Things that piss me off

It's Time for Racial Profiling

January 5, 2010

There, I said it. It is time we practiced racial profiling, at least on our airplanes.

The recent underwear bombing attempt on Christmas day has made me change my mind on the subject of racial profiling.

Actually I haven’t changed my mind I just remained silent about it.

Not anymore.

The guys name is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab for cryin’ out loud.

That should be a red flag as far as I am concerned. If you can’t pronounce someone’s name then a full body cavity search needs to be implemented.

Of course this profiling by name would have excluded Richard Reid, the shoe bomber, but he looked like this:

images

If that face doesn’t scream troublemaker I don’t know what would.

I realize that profiling by name or religion might piss a lot of people off. More people would be searched, causing longer wait times at the airport. The government has decided that they will look at where a passenger is coming from and going to to decide if they should be screened a little more thoroughly. Because we all know that terrorists all come from the middle east and are all going to… anyplace in the US. This is a sound plan of operation and our government should pat itself on the back for this brilliant thinking.

If our terrorists were of Swedish descent the airport screeners should check everyone named Sven and Bjorn with a full body search. If terrorists were Polish then by all means search guys with names like Fabian Budzinski.

Of course every person with a middle eastern sounding name or Muslim name will get upset that they are being targeted. The argument being that not all middle eastern or Muslim people want to hurt Americans, or other democratic nations for that matter.  They would be right of course. Not all Muslims want to blow up buildings or planes. Not all middle easterners want to stop the American way of life.

But a lot of them do.

For all non terrorists with terrorist sounding names they have a few choices. Change their name to Sven Olsen, don’t travel to the US or suck it up and get searched.

But it’s not fair!

It’s not. Tough.

According to Wikipedia Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab had left quite a trail of red flags in his wake. So many that his father alerted the CIA to his son. And yet he was still able to board a plane with a load in his underpants with enough explosives to take down an airliner filled with passengers on one of our biggest religious holidays.

He was on a watch list. He should have never gotten on the plane. The airlines and the governments involved should be ashamed of themselves.

Apparently Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab understood that no airline is going to grab at his crotch and feel around to make sure he is only packing his own junk. Which means until we have full body x-rays, where they don’t block out the genitals and breasts of passengers, or full body cavity searches, our airlines are not safe to fly.

Another interesting fact, and one that ought to be utilized in the war on terror, is that for several years Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was posting online about his sexual frustrations:

“As i get lonely, the natural sexual drive awakens and i struggle to control it, sometimes leading to minor sinful activities like not lowering the gaze [in the presence of unveiled women]. And this problem makes me want to get married to avoid getting aroused”.

and

“The hair of a woman can easily arouse a man. The Prophet advised young men to fast if they can’t get married but it has not been helping me much and I seriously don’t want to wait for years before I get married. But i am only 18 … It would be difficult for me to get married due to social norms of getting to the late 20’s when one has a degree, a job, a house, etc before getting married. So usually my fa[n]tasies are about islamic stuff. The bad part of it is sometimes the fantasies are a bit worldly rather than concentrating in the hereafter.”

and finally

“Alright, i wont go into too much details about me fantasy, but basically they are jihad fantisies [sic]. I imagine how the great jihad will take place, how the muslims will win insha Allah and rule the whole world, and establish the greatest empire once again!!!”

If I recall correctly the terrorists who flew into the World Trade Center were promised sex with a bunch of virgins in heaven.

So let’s get these poor frustrated boys laid. Al Qaeda might have a much harder time recruiting young men if they aren’t squelching their innate biological drive to get some pussy.

Maybe we could open a massage parlor or two at the airport specifically for men with Muslim or middle eastern sounding names. They have two hours before they board the plane which is ample time to get their sex on. And the young female professionals would be able to search them like the airlines are unwilling to.


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  • Anytime I travel I get pulled aside for the detailed search. I don’t know why, I can’t imagine that I look like a terrorist. In fact, I am usually traveling with the kids who also don’t look like terrorists.

