Things I Really Like

Is There An App For That?

May 5, 2010
App Store

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I love my iPhone.  Actually, I ♥ my iPhone (Shawn taught me that). I ♥ my iPhone because there are so many great apps to play with. Lately I have been playing Cowabunga (it’s free). My fingers get all sweaty which cause me to drop the cows in the river a lot but still it’s great fun.  And the sound effects are awesome.

Because I ♥ my iPhone I know I will ♥ my iPad even more.  Right now I am ♥ ing my imaginary iPad because that is the best I can do at the moment. I have been imagining going to one of the 400 Starbucks in my neighborhood and sitting there, sipping my non-fat latte, while I play Cowabunga on a much larger screen. Where I might be able to use two fingers to get the cows across the river, so I can take turns wiping my sweaty fingers on a paper napkin. I imagine all the other patrons, of one of the 400 Starbucks in my neighborhood, looking on longingly at my iPad wishing they had one too.

I imagine all the apps that are available for the iPad that I know I will ♥ so much. There is an app for everything you could possibly think of if you are a 12 year old boy.  Unfortunately for us moms, the app store is woefully understocked.

If I had the ability to create apps these are the ones I would create:

1. Audio caller ID App

I’m not really sure this would be an app but it’s something I would love on my iPhone. I have audio caller ID on my land line. The phone rings and some nice lady tells me who is calling so I don’t have to get up and look for the phone. My iPhone does not have this feature yet I imagine it does because it rings and I wait for it to tell me who is calling.  By the time it occurs to me that it won’t tell me who is calling, I have missed the call.

2. Get the Kids Ready for School App

The iPhone or iPad would go off at the appointed time and wake up the kids. It would then wake them up again. It would then wake them up again in a shrill and aggravated voice telling them they will miss their bus if they don’t get their butts moving. It will tell them to eat something, anything, because lunch isn’t for several hours. It will remind them to brush their teeth and wear a sweater. It will keep making a horribly annoying noise until both of them are out the door and on their way to school, not to return for at least six hours.

3. The Housework is Backing Up App

This app will magically know when things are getting out of hand. Usually around Thursday. The app will tell me when the dishes are piling up, when there are more than five loads of laundry that need to be washed and when the floors are covered in animal hair. It will kindly remind me each day that unless I do some of this stuff it will get out of hand and then I will just throw in the towel and surrender until the weekend. It will remind me how much I hate spending my weekend getting caught up on all the housework so that I will actually tackle a little each day. It will basically be my mother.

4. The Ass Spread App

This app will tell me when it’s time to get away from the computer, put on my ‘outfit’ and take a walk. It works by measuring ones ass and inputting that information into the iPhone or iPad. Each day that goes by it will do some crazy algorithm to determine how much bigger my ass has become because I haven’t put on my ‘outfit’ and gone for a walk. It will use that shrill, aggravated voice to gently get my ass out of the chair and start to move. It will ultimately be a life saver or at least a cellulite preventer.

5. The What’s For Dinner App.

This one works by simply taking a picture of the contents of the fridge. The app will figure out a way to make a gourmet meal out of string cheese, moldy broccoli and braunschweiger. It will show a picture of what those three ingredients could look like if handled correctly. It would also have a taste meter with smiley faces so the children would eat it, no questions asked. It would, of course, lie.

Those are my apps, which ones do you imagine?

* Before I sat down to write this, when I was imagining the apps I would like to have, I thought of one that took all my appointments, tasks and commitments and organized them together.

I seriously need to take a little vacation.

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  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    “The Ass Spread App — This app will tell me when it’s time to get away from the computer, put on my ‘outfit’ and take a walk.”

    Jen, you must know that if Jayne sees this, she's going to be all over you, pointing out that while could certainly benefit from app, it would be completely useless to her.

    The other apps I really like, though, especially the get the kids ready for school app with the shrill voice and the what's for dinner app. Sometimes I don't know how I manage to get dinner on the table with what I've got at hand. I should write a book about it, in fact, because I often amaze myself.

