Sex

Talk Dirty To Me

March 2, 2010
Barry White, 1991

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Do you talk dirty to your spouse, significant other or FWB (friend with benefits)? Is it something you both like to do or is one of you more into it?

I ask because when not expected it can throw the whole thing.

Years ago I was with this guy, a friend I had known for decades. A platonic friendship mainly because we were both always involved with other people. But there was an attraction. Anyway, we went out one night, both of us finally single and as luck would have it his kids and my kids were at the other ex-spouses’ for the weekend. That only happens when the stars align so we took advantage of the situation.

Things were going as well as can be expected for two people who had not been with anyone else except for a long time spouse. Okay, it was awkward and a little scary. We’d known each other since we were in our teens and now we were both in our 40s. A lot can change in those years and if you haven’t done the nasty on a regular basis you might worry you have forgotten a few things. Or worse there were new things developed and no one told you about them.

But we persevered.

And things seemed to be going well, at least from my perspective things were looking up, as they should.

And then bam! He started saying things that would make a hooker blush.

And that was it for me. I tried to be polite but the magic was gone and I couldn’t get it back.

He could sense something was wrong and tried to spark the flame again…

by talking even dirtier to me!

Ack!

What to do? I’m polite if nothing else, I couldn’t very well say “please stop using those horribly offensive words while we are trying to do this. It’s breaking my concentration and frankly it makes me think I had you pegged the wrong way all these years”.

See the thing was, this guy was about as mild mannered a guy as I have ever known. I had no idea that talking dirty was something that turned him on. We’d talked about sex many times during our friendship but he never let it slip that this was something he really liked. It never came up so it took my by surprise.

Had I known this about him I could have practiced before we got together. And I would have had to practice because talking dirty does not come naturally to me. It kind creeps me out. Not that there is anything wrong with it. If you like it and your partner likes it then by all means go for it. And not to say that I haven’t ever talked dirty. There are times when dirty talk are the only words that can be used. Usually used during phone sex when really being there isn’t possible and you have to get descriptive with your words.

I could have practiced but I would have cracked myself up too much to ever be convincing.

Him: Oh, baby, tell me what you want. (said in a slow sexy drawl)

Me: Oh, jeez i can’t do this.

Him: Just try baby, give it to me, you know I like it that way.

(I can’t even do it here)

Me: Okay….baby. Could I say something besides “baby” ?

Him: Sure, you can call me “daddy”. (again in the slow drawl kinda like Barry White, except he has a much higher pitched voice, especially when he is excited)

Me: Nope, I can’t call you daddy.

Him: Okay, call me “lover”.

Me: Nope that won’t work for me either. It reminds me of Love American Style or when my parents were trying to sound all hip and with it.

Him: Snookums?

Me: I’m outa here.

I can’t even do it in print let alone in real life.

Needless to say we are just friends again. Thankfully.

I am not a prude, I will try just about anything. And with the right guy I might have been able to learn how to talk dirty. But that first time is no time to jump into it. Give me a little notice, maybe a script and I can probably get with the program. Oh and lots of Vodka too, that would have helped immensely.

***

Day 2 of the low carb week.

Day 2 is not as bad as day 1 was. I am not hungry but I still want to have bread. The good thing is that my blood sugar isn’t spiking and crashing and that makes me feel much better and probably why yesterday was so hard. I don’t have a headache today so all in all it is going better than I expected it would. I am pretty sure I can make it through the week and probably beyond. I have lost 2 lbs since yesterday. All water I am sure but I’ll take it.

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47 Comments

  • Reply Comedy Plus March 2, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    I’m with you…this is a big turn off to me too. Yikes.

    Have a terrific day. 🙂
    .-= Comedy Plus´s last blog ..Tater People =-.

  • Reply Comedy Plus March 2, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Oh and after the third day of no carbs you will start to see the weight fall off. You will also not mind just eating just carbs either.

    Have a great day. 🙂
    .-= Comedy Plus´s last blog ..Tater People =-.

  • Reply Ian March 2, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    We talk dirty when in the sack, in the act. About as dirty and as filthy as you can imagine. It’s awesome! Other than that, nope. There’s a time and place and phone sex was like 20 yrs ago for either of us.
    .-= Ian´s last blog ..Triple post Tuesday (Milestones, Getting to Know You, and Rant) =-.

  • Reply Pricilla March 2, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    I am glad the no carb thing is getting better.

    As to the other topic I have only been with Luke the goat for so long I cannot remember my other boys.

