Dumb Shit I Do Kids Pets

My Daughter is Going To Be a Crack Addict and it Will Be All My Fault

January 31, 2011
Flemish Giant, Jack the Bunny

Bunnies poop a lot, rabbit poo, rabbit pills, Flemish giant poo

As a single mother I worry about my kids and how they are going to turn out because they don’t have a dad around 24/7 to keep them on the straight and narrow. I can be a bit of a pushover at times and sometimes I let them do things that aren’t always the best for them because it is just easier for me to say ‘yes’.

I don’t want to have to put up with the screaming and crying and temper tantrums. Besides, if they start crying and whining after five that can totally ruin my buzz and we don’t want that to happen.

It looks like my son might be turning out alright. In spite of everything (growing up in a single parent home, having his dad walk out on us and his step dad walk out) he seems to be doing okay. Even if he isn’t I only have two weeks left and then if he does something stupid it’s his problem. Which really means if he does something illegal he goes to jail and not me because he is going to be 18.


The daughter has a long way to go before she is considered legal so I still have to make sure she does the right thing so I don’t have to go jail if she does something wrong.

Not that she does anything illegal yet but it could happen.

She has informed me that if I go through with my decision she will become a crack addict.

What decision is that, you ask?

I’ll tell you.

Last week we got a bunny. Actually my son got the bunny but ever since he brought it home I have been the one doing all the bunny work.

Bunnies poop a lot. Bunnies also chew on things (like the phone cords) and they poop a lot.

We got the bunny on Sunday of last week and by Thursday I had decided that it had to go. I can’t even call him by his name, which is Jack, because that personalizes him too much and already I am working against the cute card he keeps playing. And I am losing.

Jack is cute. But that is all he is. His cuteness goes far, don’t get me wrong, but he doesn’t do anything else besides being cute. The dog, as dumb as he is, barks when the evil mailman comes and whenever any of those liberals show up during election season trying to get me to switch teams. The cat, who keeps me awake all fucking night long for reasons only she understands, kills mice in the garage. She also kills rabbits and the mutherfucking squirrels who dig holes all over my front and back yard. They both serve a purpose and justify the expense they both incur such as food, treats, toys and doctor bills.

The bunny serves no purpose whatsoever except to look cute.

Worse, the bunny is like a slot machine and every one is a winner. You don’t even have to pull the handle, poop just always comes out. Sometimes it’s one and sometimes it’s 20 but you always pull a winner.

So I have been floating around the idea that maybe we should take the bunny back to the farm (they will take him!!!). This idea has not been met with any kind of enthusiasm from my daughter. At all.

I’ve even offered up a new kitten in exchange for the bunny.

Now let me just say here that I like the bunny. Jack is cute, Jack is very friendly and watching him chase after the cat so she leaps up five feet in the air in one fell swoop almost makes me want to keep him around. The cat is a bitch and she deserves to be picked on. Jack eats the veggies that the daughter refuses to eat (and that the dog doesn’t particularly care for but will eat if he has to but then he gets all kinds of gas and that isn’t good) but whatever goes in comes right out so I spend a good part of my day chasing after him with a broom and dust pan because, call me silly, but I don’t like little bunny poo all over my house.

So the daughter doesn’t want the bunny to go away. In fact she has informed me that having Jack here has helped her in life and if we got rid of him her life would be really bad.

“How does having the bunny help your life?” I asked

“Because we have Jack I write stories about him in school and I draw pictures of him. Because I am writing about him I am practicing my writing and will get better grades. If I get better grades I will get in to a better college and if I go to a good college I will get a better job and my life will be better because we had the bunny”.

I’m not making any of that up.

Which means, if you follow her logic, that she will no longer write about the bunny if we get rid of him. She will no longer draw pictures of him which means she will not get good grades (even though she isn’t even getting grades in 2nd grade) and because she will have bad grades she will have to go to community college if she is lucky. She will not be able to get a good job and thus will take up both the crack pipe and the stripper pole.

I guess we have to keep the bunny.

Hat tip to MsDarkstar for sending the image of the bunny with all the poo. Sadly the bunny poos a lot more than that.

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No Comments

  • Reply Comedy Plus January 31, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    I think she should be responsible for cleaning up the poop when she gets home until bedtime. Every. Single. Day and then she can keep the bunny. That’s my two cents.

    Have a terrific day. 🙂

    • Reply redheadranting February 1, 2011 at 1:19 pm

      She is trying to do just that but it isn’t her bunny, it’s her brother’s. And the problem with that is that she is in school for 6 hours and that is a long time.

  • Reply Pricilla January 31, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    If the bunny poops while running does it look like a salad shooter?
    I have been told that mine does….

    Maybe the bunny could “run away from home” and then you would not have to take the blame.

    • Reply JunkDrawer February 1, 2011 at 10:17 am

      OMG, Pricilla. Salad shooter! Dying here.

    • Reply redheadranting February 1, 2011 at 1:10 pm

      It’s more like a sideways gumball machine and once he gets going the poo flies everywhere.

