks for the leeway on #2 . . .
You are welcome. Just remember it's the three second rule but only if we have spent the better part of the afternoon at Victoria's secret. There is no way you would know this so be careful.
Works for me. I love every single point here.
Have a terrific day. 🙂
Thanks! I was trying to keep it short and sweet for the short attention spans. I was afraid I might have lost them when I used the word 'breasts'.
And stop asking “Was it good for you?” after sex. We know you're just fishing for compliments and your need for ego-stroking is exhausting.
I've never had a guy ask me that. Which makes me wonder about a lot of things now.
I don't think it's ego stroking we're really after, but I could be wrong.
Why men think they can eat our chocolate I will never understand. Never. Seriously, how silly are they?
I love the article! Love it!
My ex#2 used to always tell me he didn't have a sweet tooth, hated sweets in fact. Hell, that was half the reason I married him, I figured he'd stay away from my chocolate. Hell no he didn't.
And don't assume there's nothing wrong when you ask us, “What's Wrong” and we answer, “Nothing.”
Nothing means you better rack your brain mister for whatever assbag thing you did or said and profusely apologize for it because if you don't recognize that you're in deep shit right now, then you're going to be in quicksand shit momentarily.
And that guy in the “Date Rich Men” ad on the sidebar is really distracting me. It's like he's staring right at me as I write. Like my kids do, when they're trying to get me off the computer. STOP IT, DUDE!
I forgot that one, thanks for including it. “What's wrong?” could have been included in the stupid question section too since they don't understand “Nothing” and how much of a something it really is.
Sorry about the guy in the side bar, I hadn't noticed it until you pointed it out. Apparently no one else notices it either.
I'm looking all over and can't find the guy. Where's the guy?
He was in the sidebar vertical ad right next to the post about midway down.
For me I have a knight or some Dungeons and Dragons things. Actually I don't
really know because even I don't look at my ads.
OK. Now I got him It's an ad for dating rich men. He's not that hot. It was a women or something else every time I refreshed.
This is why dating women, and being in a relationship is soooo much easier. I'm just saying…
I bet it is much easier to date a woman, you both know exactly what the other wants.
I keep reading about the celebrities who discovered they were lesbians in their 50's and have been waiting for it to happen to me, but no such luck. If God hadn't been in such a rush for a day off, he would have thought to make everyone bisexual — double the dating pool and one less group to discriminate against.
We definitely want men to stop eating our damn chocolate!
The publicist is smart…she only eats milk chocolate and the male person only likes dark chocolate so her chocolate is safe. Don't tell him but she will sometimes snitch the dark chocolate if there is no milk chocolate around. He is too much of a snob to do likewise.
And underwear. There is usually underwear with the dirty socks. Why it can make it to the bed but not the hamper is the question.
And as for me – my studmuffin will wag his tongue and any doe that crosses his path. He is a pig!
I'd really like it if they could pull their socks off without having them
all bunched into a sweaty, smelly ball. I can't stand having to put my whole
arm in the sock to get it right side in so that it gets washed properly.
Chocolate is chocolate as far as I am concerned. I can't imagine not eating
chocolate because it had milk in it, or not for that matter. Does this mean
that you have twice as much chocolate?
The dark chocolate doesn't thrill – it's desperation chocolate.
Pithy post, dead on. Here's how I solved the problem of t-shirts taken off & put into hamper inside out. I simply refused to turn them right side out. Clean & folded, he asked why I didn't and I said, “You want them right side out, you put them right side out.” Think I actually saw a light bulb go on in his brain. Alas, other problems not so easy to solve, so I did end up putting an ax through his head.
hehehe. As a man I know that I should not say too much on this one. I will say that I learnt a thing or two from the article, I am not going to say which things. Now I am off to try and find those chocolates 😉
Oh, well it looks like I am already the perfect husband then!
My bride makes more money than me…
I restrain the wildlife we encounter in the house…
I do most of the housework…
And I BUY her chocolate!
Do I win the contest??
You are like some mythical creature!
Wow Joe, your wife is a LUCKY WOMAN!
Can we clone Joe?
Joe, you're a real suckup. I saw you looking at Jen's perky breasts, don't lie.
I mean I assume they're perky. I didn't actually look myself. I'm better than that, and I like Jen for her mind.
They are only perky when I wear the $75 push up bra from Victoria's Secret, of course then they are right under my chin but that's okay.