    And Luke just sticks out his tongue, pounds his hoof and bellows.
    That’s my studmuffin!

    The publicist says she has been married for so long she does not remember her less than reckless youth and two other boyfriends.
    .-= Pricilla´s last blog ..Goatucation: Further Study of The Mountain Goat =-.

  • Reply meleah rebeccah March 2, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    OMG. I am not a prude either, but, I am NOT a fan of creepy Dirty Talk. Not even a little!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently – My Week In Review [Part Four] =-.

  • Reply meleah rebeccah March 2, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    PS: Congrats on DAY 2!!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently – My Week In Review [Part Four] =-.

  • Reply Metallman March 2, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Hey there Jen,

    We’ve dabbed in the dirty talk. My wife can be pretty reserved and does not like to hear “dirty” words, but there have been times where her inhibitions get the best of her and dirty words are spoken (via text or whispers in my ear). I’ll be honest, I think it can be quite a turn on. Especially when you see that she’s a reserved one and then to have that come out of her, it’s like, whoa. I love it! Later!
    .-= Metallman´s last blog ..I’m Heading to Phoenix =-.

  • Reply Holly March 2, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    That is sooo funny! I can’t talk dirty either. It all kind of creeps me out!
    .-= Holly´s last blog ..See the light? No? Lets make some! =-.

  • Reply Stephanie March 2, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    All I can do is laugh after reading that dirty talk! Yeah, not my thing either!
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Dislocations? =-.

  • Reply Lola March 2, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Oh girl! You got to get you some skills!

    Ex and I used to talk dirty. As a tease when sex wasn’t possible, during.

    Now in the dating world you kind of have to tread lightly. Flirt, use humor, see if that’s what they’re into. I’m rusty with that. I need to get me some flirting skills.

    Maybe you can tutor me in flirting skills, and I can offer you tips in other realm. I really need some flirting skills. HELP! First tip: One thing that is a good practice, if you don’t want to try it cold on someone you really like, is to go in the chat rooms. Seriously. You can try it out, get comfortable with it and then when the opportunity makes itself available in person, you’ll be more prepared.
    .-= Lola´s last blog ..Wax on…wax off… =-.

  • Reply Jen March 2, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Sandee: I’m glad to know I’m not the only one.

    Ian: Was this something you worked up to or did you both always like it?

    Pricilla: Sticking out his tongue, bellowing and stomping his hooves sounds pretty dirty to me.

    Meleah: It is creepy. Of course it might have been the guy. If Brad Pitt wants to talk dirty to me, or George Clooney, I’m sure it wouldn’t be creepy at all.

    Metallman: I swear all the time, and I use some really colorful language. When cooking food I can talk really dirty. I’m great with the double entendres but when doing it for real I get all shy. I could probably do it much more easily via text or IM, but that might be really silly to expect a guy to use his cell phone when we have sex.

    Holly: You and me both.

    Stephanie: See, I would laugh and I am sure he would think I was laughing about something else. I learned a long time ago never to laugh before or during sex, only after.

    Lola: But I don’t want to learn how to talk dirty. I’m pretty sure, after this experience, that I don’t want to date someone who likes to talk dirty.
    I don’t know if I can help you flirt. Have a couple shots of something, that usually helps.

  • Reply AmyLK March 2, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    OMG! It was like you were describing my first experience with my FWB. That is not something I can do when I am trying my best to impress and worrying that I have forgotten how to do THAT. lol
    .-= AmyLK´s last blog ..I Got Nothin’ =-.

  • Reply mrsblogalot March 2, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Color me prude. I couldn’t talk dirty if you paid me. Well, if you paid me then I’d be a hooker and then I’d have to talk dirty because well… you paid me.

    I’ll stick with prude.
    .-= mrsblogalot´s last blog ..An Empty Cage Never Gets Dirty =-.

  • Reply Linda Medrano March 2, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    Jen, this is really interesting to me. I have no problem at all “talking dirty” to the man I’m with if it turns him on. And I like it fine when he does it too. What I cannot do is write anything smutty!