  • This is fucking brilliant, girlfriend. Really, really good stuff. I Laughed Out Loud! See… I even spelled that out for emphasis. I’m Tweetin’ this baby.
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  • Perhaps fitting punishment for Mr Fireworks Crotch (yes, I’m jealous) would be to screen all inbound US flights from the Netherlands, where we now know they are soft not only on terrorism but on racial profiling. He might start by being on the lookout for any passengers named “Woods”. I know this hits close to home for you, Redhead, in light of your past dalliance with the Tiger, but somebody had to say it: golfers are terrorists, too.

  • Oh. I see a nice government job in your future. Maybe with the FBI or CIA. Maybe you should work for the Airlines. Definitely some good insight on how things should be done, lol.

  • Whoa. That’s harsh. I recently changed my name to Rafshan Hashemi Ben-Khesi, got a bunch of penis tats and piercings, but I still managed to smuggle eight ounces of C4 up my poop chute onto an American flight bound for Detroit with no problem. Let’s face it, nobody would miss Detroit if it nuked itself.

    What I really enjoy about the new scanners is they only go skin deep in showing off tits and ass and insignificant penises in You-Tube ready streaming video. Shove a bomb up your ass and no way the screeners will catch it.

    My own solution to the terrorist problem is simple: explode all the bombs at once and explode into space. Works for me.

  • Gee, I thought Christmas was a commercial holiday…..heh heh
    I always wondered why they would want 72 virgins anyway. I mean seriously – would you want 72 virgins?!

    I got pulled over for “extra screening” once in Cincinnati. You could see the guy counting to 10 and pulling people out of line. You could see people counting to 10 and moving out of line….
    By the time they got through counting all of my medications(cause I refuse to put them in my baggage for fear of losing them. I can see explaining to the doctor how I lost all of my fentynal and vicoprofen) l they figured I was too, erm, relaxed to do any harm and let me go without any further searches.

  • I’ve always thought racial profiling is a good thing. I’ve never been silent about it either. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it’s a DUCK. Hello.

    Have a terrific day. 🙂

  • Here Here for the Doc. My only bitch is I am an Agnostic, this week ….and we don’t get no Virgins lined up for us if we decide to take down a plane with our underwear

  • Jen

    Anne: I’ve sailed through the line carefree when I should have been searched. Not going to say anymore than that except I wasn’t going to blow anything up, just a little personal recreation. This was a long, long time ago but I am pretty sure I could do it again. I’m also of Swedish descent.

    Jayne: Wow, thanks.

    Wngl: If Tiger could get a nine iron hidden in his crotch they’d probably miss that too.

    Shelly: If our government, or any of them, had any common sense I would have to spell it out for them. Luckily we have passengers on these planes who can spot a fake crotch and know what to do about it.

    Dr. Faust: I was going to hit on the idea that people will start bringing their explosives in their ass and in their implants. Why not they want to die anyway. Anyone who gets penis piercings wants to show their stuff, they have no right to complain if they get pantsed in line.

    Pricilla: 72 virgins! I couldn’t remember how many there were but it was a lot. Would that draw me into the Taliban or Al Quada? no. Which is probably why you don’t see many female terrorists. We only have one head to think with.

    Comedy Plus: I also meant to include the duck rule in this post but I got off topic. It’s as simple as that and frankly I don’t think that could be considered racial profiling just good common sense.

  • Jen

    Man Over Board: I haven’t read the terrorist rule book but I think one has to commit to a religion before they teach the secret handshake. If there were more Atheists and Agnostics out there we would have a lot less war. Not there is anything wrong with being religious but you never hear about those fanatical agnostics blowing up abortion clinics or beating homosexuals to a pulp.

  • I don’t know why, but every time I drive across the Mexican border, I am always put in the line for secondary search when crossing back into the US. I am a 55 year old grandma! Just what is it about me screams “drug smuggler”? I am as normal (looking) as they come. Yet, it has become routine over the past 20 years for me to spend a little time with the US customs agents when returning to my homeland. Why am I being profiled? Do you think it has anything to do with the Grateful Dead sticker on my back window?
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  • Jen

    MadMadMargo: Yes

  • I wanted to get mad because married to someone that is muslim and looks like a terrorist – but i couldn’t – I was to busy laughing. I just want everyone to know that I’m doing my part – I grab a muslims crotch at least once a day!