Oh, this is such an awesome list. Just yesterday, on my way to a meeting with systems analysts who aren't used to dealing with many women in the field (the ratio of men to women in our computing wing is something like 15:1), I ran into the office waving my hands and squealing like a five year old and reported to two of them that “there's a giant thousand legger out there in the hallway!!!! Can someone kill it??!!”
I set back the womens movement approximately 30 years.
Oh what a let down. The spider I mean. I bet it was not a female. She would have been fine tuned as to when to appear, causing you to enter the room in a fitting manner, and scare the hell out of an unsuspecting male!
That's okay Kathy. Seems to me every time we shave our legs we set it back a decade.
Jen, just give it up. Until they start performing penile labotomies (which would be removing the brain from the penis and implanting it farther up the body) there is absolutely no hope. But it IS a nice dream.
I couldn't have said that any better!
I'm out of my mind with the stupid questions. Hubster being home all day is killing me. I may post this where he can see it. That means no where near the laundry or the kitchen. Maybe in his shed on his lawnmower?
I always found the best place to post anything for a man to see it was on
the wall above the toilet. If he's a sitter make sure it's on the opposite
I totally agree with everthing you say. Specially the foreplay. With my husband it's like kiss kiss than wham bam thank you ma'am. No wonder I never want to get it on. Men!
That pretty much sums it up. Oh, and can I just add that men's little trick of “its so much easier to beg for forgiveness than it is to get permission” gets really old, really fast?
But it's such a lie. It take days, maybe week to beg for forgiveness and only about an hour to get permission, especially if they ask properly.
I do find myself asking stupid questions and making stupid comments – often.
So … umm …still… you do you or don't you want to be looked at when that top shows ALL your curves ?
If we are having a conversation and we have our clothes on we prefer you look in our eyes and not at our boobs. Didn't I already say this? Hang on, I'll type slower.
Three seconds if we have a brand new bra. If it's the old one and our boobs are hanging down to our knees you don't need to look.
I think it's just best not to look at all if you can help it. Which you can't, because you're basically just a giant walking penis. But you can try.
This list just proves that men have not learned a thing in the last 40 years. It's the same list that was about then. Me thinks they may never learn 😉
That's because none of the men finished reading past the word “breasts” and
if they did they got completely sidetracked on foreplay.
Ha ha ha! Don't they always?
Did I hear the word breasts? What the fuck were we talking about, I can't remember now. Breasts! Wonderful!
Jen, we don't kill critters in our house except mosquitoes. I do agree completely about the socks. I have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown for over 20 years because those g d socks are left on the floor. I am not a maid. I am not a mommy. I am tired of screaming over this. When I finally put an ax through an otherwise perfectly good husband's head, you will nod wisely and say “it was because of the socks”. There's not a jury of women who could convict me either.
I'd have to agree with you. The balled up, inside out, sock defense works every time.
I tried to come up with a rhyme like Johnny Cochrane but couldn't think of anything that would rhyme with acquit.
When you find socks on the floor, toss them in the garbage. Eventually, he'll figure it out.
I throw them away when they turn into leg warmers but if I threw them away
because they were simply on the floor, I'd just have to go and buy more.
I like that idea but if I did that then it would be me who has to go out and buy him new socks because I look after that department as well.
#3 alone would be a miracle.
I know. I can see running a load through the washing machine, letting it sit there for three days and then putting it in the dryer where it would sit another three days (just to make sure the wrinkles are set in good) and then have it sit in the basket for another couple of days until he needed something out of it. He'd be upset for the wrinkles and the musty smell and ask that someone else please do it correctly. I can't see the whole thing happening in under two hours. But if it did, that would be great foreplay.
Okay, wait. I have to call “bullshit” on the “can't you just see if they're clean” thing. Since you neurotic whackos (read: women) insist that we “rinse” the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, in our opinion they're clean already. What we mean is, “are they YOUR version of clean.”
If they are clean then put them away. In our house we rinse by putting the dishes on the floor and letting the dog take care of them. The sanitize cycle of the dishwasher is the only way to get dog slobber off the dishes, but it's your house so if you think they are clean then put them in the cupboard. Think of all the water you'll save.
I couldn't agree more, Jen! Especially about the whole foreplay thing. I would have loved to have been wined and dined and had the chores taken care of… now THAT would have put me in the mood!
I'd be willing to skip the wine and dine for the dishes. Though, all three would be nice. Except, I'd feel guilty and get up and do the dishes.
Men everywhere should be bowing at your feed right now for this post….after they empty the dishwasher of course.
Apparently I have pissed a few off.
Well, the angry ones can go fuck themselves. As they probably do anyway, what with being men and all.
