I have recently become a member of the Humor Bloggers! Yeah, go check out the website there are tons of really funny bloggers over there. The first event I get to participate in is the Christmas Carnival and the worst and or funniest gift I have ever received.
Hands down the worst and funniest gift I have ever received was from my first ex husband. It was our first Christmas together as husband and wife, we had just gotten married two months earlier so I was still on a high from all the gifts we had been receiving for getting married. There were shower gifts and wedding gifts galore. I hadn’t gotten that many presents ever in my life and I really really liked it. Since it was our first Christmas together and we were broke my expectations were not so high that I was looking for diamonds or other sparkly, shiny things but I could still hope.
My husband was pretty secretive and left often after dinner to go Christmas shopping so I knew he was planning something pretty good. I’d like to say that I got him some wonderful item that he had always dreamed of having but I can’t remember for the life of me what I got him. Hey, it was eighteen years ago.
Christmas presents had long stopped being all that wonderful by that time. It had been years since I got the mother of all Christmas presents, the trifecta if you will of the Barbie Townhouse, an EZ Bake Oven and an AM Radio that was all mine, it even had a built in calender on it. That was a great Christmas. No, those days were long gone. I got books, which I loved and sweaters, which I also loved (because my grandmother made them for me) but I knew I would receive these items and the mystery and anticipation was gone.
I kept looking at the package which he had placed under the tree with my name on it. It was about the size of a shoe box but much heavier. I’d shake it but it made no sound or movement. Whatever was in there was packed well. I’d try and get him to give me little hints but he wouldn’t, he said I just had to wait until Christmas.
When the big day arrived I gave him my gift, whatever it was, and he loved it. He handed me my present with a huge smile on his face. I couldn’t wait to open it and I didn’t want to open it. The suspense was killing me but it was also wonderful.
I ripped open the paper and saw Sunbeam on the box. Surely he grabbed a box from the basement to wrap his wonderful gift. I became a little nervous when it was obvious that the box had never been opened before. I just sat there dumbfounded as my soon to be ex husband encouraged me to open the box and take a look at my new IRON.
He was so proud of himself. He told me he had racked his brains and realized that what I needed was a brand spanking new IRON so that I could better IRON his shirts. We divorced less than two years later.
Looking back I realize he gave me a truly wonderful gift. I have told this story numerous times and people are always amazed that he is still able to have children.
My second ex husband gets runner up for worst gift. It was actually the gift that wasn’t there. Again it was our first Christmas as a married couple and again we were broke (Note to self: marry up next time). We had decided that we would go easy on presents for each other. I bought him some Harley motorcycle boots and some chrome thing for his bike. He got me….nothing. He said he just didn’t have the money but would make it up to me later when things were better. He did manage to buy the dog a $50 spiked/studded collar. The dog is a big weanie and does not merit a leather studded collar. Maybe a pink collar with little cubic zirconia jewels on it but definitely not a collar for tough dogs. We divorced less than two years later as well.
Needless to say there was no holiday hankie panky on either of those Christmases.
My worst Christmas present ever was from my dear wife. It was one of those office gadgets, a pen that doubles as a screw driver, and had a built in spirit level. You couldn’t even write with the silly thing.
Humor bloggers looks fun. I see membership is by referral – care to refer me? I won’t feel offended if no.
Those were pretty terrible gifts. I totally understand the divorce post bad presents.
Husband #2 wins the prize for biggest jerk in that contest. Nothing??? But the dog gets a gift?
At least husband #1 tried, in a village-idiot all-about-me way.
OMG, you must have the same ex I have! What to choose from his gems? The CB radio (he immediately installed in his own vehicle) or the bathrobe that would qualify (all by itself) as birth control?
He is not missed.
Oh, man. How I wanted an Easy-Bake Oven. But I do remember my first AM radio. It was a stuffed white dog, with the radio in its belly.
I’m surprised it took 2 years to divorce Husband #1.
Worst gift: Maybe around 15 years ago? My husband gave me a used set of Microsoft Word disks. He had gotten them from a co-worker and wrapped them up just as they were, held together by a rubberband. And it was an outdated version. He also got me an electric can opener that was broken.
BUT! I hung in there, and he got much better. I don’t know what this Christmas will bring. I wouldn’t mind an Easy Bake Oven, actually.
JD at I Do Things
Welcome Humorblogger newbie. Glad to see you at my site today!! I stayed married for 30 years to a man who once gave me a card that said “To a dear friend across the way” He hadn’t even READ IT!!!!
Oh God, that’s horrific! And yes, marry up next time!
And welcome to HumorBloggers!
And talk about what the poor of Milan are getting this Christmas (howbeit by way of local hostels and shelters for the destitute)….
oh girlfriend those are baaaad!! the first ex should have been slugged with the iron and the next one should have worn that collar right on into the dog house!! (glad you ditched them both) 😀
Like Mulled Vine, I also want a referral. It can be your condolence prize for the shitty gift my husband will no doubt give me next year. Last year he gave me a mixer.
PS– I also won’t be offended if you don’t refer me.
I think those presents warranted something worse than divorce! Ugh!
About a month before each Christmas, I would hand my husband-at-the-time a list of what would be nice to give me in front of my family to avoid humilation. Never failed me!
LOL! The iron was classic! Who would have ever thought that you’ll get an iron for a christmas present.. As for the second one, I’m totally speechless… =
All I can say is that I was about as good at picking husbands as they were at picking gifts. I could even tell worse stories about the second one but frankly it is just too depressing.
Jen dear, I am so glad you did this. I have a new word for you. “Wasbund” I heard it on Dana’s blog and thought it was a great description for an ex. Loved your story!
An iron so you can iron his effing shirts better? Uh…..mine would have been wearing it out the back of his a**.