  • Jen

    Sheila: Your comment made me spew Diet Coke on my brand new keyboard! If everyone grabbed the crotch of a Muslim at least once a day think of the money we could save on airline security! Thanks for doing your part, I feel safer already.

  • Sheila, you are helping this country in a great way, and for that I thank you!

    Jen, you are a ROCK STAR. This was one of those, “print and share at work” posts – quietly to the RIGHT people of course. Seems the cold is a good thing for your writing. I say keep the heat down.

    Oh, and I will just DIE if you end up marrying a muslim. That would be just too good.

  • He looks like such a DORK! LOL!!
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  • PJ

    My husband traveled for business all the time and was searched before every flight. He figured they were profiling for middle-aged business men of Scottish decent, dressed in suits. True.

    I think anyone coming into the USA from anywhere should be scrutinized and anyone with red flags coming from anywhere should be searched to whatever degree clears up the concern.

    If people don’t like it, they don’t have to fly. They don’t have to come to this country. It’s that easy.

    Isn’t it sad how a few kids have to spoil the party for everyone?

  • I kind of agree with Comedy Plus. I call for full body cavity searches on ducks!

  • Yes, you are truly brilliant! Thank you for saying it. Should we start a petition? Full body x-rays? Do it! It’s incomprehensible that that man made it on a plane. PERIOD! Heads had better roll on this one, of course, had a plane load of people died, it wouldn’t matter if some lame clerk was fired from their job. Let’s just say NO to “suspicious” characters, shall we?

  • “If you can’t pronounce someone’s name then a full body cavity search needs to be implemented.”

    Heh.

    I’m fine with airport security taking extra measures to ensure safety, but some are misguided. Does my tall, pale, bald, sweet husband really look like a shoe bomber? Because he ALWAYS gets pulled aside.

  • Ducks are terrorists? It’s about somebody pointed that out. No one has ever checked out my duck while boarding.

  • Jen

    Katherine: Uh, thanks. I’d be happy to marry a Muslim, as long as I don’t have to convert. I had more to say but it came out really wrong each time so I gave up.

    Lee: Yes he does. I suppose he just realized there are no virgins for bombers who screw up.

    PJ: I just read that Umar did not go through regular security in Amsterdam, I also read he didn’t have a passport but I don’t know if that is true. It’s been years since I flew so I haven’t had to wait in line for a while but I’m all for getting checked out. The only time I have been pulled aside is because of the biker boots I was wearing, before the shoe bomber, the boots are awesome and could probably do a lot of damage to someone, maybe even kick out the window on a plane, maybe.

    Margaret: I’m with you and Comedy plus on the ducks. Some one needs to remember the orange sauce however.

    JD: It seems as if a lot of people get pulled aside but not the right ones. Tall, pale, bald and sweet looking men should not get pulled aside for full body cavity searches only the short, olive complected, furry, mean looking guys should get searched. The line will be filled with people who look like Oscar the Grouch.

    Dr. Faust: I don’t know about riding planes but in MN no one is allowed to cross a bridge with a duck on their head.

  • I have read and heard that the only reason the bomb did not do more damage is because it was a “wedgie bomb” and his butt cheeks got in the way, and he is not the first unsuccessful butt bomber……

    What really makes me mad is my 21yo blonde haired, blue eyed, son who is in the National Guard is a terrorist risk simply because he did a tour in Irac. What’s wrong with that picture, I DO NOT appreciate my son being compared to Timothy Mcwhat’s his name.
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  • OMG Jen!! So funny and so true!!
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  • Sadly so much of this true..once again my old saying, life is more interesting then fiction, although I hate the thought of profiling it just doesn’t sit well I remember what they said was done during world war two and it still makes me feel sad as the majority of people love this country know our issues and are convinced it’s still the best place to live.