    I had a friend when I was in my early 20’s who supplemented his income with letters to Penthouse Magazine. (Yes, my friend was a guy, but he wrote as if he was a highly sexed woman.) Since he knew I was struggling to support my kids, he recommended that I do some of these letters too and submit them. Apparently, they paid pretty well for every line of “I am a horny 27 year old nurse” type letters. Okay, it sounded pretty harmless and so I sat down, pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard actually). I found that I could do the first line only! “I am a 22 year old virgin with very large breasts.” and then I froze! I could no more write anything even vaguely pornographic than I could fly. It simply could not be done. I couldn’t even do it when I had no intention of mailing it to anyone. Even today, I cannot write “dirty”. I can write “funny and dirty”. My favorite porn movie is, say, “Teenage enema nurses in bondage”. (Yeah, I made that up, no problem.) Just don’t ever ask me to go into detail because I cannot!
    .-= Linda Medrano´s last blog ..The HFMB Award =-.

  • Reply Linda Medrano March 2, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Also, I’m so proud of you on the low carbs thing! You’ll get there! Wow! I may have to try this myself.
    .-= Linda Medrano´s last blog ..The HFMB Award =-.

  • Reply waltsense March 2, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    Hey Jenn -love the new look and feel BTW. SPeaking of looking and feeling, my poor man was maybe looking for that. Sometimes guys use dirty words (alongwith the act) to come to completion (no pun intended). But a few things have to be established – it’s either a random dirty girl one night stand event or a GF/WIFE, etc. He was a little off on the timing for you as he should of waited a few times to ease that in. Also – my man probably watches a lot of porn as many single 20-40 guys do. So, that can lead to fantasy world in the real world …and we all know how that works out.

    Your the best!
    KD

  • Reply MikeWJ at TooManyMornings March 2, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    Wow. Thanks for the insight into your private life. Dirty talk’s OK with me, I guess, but it’s not really my thing. Or my wife’s.

    Spanking, whips and rubber, sure. But not dirty talk, because we have standards.

    Just kidding.

    Really, I am.

    Anyway, if anybody needs a “dirty talk” script like Jen mentioned, I’m an unemployed writer and would be glad to cobble one together for you for a small fee. Just let me know if there are any words that are too taboo, and I’ll be sure to use them more often than the others. 😉
    .-= MikeWJ at TooManyMornings´s last blog ..Solid Potato Salad — The Ross Sisters =-.

  • Reply injaynesworld March 2, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Congrats on the carb thing. Pretty soon is won’t be a big deal at all. Then you’ll be able to have a slice of bread now and then.

    As for the dirty talk. It always made me laugh out loud. As you can imagine, that didn’t go over too well.
    .-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld we’re always "Up For A Party…" =-.

  • Reply Katherine March 2, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    You could have been in the room with me, way back when. Oh thank HEAVENS you weren’t, that just gave me the creeps.

    So I’m with this guy I knew all year. He is a DJ – sexy voice kinda guy. We have a romantic, quite expensive dinner. We go back to his place and the nasty begins. Things are progressing pretty well until I hear in my ear…. “Oh baby you KNOW you like it. Talk to me. Tell me how you like it.” OK, so WHY do they say baby? And talk to me?! Excuse me – women need to get in the zone. You do NOT enter the zone. The phone rings? The dog jumps on the bed? You ask someone to make up phone sex live? The zone is broken.

    All I can say is EW. I was FREAKED OUT. And you know what? He asked me and asked me and I wouldn’t do it. And he never EVER got the clue. To this day, I’m sure he thought it was ONE GOOD TIME. I just closed my eyes and thought of the queen. Oh Your MAJESTY, I love it when you TOUCH ME LIKE THAT!

    (Okay, you won’t get that, cause you are Jen and you never get it when i say things without spelling them out.)
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..Mom Distributes Drugs While Delivering Girl Scout Cookies =-.

  • Reply Jen March 2, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    Amy: It shouldn’t happen on the first time. Period.

    Mrsblogalot: It depends on how the payment is made. If it’s off the street then no, I’ll go with prude. However if a boyfriend or husband wanted to try it and decided to give me a little motivation with new shoes or possibly a Mercedes I think I could figure it out fast.

    Linda: I had no trouble writing those kinds of letters to ex#2 because I was that horny 22 year old virgin (30 ish not so much a virgin but whose counting?) I was motivated to see how far I could go before he freaked out. I was on a mission. Ex#1 would have appreciated them more but I was never motivated to send anything like that to him. Go figure. However, writing them to an invisible audience I would have frozen too.

    KD: he wasn’t anywhere near completion when he started spewing those words. But I know guys are different than women. It reminds me of that Cheers episode where Sam and the Kirsty Ally character were trying to make a baby and he talked all loving to her and she talked raunchy. It didn’t work.

    Mike: Penthouse forum apparently needs writers. Talk to Linda.

    Jayne: Yep, laughing while doing the nasty with a guy is forbidden. Fragile egos and all.