    As for what apps I'd like to see….I'd like to see any of them because I can't afford an iPhone, or even dream about an iPad. I'd be happy to get an iTouch. In fact, the iTouch is my dream acquisition right now. I have an iPod, and love it, but I'd more capacity and the ability to play games, preferably at work. I've been thinking about asking everybody I know to send me a dollar so that I can get one.

    Great idea for a post! (As long as Jayne doesn't see it. But she sees everything. She's all over the Net.)

    • redheadranting

      Mike, of course you are right. Jayne and her size 4 ass don't need this app but that is the beauty of the iPhone and the iPad, you can pick and choose which apps you need and want.

      If you get the iTouch be warned, it's the gateway iPod. Once you see how cool that is you will want more. Pretty soon you will be hanging out in back alleys trying to score an iPhone, when that isn't enough you will knock over Apple stores just to play with the iPad. You might even sell a child. You've been warned.

      • Jayne

        I would like an app that did nothing but admire my size 4 ass and comment about it's perky perfection. Yes, every time I turned the phone on I would hear George Clooney's voice saying, “What I wouldn't give for a piece of that most perfect of all asses.”

        • redheadranting

          That would be some app to come with George Clooney. Someone should Tweet
          that to him.

        • Dieter Moitzi

          Jayne, I'm soooooo with ya 😉

      • mikewjattoomanymornings

        I've actually got two children left to sell. I got a car for one of the other ones, and a nice sweat for the other of the other ones. I think I'd be happy to sell my teenage son for an iTouch, or, if I can swing it, and iPhone.

        Speaking of apps, which Jayne and you were, I think Jayne's hit on an idea for a great app. Celebrity comments — about your brains, your hair, your creative mind or, in Jayne's case, her incredibly perky ass, which is better to have than almost everything else combined.

        We could get Clooney and Charlize Theron and Lady Gaga and Warren Buffett (for the accountants) to say cool things like, “I could bite that ass of yours, Jayne. All of it. At once.”

        I'm hearing a cash register ringing, and every time a cash register bell rings, I get a new pair of wings.

    • Jayne

      I heard that.

  • Sam Liu

    I must admit, iPhones and iPads baffle me entirely…they look so complicated :)

    • redheadranting

      Sam, that's just it, they are not complicated. They are so user friendly they don't even give an instruction manual with them. Of course that means there are apps on it that you don't realize you have. I have the GPS app on my phone, but I didn't know it. I have been printing out Google maps and trying to read them while I drive. With the iPhone I just punch in my destination and follow the blinking blue dot.

  • junkdrawer

    Your “What's for dinner” app is genius. What do you think it might say about the old eggs, Parmesan cheese and dried up asparagus in my fridge? It would probably say “Don't make that omelet without a shot of penicillin.”

    I got to play around with an iPad this week when one of my clients showed his to me. I coveted it immediately. He's my new best friend. I want an app that drugs my clients and convinces them that they need to give their toys away. To me. Is that bad?

    • redheadranting

      I have a friend who also got to play with one. She sent me a picture of her playing with to my iPhone. Everyone has suggested I go to an Apple store and play with one but I know If I do I will sell a child in order to get an iPad. I still don't know what I need one for, except to be really cool.

  • Nicky

    Ok, as anti-iPhone as I am, I love the apps you've come up with! I would also love an app that did my homework for me. And an app that would find all of my man's things for him. But I'd really, really love an app that would go to work for me, get a promotion and a raise and earn enough money so that I could stay home and blog and comment and shoe shop all day long. I could definitely ♥ the iPhone if they came up with that one.

    • redheadranting

      Just wait, it's on the drawing board somewhere. iPhones are wonderful, how can you be anti heaven/perfection/nirvana?

  • themother
    • redheadranting

      That is hilarious! How many iPhone do you think they ruined just to make the video. Love the Hammer App.