Dear Jen, you are cheating on me. Someone else is doing your graphics. And you didn't even have the heart to call. Do you want the ring back? Sincerely, Your apparent lost and alone Ex. (ok so they are better than me… dang!)
Now, to the post content…. can I add:
“And men, can you give us a little kiss or hug every day on the days you don't want sex, just so we know that every time you kiss or hug us it does not mean you want sex? That way as you approach us for a little tenderness, we won't roll our eyes and cringe. We will actually hold out our arms, knowing this won't require more work. And if you do this, most likely WE will start something ourselves once in a while. Especially after reading Jen's new reviews…”
I would love it if my husband helped out around the house. I basically do everything relating to the household and it would be nice if I could have a day off once in a while. Another thing that bugs me is that my husband will come home from work and watch tv and lie on the couch. He also does this on weekends. If I were to do this for just one day he would think that I was being lazy and would tell me so. I am lucky if I get a 1/2 hour to just sit and watch tv in a day. When my first son was a newborn he would come home and ask me what did I do all day because dinner wasn't made and the house was a mess. Never ask your wife this question!
Hey Jen, first things first. Love the new look and that pic of you is great!
I'd like a man who could understand my moods and respect my chocolate. I'd really like a man who didn't ask me stupid questions. I'd absolutely LOVE a man who wants to turn my crank by turning the knob on the washing machine! And it would be so awesome if none of these men knew about the others!
Nicky, I love you. You crack me up.
Jen, I crack you up. You love me, too.
Wait, did I say that right?
Aww Mike, you know I love you, even if you try to stir up a cat fight between two redheads for no better reason than just to see if you can.
I've also heard that you'd like a man with green skin, awesome hair and an extra arm. But that's a whole different story……
green skin, awesome hair, extra arm – yes
man – um…..
green skin, awesome hair, extra arm – yes
man – um….
Just so all of you women know: when you're right, You're boring. And you wonder why your husbands cheat on you. Stop trying to perfect everything in life, and just live it!
P.S. If you're husband won't help you, then maybe you have picked the wrong person to spend you're life with.
The title of this post should be: What women want before they meet Acadia. There. Now you have a bunch more jokes you can tell.
I confess that aside from #1, I don't really relate to any of this at all. But then, Brian is what our soon-to-be-former governor refers to as a “girly-man.” I'm the one who has a hard time keeping my socks and such off the floor, and he is far better at laundry than I am. In fact, he's so critical of how I do laundry that I only do my own stuff, and only when he isn't home so I don't have to listen to him tell me the “right way” to do it. Mainly, the stupid questions he asks have to do with computers. The spiders? Either of us will catch 'em and set them outside (if they don't get eaten by a cat first). On top of that he has actually LEARNED to just leave me alone when I'm clearly in one of my moods.
For the most part, I think I lucked out.
You did luck out. It sounds nice and peaceful at your house.
Women are confusing. I don't even bother trying to figure them out anymore. 😉
I really tried to clear it up for you. I'm sorry we are so challenging. Just agree with us, give us your credit cards and pick up your dirty socks and we're good.
That? was perfect.
I am pretty awesome at killing spiders but my husband feels like he should be the one to do it, so he does, even though it seems to bother him a lot more than it bothers me.
Awesome list, I'd just like to add that sometimes all we want is for men to listen to us rant and weep or whatever we need to get off our chest. We don't need 87 helpful suggestions, it's not about fixing the problem, we just want to be heard.
That is a great addition, men tend to want to fix the problem, no matter
what it is and even if there is no 'fix' to it. They just want to be able to
fire up that power tool and make it all better. And, bless their hearts for
doing so. But, we don't usually want them to fix it, we just want to be able
to piss and moan for a while.
My ex#1 wasn't very good about killing things either. We had a bit of a bat
problem in our house and I was the designated bat trapper because he would
hide in the bathroom and cry like a girl. I didn't like them any more than
he did, and I had the whole hair thing going on, but I was damned if I was
going to let one of them fly around my house. I became rather good at Bat
I am laughing harder than is probably lady like at “bat mitten”
Women don't want you to pour through everything she's just done again yourself, because you are afraid she didn't do it right. After 30 years of marriage, you should be aware that she's competent and save time.
That's a good one. I haven't ever gotten past the three year marriage mark but in that short time he was looking over my shoulder about everything, especially cooking. So I stopped doing it for him.