    Dorothy from grammology
    grammology.com

  • I think that if our highly educated President cannot pronounce your name correctly you get a fully body cavity search. Did anyone see the President’s speech this afternoon? He pronounced it differently each time.

    At some point we are going to have to arrive the day before our flight and everyone will get full body cavity searches. Then it will be completely fair and completely safe.

  • BK

    I guess it makes more sense to be safe than sorry. By the time the airplane takes off, it may be too late already. While it is good to do racial profiling, this may cause a loophole where they disguise themselves as otherwise and they could miss the check ‘easily’? So instead of strict racial profiling, there is a need to step up on overall security measures to ensure the safety of other well-meaning passengers.
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  • I loved this post. I do not fly, I actually am scared of flying, won’t do it. I can drive anywhere I wanna go 😉

    BUT the problem with this whole type of situation is that everyone now wants to “make things fair” do we not raise our children to realize that “life is NOT fair”? I mean really I tell my three munchkins on a daily basis that life isn’t fair, we can’t all have the same things in life. It may suck but it is life … I think too many ppl are trying to make things “fair” and it’s just not “safe”. I think safety first – another thing we teach our children!

  • Dude. BRILLIANT. Seriously. BRILLIANT. Airport sex lounges. Fabulous.

    Wait. Would traveling American husbands be able to get into these establishments? If so, we will need an equal lounge for women. One that has shoes and handbags and botox and really good wine. Shit. Now I can’t even remember the point.

  • C

    hhahahahahahahhahahahaha! hahahahahahahahahah! hahahahahahahaah!

    hahahahahahahaha!

    I agree. From start to finish. And there’s nothing more I can say.

    hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    You rock.

  • I got patted down in Louisville in September. I’m beyond white and my name is Melissa. There is no way anyone would mistake me for anything but corn-fed American. They patted me down because I was wearing very light, thin cardigan over my tshirt. Seriously. There was a sign asking people to take off jackets, which I can understand. But this tiny thin sweater? It couldn’t conceal the crack of dawn.

    That being said, I didn’t mind because it was just a pat-down and I know it was just to be safe. I agree that they need to be more aggressive with their searches to people who fit the profile. They have FBI profilers who profile personalities. That’s not a whole lot different.
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  • Also? That guy in the mug-shot (please don’t make me spell his name – that’s probably harder than pronouncing it) looks like a cartoon character.
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  • My last name is Whiteman-Jones. Do you know how to pronounce that? Most people don’t, so I guess I’ll be stripped search everytime I fly. Still, I support your call for racial profiling. I think we ought to round up everybody who looks like Timothy McVeigh, Dylan Klebold or any number of the white, paranoid, government-hating or neo-Nazi killers who regularly terrorize this country by shooting up our neighborhoods, offices and schools with their AK-47s, pistols and bombs to the tune of 30,000 deaths a year. Fuck them and their guns and their bombs. They don’t take their civic responsibilities seriously, and don’t deserve their rights, either.

  • Let me know when you work out the details of getting these guys laid, because I’m totally changing my name to something with 14 straight consonants and going Muslim.

  • Red, you are right on, again. I shared with my facebook. I was told once, by a marriage counselor, “that what one perceives, is their reality”. So if I perceive, 72 virgins, can I keep my Christian name, and still get em’?

  • Jen

    Valerie: Good one! I don’t understand how a man in the military who has been helping us fight these bastards can get put on a watch list or no fly list. It just shows you how much our government has no idea what one hand is doing.

    Stephanie: Sadly, yes. However if all it took was to get these guys laid it would be a relatively inexpensive solution.

    Dorothy: It is stranger than fiction and sadly there is a lot of truth to it however I don’t want to put anyone in a concentration camp. That was wrong. I just want to feel the crotches of some men who look like they might so some harm.

    Lola: that or everyone might start to drive more and travel over seas less. Or if they gave us our flying cars like we were promised we could just take them over seas.

    BK: It’s nothing more than a cat and mouse game. The rules will continue to change as these guys figure out ways to get around our solutions. I don’t think it will stop terrorist attacks but it might slow them down a bit. Preventing one airplane from falling out the sky is worth it to me but others don’t agree with that. To each his own.

