Advice WTF?

Size Matters But A Huge Teddy Bear Will Not Get You Laid

February 3, 2013
Size Matters But A Huge Teddy Bear Will Not Get You Laid

Happy Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of year again. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and the people at the Vermont Teddy Bear Co have come up with another brilliant ad campaign. It’s called Size Matters and the idea is if you buy your sweetheart a huge teddy bear you will get some.

Of course to cover all bases the hapless men are encouraged to pair the Hunka Love Bear with the Hoodie Footie, a product by their sister company Pajamagram.

Size Matters But A Huge Teddy Bear Will Not Get You Laid

Now maybe I’m old and out of touch with what 20 something vapid blonds want, but if a man brought me a 4 1/2 foot bear for Valentine’s Day, or any other holiday, he would not be rewarded with sex – in fact I would have to end it.

Where the hell do you put a stuffed bear that big? It’s not like you can put it on your bed or in the book shelf. A 4 1/2 foot bear needs its own room and most 20 something don’t have the extra space.

Let me tell you something boys, size does matter – but not with teddy bears. If you want to get laid get go ahead and get her a huge ass bear or better yet get her chocolate and take her out to eat at a nice restaurant and then listen to what she has to say.

Really listen.

Tell her she looks beautiful, and then fix something for her. I guarantee you will get some.

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  • Oh, my! This is hysterical!! Took our kids to the VTB factory a couple of times when they were little. They must be marketing to a different crowd now…

    • I thought the same thing and then wondered if I hadn’t mis remembered the name of the VTB co. Nope, they just changed marketing tactics. 

  • I was a little dismayed when Alex brought me home a bear for Valentines day a couple of years ago.  I gave it to my pit bull, Zoe, and she ate it.  Perhaps he’ll never give me a teddy bear again.

    • I wouldn’t be upset about a Teddy Bear as long as it came with chocolate. I would be pissed if I had to rent a room to store the damn thing. 

  • You’ve done guys a good service here, Jen.   I can just see some poor dufus showing up on his girl’s doorstep with one of those things thinking he’d done good.  

    • It only has to happen once. After that they usually get the message. 

  • cmk

    At least the Build-a-Bear offerings are of an acceptable size.  😉

  • Holy crap, a four-and-a-half foot bear? That is the stuff that horror films are made of…

  • Man that thing would need to wear a seatbelt on the car ride over.

  • Never have understood the teddy bear fixation with some women. The minute the kids head off to college, the house turns into a shrine to Paddington. I can tell you one thing…if someone gave me a four-and-a-half foot bear, I wouldn’t be offering up anything.

    • There is house not too far from mine with teddy bears in all the front windows of the house. Upstairs and downstairs and it’s a huge house. No kids living there. 

  • If it was a Stitch toy (Lilo and Stitch) I would not mind. I actually have a small collection of them because I like the character… and ONLY that character. Otherwise stuffed animals are meh at best. Flowers, ok. Chocolates, you’re getting warmer. Out to a nice restaurant or something romantic, yay, you win!

    When I was a kid maybe a bear that size would appeal to me “Mommy!!!! It’s bigger then me!!!!!”. Now though? Uhhhhh, where am I going to put it, and we are not having sex while the demon bear stares at me!


  • Small Town Mommy

    I have no idea what I would do with a 4 1/2 foot bear. I think my kids would like it but they are a little young to be romantically involved.

  • tina

    i actually hinted at my boyfriend for me to get it and he did! And i love it! And i call my boyfriend my snuggle bear so its perfect. Plus i can sleep with it when he’s deployed this summer 🙂