  • Reply Madge January 31, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    Do they make depends for bunnies? they make them for dogs? Well, not depends exactly but they’re puppy cloth diapers that you can stick a maxi pad to and they have a place for the tail. I’d hate to have your daughter pick up the pipe and the pole.
    Also, not sure if it’s on an eating schedule, but that might help to time the poop episodes. Does it pee constantly like a rat too?

    • Reply redheadranting February 1, 2011 at 1:18 pm

      My daughter suggested this last night but I don’t want to be the one fashioning diapers for rabbits. When my kids finished the diaper stage I swore I would never buy another diaper again. I know I need to be flexible and go with the flow but I don’t want to buy diapers for a bunny.

      • Reply Madge February 1, 2011 at 5:21 pm

        Yeah, and since he’s box trained for pee, it would be like potty training a toddler, you’d have to take them off when he’s doing to pee pee dance. Too much work.

        Just found this, but I’m sure you’ve found it too.
        Hi, my bunny is fully house trained and took around two weeks to do so. However she was baby when i did this, so it may take longer as your rabbit already has its own habits. The easiest way to tell when a bunny is going to do its business is when they lift their tail and lean slightly back. It does take patience and constant observation to catch them before it happens. When you see the bunny lifting their tail pick them up, put them on the litter tray and tell them ‘potty here’ or something to that effect. If your bunny has a particular spot they always seem to go you may need to start with the litter tray in that area and then move it half a meter to a meter each day until the litter tray is in the area you want. You may find that your rabbit will either eat the litter or flick it as they try to dig holes, starting with newspaper may be best/cleanest, remember to change daily. Always encourage them with words of affirmation so they know they have done well, as they learn thru emotion in your voice. Remember it will take patience but it does work

  • Reply Anne February 1, 2011 at 12:15 am

    I’m thinking keep the bunny but find someplace to confine him so you don’t have to chase him with a dustpan. I have heard of bunnies being catbox trained. Jack is earning his keep by keeping the cat on her toes. Maybe if he makes her jump enough during the day, she will sleep at night.

    • Reply redheadranting February 1, 2011 at 1:17 pm

      Actually he is litter box trained for the pee, and that is a blessing. He just wants to be a house bunny like the house cat and house dog. He really wants to sit on the couch with everyone else but he poos when he isn’t thinking about it and that just grosses me out. If he could control his little poos I would be much more inclined to let him sit on the couch with everyone else.

  • Reply Julia DeGraf February 1, 2011 at 12:47 am

    Your daughter’s extrapolation skills scare the hell out of me.

    • Reply redheadranting February 1, 2011 at 1:09 pm

      Me too. And if that doesn’t work she cries so basically I’m screwed.

  • Reply meleahrebeccah February 1, 2011 at 6:10 am

    Im seriously impressed with your daughters argument!

    • Reply redheadranting February 1, 2011 at 1:15 pm

      I know, she gets points for that and I am a little scared.

  • Reply Marie Andriessen Cooper February 1, 2011 at 8:28 am

    I have bad news. Even if you keep the bunny, even if you keep the bunny and gold plate his little turds, even if you allow the gold plated little turds to appreciate in value and pay for her college education, you STILL will do something horribly wrong that will be thrown in your face at, say, Christmas dinner in 15 years.

    Sorry. It is the nature of parenting. You will be responsible for every bad thing that ever happened on earth, from Cain and Able to this week’s snow storm.

    So the best thing to do is not to worry about it and do what is right for you, because you’re going to get rabbit turds for it anyway. 😀

    • Reply redheadranting February 1, 2011 at 1:15 pm

      This is the best advice I have ever been given as a parent. You are so right. I wish the bunny pooped out gold plated turds, he’d be worth keeping then.

  • Reply Shawn February 1, 2011 at 11:32 am

    I don’t have pets. I have three plants in my house. That’s about all I can handle.

  • Reply Rachele February 1, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    The bunny defintiely need a hutch or something. I like the idea of daughter cleaning up after bunny. Oh wait. Isn’t it the son’s bunny. At 17 he may want to get on that. Tell him to clean up after it or it will go away that way it will be HIS fault.

    I know. I’m somewhat of a pushover too.

    My 2nd grader does get letter grades. I don’t remember getting them in grade school.

    • Reply redheadranting February 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

      Yes, it is the son’s bunny but he has decided he doesn’t really want the bunny, or at least he doesn’t want to take the time to clean up after it and to play with it. The daughter is a casualty of war in this mess.

      • Reply Madge February 1, 2011 at 5:16 pm

        Colateral Bunny Damage…. so sad.

  • Reply Ferd February 1, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    HA!! Your daughter and the Bunny have a lot in common. They’re both full of shit! LOL

    She sure is playing up all that Bunny significance stuff. I think I’d have to say, “Hey, it’s not my bunny and I don’t like cleaning up after it. If you like it all that much, then YOU clean up after it. And if you don’t, it’s back to the bunny farm.” BTW, it’s great you have a place to take it back to. It’s a worse bummer to have a bunny and no way to get rid of it. And you always get rid of bunnies at some point!