    Brandy: I am with you on the fairness thing. When I was kid my brother and I would get into trouble because one of us did something stupid (it didn’t matter who) one of us would say the other one did it. Since my father didn’t witness what happened and couldn’t be sure who was lying he punished us both. It wasn’t fair but there really was no other fair solution. Teachers use this tactic every day. One student disrupts the class and they all have to pay for it.

    Stefanie: It’s been a while since I took a plane anywhere but it seems to me the airport is filled with places that have shoes handbags and wine, probably botox too. No, husbands can not get in unless they look like a terrorist and have names with fourteen consecutive consonants in their name, Abdullah or Muhammad must be one of their many names. I like the way you think however.

    C: Thank you, glad you enjoyed.

    Surfie: Might they have patted you down because you are all American looking with a tight thin sweater on? It might have had little to do with airport security and more to do with sexual harassment.

    The mug shot guy is Richard Reid, the shoe bomber, when I searched for his picture I found one with him next to a picture of Big Bird as long lost brothers, I couldn’t take the guy seriously before and now I certainly can’t.

    Mike: Seriously? People can’t pronounce your name? I suppose if you are flying in Middle Eastern countries they might have a hard time but I would assume here, Canada and the UK it wouldn’t be a problem. As for Timothy, Dylan and all the other homegrown terrorists we have I have a post coming up about them in the next day. I’ll probably piss a lot of people off with that one too. As in both cases the problem is deeper than the killing of Americans, or anyone for that matter. I’ll leave it at that for now.

    Mooog: I figured you’d sign up. I’m surprised more wouldn’t.

    Don: Don’t know. Perceive away if it makes you happy, just make sure you have a lot of lube on hand. (Sorry, I know you are new here but that’s the way it goes).

  • VE

    Ha! I like your solution. Amsterdam is the closest I’ve seen toward that reality…

  • Excellent! Found you via I Do Thinks…and Entrecard. 🙂 Great write up. And I concur!

  • Might also be an idea to look at the practice of putting the airlines safety in the hands of the lowest bidding security company. And as far as longer lines in the airport? Screw ’em, I can’t afford to flight anywhere.

  • On a trip to europe in 2002, and then to asia in 2005 I totally got racially profiled even though I’m Caucasian. I’m pretty sure it’s because I can grow a beard in like, a day. I was also travelling alone which didn’t help matters 😉
    .-= mike´s last blog ..It’s A Book Review. You Got A Problem With That? =-.

  • Okay! I believe it is the same old thing. The Gov. doesn’t want to spend the money. Put the New xray machines in all the airports and screen everyone. You could have a blond haired american lad that is a converted terrorist. Let’s screen everyone.

  • Jen

    VE: and yet the underpants bomber originated his flight in Amsterdam. Maybe they are all stoned?

    Megscole64: Welcome, and I Do Things is an awesome blog, I love JD and the way she will do anything for me so I don’t have to.

    Capt. Dumbass: Me neither. I do think we ought to privatize the security at the airport of course I have little faith in our government.

    Mike: They probably saw all the cheese in your suitcase and thought it was a bomb. The facial hair probably didn’t help either.

    Grampy: it is possible that blond haired lad could be converted but I think that is a much harder challenge than it sounds like. Can you imagine being converted to the terrorists way of life? Probably not. I think most people are not going to swayed by the 72 virgin thing. Which isn’t to say we don’t grow our own dumbass terrorists.

  • Aw, come on. Ease up, Red. That Abdulmutallab guy just probably ate some of that chili you ate all by yourself. 😉 Heh, heh. Maybe that’s why his pants exploded.

    What?

    I don’t know. I’m snarky today too, and I’m not even commenting on the right post for that.

  • I refrained from saying this last time, but had to come back.

    I heard someone comment one time that it just says “72 Virgins” it does not say what sex they are. The commenter went on to say wouldn’t it be funny it there really were “72 Virgins” waiting but they were all MALE!!! HEEHEEHEE
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  • Girls can’t ever keep too many bags or shoes! Excellent post.