    Katherine: You are so right. Please spell it out. Are you a lesbian? I didn’t think “Katherine” was a lesbian name?

  • Reply peedee March 2, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    I want to make sure I understand something Jen….you dont talk or laugh or anything when doing the dirty?? Or are you only talking about dirty words?

    I really feel stupid writing this. I’m not a chatty Kathy doll or anything but talk whether dirty or not, direction, lauging (c’mon, sex is funny sometimes, just think of the act itself) is common in my bed. It really depends on the moment as far as the really dirty talk goes. But I’ve been known to go there.
    .-= peedee´s last blog ..Countdown =-.

  • Reply Parenting ad absurdum March 2, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Snrrrffff…! No, can’t do the dirty talk. It just makes me feel silly, rather than dirty. I’ve tried, but I just can’t take it seriously, and nothing kills the mood like stifled, snorty laughing… I’m partial to the strong, silent type!

    Peryl (MBC)
    .-= Parenting ad absurdum´s last blog ..The (somewhat questionable) wisdom of children =-.

  • Reply Jen March 2, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    Peedee: Of course I talk, I can’t shut up about anything. But I can’t talk dirty, especially when someone wants me to. I can if it is organic but when prompted or prodded (pun intended) I just get the giggles, or in the case of a new partner, I clam up. If I’m with someone I know and trust and have been with many times it’s a different ball game. Sex is very funny.

    Peryl: That’s it! I feel silly. And sex is silly enough worrying about making the right moves, looking good, not making that face, queefing (that is the worst! but funny) Too many things to think about when with a new person.

    Oh, I have one even worse. If you aren’t prepared for a guy who wants a prostate exam it can be a little off putting.

  • Reply peedee March 2, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    LMAO!!!! The prostate exam. OMG. The first time I was asked I was like, “you want me to do WHAT?!? Really??” Now that was a laugh.
    .-= peedee´s last blog ..Countdown =-.

  • Reply Jen March 2, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    Peedee: Me too!!!! I’m pretty accommodating but he wasn’t offering me a finger cot so I passed. We didn’t go out much after that. Different guy by the way.

  • Reply Jen March 2, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    OMG you have been asked more than once? Now I quiz guys before it gets that far.

  • Reply Janiss March 3, 2010 at 12:34 am

    For me, dirty words are for cursing! If someone tried to use them in lovemaking, I’d have a hard time not laughing. Sorry, it just sounds fake to me. And besides, for me, talking dirty is just not about affection and romance. ‘Cause even if I’ve pulled a guy’s pants down in a laundry room at 3 a.m. or snuck into a film editing room with the director (both true stories from my past), it’s all about being with someone you like, or more than like. And you don’t demean someone you like. Dirty words are… dirty to me. But that’s just the way I roll.
    .-= Janiss´s last blog ..Taxation Without Representation =-.

  • Reply Sheila Sultani March 3, 2010 at 3:13 am

    Oh God – I was squirming in embarrassment for you. I think you really need to know someone well and work yourself up to being a real ho. First time – HELL NO – Doesn’t even matter if you’ve done it a thousand times before, NEVER the first time (unless they pay you enough).
    .-= Sheila Sultani´s last blog ..Godhatesfags.com – What A Bunch of Dumbass Morons!!! =-.

  • Reply Robyn March 3, 2010 at 5:53 am

    Ha haha! You’re very talented.

    The “conversation” captured that painfully uncomfortable, awkward feeling perfectly. It was hard to read – I found myself making a stupid half laugh I make in real life in those “I don’t know what to say situations”

    I think if it’s got any chance of working for you – it can’t be on your first encounter… there’s enough going on with all the newness.

  • Reply Robyn March 3, 2010 at 5:59 am

    Duh, I got so distracted by the prostate exam comments I didn’t read Sheila’s.

    What she said!
    .-= Robyn´s last blog ..Make Your Own Play Doh – Tight Art Tuesday =-.

  • Reply Zoology, Biology generally Science City | Zoography Science Applied March 3, 2010 at 6:32 am

    […] Talk Dirty To Me | Redhead Ranting […]

  • Reply Anne March 3, 2010 at 8:38 am

    I can’t imagine talking dirty, it just isn’t my style. I used to have a potty mouth, but that is different. Maybe you should take Lola up on her offer and start practicing.
    .-= Anne´s last blog ..Zumba and the Septic Muck =-.