      • themother

        My geeks think they just kept killing the same one.

        • redheadranting

          I'm just too gullible. Doh!

  • Alison

    I need those hahaha. Cept for the kids one for now, but when they are older I will need it! Love it.

    • redheadranting

      If you had that app now you could practice and then maybe your wouldn't need the app.

  • mrsblogalot

    The someone else have my period app
    The tell your boss he's an ass app

    But Jen, NOTHING beat the Ass Spread App!

    • redheadranting

      Those are both good ones!

  • Lola

    The exhb app. It automatically withdraws child support and money owed from the exhb's bank account the second there is money in his account, before he can spend it frivolously and tell you he doesn't have any money.

    I'd get an Iphone just for that app. I would totally ♥ the Iphone just for that.

    • redheadranting

      They'd find a way around it I promise you.

  • mike

    I have been resisting the iPhone for months. One by one, my colleagues all got one. I'm surrounded by it!

    I like The What's for Dinner App. I figure that one day our stove and fridge will be one unit and the iPhone will control them. You'll put in your ingredients and the food will get transfered from fridge to stove. The stove will then cook it for you.

    That doesn't even seem all that far fetched anymore.

    • redheadranting

      I don't think that is too far off. My son is convinced there will be a printer type machine that will spit out the cooked food that you order online.

  • Kim – In Search of Me in Mommy

    I am seriously inept in the ap world…so I guess I want the an ap to get “apdated”…

    • redheadranting

      Good one Kim! I had a Google search today from someone looking for apps. The app she wanted was ” an app which tells me my outfit looks ok” not great but ok.

  • comedyplus

    I'm so happy you ♥ your iPhone. Enjoy.

    Have a terrific day dropping your cows in the river. :)

    • redheadranting

      Isn't it fun to make ♥ and things? That's the only one I know but it is so much fun. Almost as much fun as my imaginary iPad!

  • Kristy

    I don't have an iPhone, but I held one in my hands a couple of days ago. Can I be part of the club???

    • redheadranting

      You can have an *imaginary* iPhone and that will get you in the club.

  • lindamedrano

    I have an iphone. Alex insisted on it. Why I'm not sure. I can't even figure out how to make a call on it half the time. He's put music and movies on it. Huh? I don't want movies on my iphone. I am technology challenged. He's a geek!

  • sheila

    I haven't got an i-phone yet, waaahhhhhh – don't really want one but I'd love to get an i-pad.

    I only get hand-me-down phones.

    Don't forget the I'm not in the mood app

    • redheadranting

      I love that App!

  • Margaret (nannygoats)

    You know what? You're right. You can get a farting app and an app where you “push the red button”, but woeful inadequateness for the rest of the IQ spectrum. Why? Because sex sells. And farts sell. And sexy farts sell.

    And smell.

    • redheadranting

      Sexy farts?

      • Jayne

        There actually is an app that makes fart sounds. Big seller with college guys and rednecks.

        • redheadranting

          And nanniegoats (NGIP)

  • joannmannix

    If my iPad wasn't charging in the other room, I'd send this comment from there, just so you could read the douchey message on the bottom that says, “Sent from my iPad.” I hate that. It's like your iPad is saying, “Na Na Na Na Na. She's got an iPad.”

    It is fun, though, the iPad, not the teasing.

    I'd like a screaming at the kids app. That way when the house gets out of control and find the 456th wet towel on the floor, I can alleviate high blood pressure and a potential stroke, by letting the app do it for me.

    • redheadranting

      I don't know how it works on the iPad, because my *imaginary* iPad doesn't
      have a douchy signature, but on the iPhone you can change your signiture by
      going to settings->mail->signature you can type whatever you want in there,
      and delete the douchy part.

  • howmuchlongertillfriday

    I want a Someone Else Do This app.

    • redheadranting

      Me too, me too!!!! I seem to to be that app in this household.