    • Reply redheadranting February 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

      Good one Ferd! Yes, they are full of shit!

      I dreamed about taking the bunny back last night except I had to ride my bicycle to do it. The farm is 80 miles away and there is a lot of snow on the ground. A bike wouldn’t work and that makes me think this is going to be a difficult trip. My daughter wants to clean up after the bunny, and she spent a good part of yesterday doing just that. It was her brother who brought the bunny home and who promised me he would take care of it. He is fine with returning the bunny it is the daughter who doesn’t want to.

  • Reply Holly1018 February 1, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    Wow, she does have good logic. I would give her a week. Say, SHE is in total charge of the bunny and if you have to do anything to take care of the thing when she is around, the bunny goes back.

  • Reply Anonymous February 1, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Are you dissin’ strippers and crack ho’s here? ‘Cause that don’t seem too nice of you. They’re people, too.

    Oh, and I have a one-word solution for your problem: Dinner.

  • Reply babs (beetle) February 1, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    OK, you just have to be the mum here. Mum is in charge right? You have to tell her that you will cage him up all day (because of the poo), and that it isn’t fair on the bunny. If she really cares for Jack, she will let him go somewhere where he can be free. You’re doing it for Jack. Tell her it would be selfish to insist on keeping him etc. That should do the trick. Instead of her making you feel guilty, you will make her feel guilty for insisting you keep him. She will do it for Jack 🙂

  • Reply Anonymous February 2, 2011 at 2:25 am

    Well, you gotta give her points for creativity! Might a suggest…a cage? Just sayin – it keeps the bunny poops out of the shoes. Yes, I’ve had a bunny. They’re poops manage to get EVERYwhere.
    I know what you mean about counting the days till they’re 18 but hoping you taught them well so they don’t screw up! My daughter will be 18 in 4 months. It’s both terrifying and liberating.

  • Reply Mike February 2, 2011 at 3:20 am

    Cats are super smart and super manipulative. Bunnies are idiots. They don’t even realize that they’re cute.

    • Reply redheadranting February 2, 2011 at 3:23 pm

      I disagree, I know they know they are cute. And, even if they aren’t cute, which they all totally are, they act cute, they do cute things, the twitch their little noses and hop around like a bunny and well, everything they do is cute. It’s in the rule book, they don’t have a choice.

  • Reply Libbybuttons February 2, 2011 at 5:51 am

    yeah you gotta keep the bunny…because I kept my two. If you garden then those are gold nuggets Jacks poppin out. Get a special bunny crate at Tractor Supply that lets the nuggets fall thru into a turd tray. Og course whe Jacks hoppin and trottin’ thru the house you must hold said future crack addicts of America to hand pick the nuggets as part of their life lesson in responsibility. That will also give them deeper subject matter to write about in school. Good luck mom and if it’s any consolation : when my son was young his allergies were so bad that bunnies were all we could have. I was a single mom in an apartment working 12 hour shifts in ICU with a flat full of rabbit shit and my son turned out primo!!! He’s 25 now and an outstanding man. I drug that kid thru 2 failed marriages and oddly enough he seems to be a better person for it. Hang in there.

  • Reply Margaret (nannygoats) February 2, 2011 at 7:42 am

    Does your bunny make any noise at all? I mean besides when it poops. It probably doesn’t even make noise then, does it? Bunny farts probably don’t even make noise either, come to think of it. Is it really going to grow to be as big as a pony?

  • Reply mrsblogalot February 2, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    She’s got some skill there. Gotta give her that…and the bunny. You must keep that bunny!

    You don’t want to take any chances.

    No matter how much those pole dancers are making these days.

  • Reply mrsblogalot February 2, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    She’s got some skill there. Gotta give her that…and the bunny. You must keep that bunny!

    You don’t want to take any chances.

    No matter how much those pole dancers are making these days.

  • Reply Katherine Murray February 6, 2011 at 5:52 am

    Your daughter might be OK if you get rid of the bunny… because then she will start to write stories about ways she can kill her mother. And she will draw pictures of it. Then her grades might stay where they are. Unless the school district steps in. Then she might end up on crack with a stripper pole. Yup, better keep the bunny!

  • Reply Biddy Bytes February 6, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    “A single parent walks a lonely road…If she reaps success and her children are productive members of society, no one thinks twice about how that happened. But if her children fail, she alone is held accountable (even if that isn’t fair).” Ah, yes, the plight of the single parent…Please see my post at http://www.biddybytes.com–http://biddybytes.com/?p=4133

  • Reply Biddy Bytes February 7, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    I’m going to try this again (because I muffed the link before). From http://www.biddybytes.com. “Plight of the Single Mom” demonstrates how a single parent faces a lonely road: If she reaps success and her children are productive members of society, no one thinks twice how that happened. But if these children fail, she alone is held accountable (even if it’s not fair.) I include the correct link: http://biddybytes.com/?p=4133

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