Dumb Shit I Do

The Holiday Letter I Would Like To Send

December 21, 2011
Santa ornament

I don’t send out holiday newsletters because after two divorces the only people I keep in contact with are my family and they should know what I’ve been up to, that they don’t clearly means they aren’t interested and I don’t want to force it down their throats. I’ve written this humorous holiday family newsletter for my readers and because I didn’t get to post about all this stuff this year. I meant to but it didn’t happen and now it was so long ago it seems silly to write about it.

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  • Reply cardiogirl December 22, 2011 at 3:57 am

    Bra.VO! This is hysterical. It’s a toss up for my favorite line:

    … the ex-husband is finally buying me an effin gift.

    Because there is no one in this house who shares the same last name it makes for a long address on the Christmas Card newsletter…

    … you could hear Dueling Banjos as they walked by.

    … remember I have that thing about teeth.”

    • Reply Nicky December 22, 2011 at 6:15 pm

      You forgot…
       
      ” Being divorced can be a great thing… monster moose balls (to take a phrase from my favorite Canadian)”

      Ok, yeah. Definitely the line about teeth! 🙂

  • Reply If I were God... December 23, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I’m sure you can still get laid if you really wanted to.  Doll yerself up and hit the local watering hole.  Look at it like draft day in the NFL, it doesn’t matter if you get taken in the first round, as long as you get picked you can still get to play, just lay it all out on the field and score a few times.  Look at Tom Brady, he wasn’t taken until the 6th round and now he’s banging Gisele Bundchen in their 30 million dollar home.  Now go put yer game face on!

  • Reply Ferd December 25, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    The BEST holiday newsletter I have ever read! LOL

    Jen, I just came by to wish you a Merry Christmas!
    🙂

  • Reply meleahrebeccah December 27, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Holy awesome holiday letter! BRAVO, Jen!

  • Reply StoriesAndSweetPotatoes December 27, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    I love it! Send that shit off for New Years 🙂

  • Reply Jayne December 27, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Here I am.  Late to the party again.   No guy cares about 20 lbs here or there.    I suspect that  if getting laid was all you wanted, “God” gave you some pretty good advice.  Don’t kids have sleepovers at their friends’ houses anymore?

    Let me just say that if I were gay and you were gay and we lived in the same town, I would totally do you.

    Happy New Year!   

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