  • Kelly

    I would pay $100 for app #5. I hate deciding what is for dinner. I guess that's why I usually eat PB sandwiches (unless there is no bread) or an assortment of fruit. Anyway, love your blog.

  • Linda R.

    I don't have an iPhone or any “i” anything. Mine will take pics, video, record voice, calculate tips, send messages, pics, and, of course, make calls.

    If I had an iPhone I would want apps for “feed the cat” set for 6 a.m., “scoop the poop”, and one to magically transform my cat back to who he was a year or so ago. Yeah, the one in my avatar. Do you see a pattern here? I'm right there with you on that vacation thing!!!

    • redheadranting

      I want the scoop the poop app too as well as the one that lets the cat in at 4am.

  • puglette

    i really, really want the what's for dinner app!!! and can it also make the decision for my husband when i ask him what he wants for dinner? he always says “oh i don't know, what ever you want' you know what i want? i want you to make the decision mister!

    i would love these imaginary apps for my imaginary iphone and ipad.


  • acadia

    I don't have an I-anything except two I-balls but I do think it would be handy to have a menu scanner. Just put in where you are eating and see what is good/crappy on the menu.

    Or a scratching app for my I-balls.

    • redheadranting

      That's a great idea because they are always trying to make icky food like
      squid brains sound good by saying there is oozing cheese and tons of garlic.
      This would be like the lie detector of menus.

  • Another Suburban Mom

    I can relate. I love my iphone more than some off my relatives. I would like a “bangs or no bangs” app to guide me when I go for haircuts

    • redheadranting

      That would be really helpful. It could show a picture of you with and
      without them. It'd be great for any kind of hair treatment. Short,
      extensions, perms, straight. It could save us women a ton of cash.

  • Man Over Board

    As usual another funny and all to true post. You ought to start a blog or sumthing

  • Katherine

    I wonder if you can get the ipoo app for the ipad? Maybe for an ipad it would be iperiod. Either way, totally cool. I am a hardware tech and I haven't even TOUCHED one of those things. But you know what it reminds me of? You know how you can get those gimmick giant toothbrushes, giant combs, etc? The ipad is like a gimmick itouch or iphone. Funny!

  • Anne

    We don't get AT&T where I live so I have to have Verizon. I tried to find Cowabunga for my Droid but it doesn't exist :(. Now I will have to go and pout.

  • Tracie

    I need an app that wakes my husband up and nags him until he goes to work.

  • Jennifer

    Love your apps. Wish you could really make them.

  • babs (beetle)

    I'd like an app that tells the cats they're going to bring up their dinner, or a fur ball in 60 seconds, and instruct them to go and stand on their litter tray to do it.

  • marie

    we can change jaynes blog to “inflatasses'sworld”

    • Jayne

      It's not flat. It's small and shapely. :)

  • AdviceMaven

    This list is just too funny, especially the *ss one. As for you mention of an app “that took all my appointments, tasks and commitments and organized them together” at my house that's called the “wife app”

    • redheadranting

      I should have thought of that! In my house it's called the mom app

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  • Erin

    Oh how I want an iphone… I should stop counting the ways!

    Stopping by to welcome you to SITS!

  • Jenny Beans

    I don't have an iPhone… but my fiance wants to switch next fall. Right now I have a BB, and I've played with the iPhone, but haven't quite mastered the art of the touchscreen, so I get frustrated. Ah well.

    Thanks for popping over to the blog! :) It was nice meeting you, and I'll be back… but not in a Terminator way. In a nice way.

  • meleahrebeccah

    I ♥ my iPhone too! I also wish these apps were REAL!

  • jollyegirl

    Awesome!!! So, how do you make the little heart because I “heart” my iPhone too!!! LOL…and if you figure those apps out, please let us know because I think we could all use them!!!

    • redheadranting

      Shawn left a comment in the thread explaining how to do this. But I'll try.
      I'm on my laptop where it doesn't work but try alt and 3 at the same time,
      that will make the heart.