  • Reply Jenera March 3, 2010 at 9:58 am

    We use a bit of dirty talk but not to the level of porno dirty talk. We tried phone sex and in that situation, I couldn’t stop laughing because I sound ridiculous. but I do think it has a purpose at certain times.
    .-= Jenera´s last blog ..When They Come Running =-.

  • Reply Jen March 3, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Janiss: You are a tiger! I don’t think of talking dirty as demeaning if both partners enjoy it. If one gets off by belittling the other that’s called abuse or S&M. Even though I can’t do dirty talk, and have no desire to do it I also suffer from the flip side of it. I can’t use the words love making or “let’s make love” without breaking out in laughter too. Ex#2 used to say that and it always made me giggle coming from him. He wasn’t the most sensitive guy and those words sounded funny coming from him. Yes, I know I have all kinds of issues.

    Sheila: Right on!

    Robyn: Ditto

    Robyn: I didn’t understand your email this morning about deleting comments, I thought you were talking about spammers or freaks. Now I see you were talking about you. No, I won’t delete it. It just proves that I am not the only one who does it. Sorry.

    Anne: But I don’t want to learn how to do it. At least not that way. If a really rich and attractive guy wants to help me learn that is entirely different.

    Jenera: I think if it is forced and not organic it just makes everyone laugh. By forced I mean someone suggests doing it and you try to force yourself to come up with something to say. I get dirty talk block.

  • Reply steve who March 3, 2010 at 11:20 am

    yes i talk dirty to my wife every day. i tell her to get F’d often.

  • Reply Jen March 3, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Steve: Are you one of my ex husbands?

  • Reply Buggys March 3, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Jen, this is the best post I’ve read in ages! I love it. And I’m so glad to know that I am not far out of the norm. NO way could I talk “dirty” during sex without laughing myself silly! I just don’t even know how? What would I say (of course, like you, baby…baby, etc.)
    I am known to use very colorful language in many situations but in bed is not one of the situations.
    And during the first time? Is he nuts?
    I do agree that if there is sparkly jewelry or a mercedes on the line then I could work something out….
    Again I say, No Carbs? You are Wonder Woman!
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Friends =-.

  • Reply meleah rebeccah March 3, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    “Of course it might have been the guy. If Brad Pitt wants to talk dirty to me, or George Clooney, I’m sure it wouldn’t be creepy at all.”

    True.

    If Alec Baldwin wanted to talk that way to me, Id be just FINE with it!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..My Favorite Blog Post(s) And My Favorite Photo(s) =-.

  • Reply Man Over Board March 3, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    OH lord. I had coffee come out my nose while reading this. Too fucking funny. How descriptive you are and I can just see it in my mind. God you need to get your own TV sit com. Totally the reason why I come here and enjoy it sooo much. Great job, this ain’t no mommy blog!!!!!!
    .-= Man Over Board´s last blog ..Top American Celebs Doing Foreign Commercials =-.

  • Reply Dorothy Rosby March 4, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    I’d definitely start laughing and that would spoil the mood. Then I might look for cameras–that would really spoil the mood.

  • Reply Project Savior March 5, 2010 at 8:22 am

    Dirty talk and role-play are tough for some, but for this guy it’s tougher than most. (This actually is cleanish and funny)
    http://www.bloodninja.org/view.php?id=1
    .-= Project Savior´s last blog ..Writing Wednesday: Hard Science Fiction vs. Fantasy =-.

  • Reply Kelly May 3, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Hahaha! I can't do the dirty talking either. I become like a giggly 12-year old, it just sounds so insane. Really? Is that how you like it? Tee-hee. WHat can I say? I'm immature in this way. I couldn't write it out either.
    Great post!

    • Reply redheadranting May 3, 2010 at 8:41 pm

      Thanks, it is off putting isn't it? How silly the whole thing is. I mean sex
      is silly in a way but talking dirty if you aren't into it just isn't right.

  • Reply Jaysey May 3, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    I can talk dirty–no problem–but NOT the first time. You need some “get to know each other sexually” time before you can jump in with the dirty talk. 😉

    • Reply redheadranting May 3, 2010 at 8:47 pm

      But if you haven't done it before is it something you discuss before you
      have sex? Like while driving to the grocery store or something?

  • Reply shakeib1357 June 19, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    Whats ur phone no?

  • Reply MLSWIM July 6, 2010 at 3:14 am

    LMAO!!!! That was just tooooooooooooooo FUNNY! Thanks so much….I really needed a good belly roll tonight! Why IS IT that men always want us to call them DADDY???? My reaction was the same as yours…I don't think so!!!

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