OK, I'll tell you what women want from us…they want a friend, a companion, a lover, a father, a master chef, an electrician, a carpenter, a plummer, a farmer, a mechanic, a stylist, a decorator, a sexologist, a gynecologist, a psychologist, a pest exterminator, a psychiatrist, a healer, a GOOD listener, an organizer, very clean, sympathetic, athletic and warm, attentive, gallant and intelligent, funny, creative, tender and strong, understanding, tolerant and prudent, ambitious, capable, and courageous, determined, true and dependable. Passionate and compassionate. And we must not forget to give her compliments daily. Love shopping, be honest and very rich. Not stress her out or look at other girls…even if they have a low neckline and that special pushup bra. We must also give her lots of special attention and expect little ourselves. Give her lots of time especially for herself. Give her lots of space and ever worry about where she goes. It is VERY important never to forget birthdays, anniversaries, and arrangements she makes. That is what women want!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and by the way, it's impossible not to stare at all the cleavage women with there push-up bra's are showing these days, but we try not too, darn it we do!
If you can do all that, you can stare at all the cleavage you want 🙂
When I first moved out of my parents house, I complained to my mother that my roomate leaves his dirty dishes everywhere. She replied, “now you know what it's like.” I've been a good boy ever since.
#4 reminds me of this morning as I rode my bike up to the office. I ran into a colleague who asked me, “biking today?” First thing in the morning, that's what comes out of his brain. Wow.
As a tiny minority male commenting here, I do get the whole what women want thing, but it amazes me constantly just how differently our brains are wired.
Nothing like experience to learn you a little.
We are wired differently and while it was frustrating before it is not just interesting and fun. I've embraced the differences, I don't need to prove myself by changing a tire.
I'm so confused, especially about what I'm supposed to look and for how long and with how much appreciation. Anyway, who cares what women want? What matters is what men want, and nobody–not even men–ever asks that question because nobody cares about men. We're just here to kill spiders and clean out septic tanks.
P.S. — I'm scared of spiders. And shit, come to think of it.
Fell out of my chair laughing when I read Kathy's snippet. I experience the same thing every morning and it drives me UP THE WALL!
I now leave the door to the dishwasher open with the bottom rack pulled out in the morning. There. THERE! Those effers are clean. Get your coffee cup.
What a great idea! If I leave mine open the dog just thinks it's his invitation to do a little more rinsing.
This should be required reading for all men over the age of 5. Well done, Jen. I'll go a step further and state that I'm comfortable enough with my inequality that I don't even want to stand there and hold the shovel.
It's all about choices, the womans movement, isn't it? Your right to hold
the shovel or not. I've watched a lot of construction crews in my life and
there is always some guy holding the shovel. Thing is, he could have rested
against a wall and the job would have been accomplished just as well. See,
we are smarter.
I don't want any of those things. I just want money.
Well, the dirty socks thing sounds good, too.
This is why men don't understand women.
Don't objectify us unless we want to be objectified.
Give us equality but only parts of it.
I agree that women should be treated as equals
but you will never get it unless you act as equals.
Double standards creates animosity and friction.
That's a great list, you really nailed it. I might have M read this. Although, I can't say it would be much easier living with a woman either… Just imagine, two people who are real bitches once a month, two people who know exactly how they want things to be done and if they don't get their way, they sulk and are too stubborn to apologize. …Or maybe that's just me. 😉
No, you probably nailed it too. I think it's just hard to live with another
person, it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight. Living with kids is
probably easier because you can tell them what to do.
What a great list and all true! I am lucky I have a hubby that does it all!
You are lucky! I've yet to have one that did it all.
[…] Ireland’s brand new website, which rocks, btw! An awesome blog tour interview with Jim Ryan Remember that Redhead chick I linked to last week? Well this week she’s back to tell you what women want. SHATURDAY Need I say more? Drew Beatty […]
[…] Redhead! — She kills for the LOLZ […]
Great list. I couldn't agree more.
I'll add that we would REALLY like them to empty the garbage too. Don't add more stuff on top of an already full bag. Take the two seconds and empty it. And, if you empty it, put an empty bag in the garbage can.
Your website is wonderful I think that you ought to translate it to other languages.
Awesome! I loved the article! :))
I just found this via Facebook — it was a recommended status from you. Anyway, had to laugh my ass off about a 15-second back rub as foreplay. It’s only funny cause it’s true.
The foot thing is true too.
Yeah, so in a nutshell you don’t know what women want either. On that, we can build a bond.
[…] blog, funny writer, funny […]
[…] 25th, 2011 · No Comments · Uncategorized humorous stories, Humor blog, funny […]