Dumb Shit I Do Things that piss me off

Doubts

October 18, 2010
park bench, empty park bench

I’m having a lot of doubts these days. I’m not sure what I am doing or why for that matter. I want to finish this book but the more I work on it the more I think it sucks. I also know that I need to refine the focus of it, I have an idea but honestly I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. I’ve let my blog go to hell, I have been a horrible blogger in that I haven’t visited any other blogs in weeks and what is worse, I don’t think I care that much. And that makes me feel really guilty.

I care what everyone else is doing in the blogosphere, and I miss all you guys, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to read anything and commenting would be out of the questions because…I don’t know why but the thought of coming up with a witty comment or even a not so witty comment makes me break out into a cold sweat.

I have to shit or get off the pot. I know that. I can’t afford to do this anymore. I actually looked for and applied for some jobs today. Real life jobs, in an office. Jobs I am no longer qualified to do I might add. And, certainly jobs I can’t afford to do, I can’t afford to live on and raise two kids on an entry level salary and yet I have been out of the real world jobs for so long my resume is laughable. How the hell did this happen? And what the fuck am I going to do about it?

I don’t know. I do know I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don’t have a clue about changing the situation.

Sorry this is so depressing but that’s all I got right now.

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28 Comments

  • Reply Comedy Plus October 18, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    I wondered what happened to you. I didn’t realize it was this grim. Perhaps you need to take a break for writing this book and reevaluate what you want. Just saying. Sound pretty negative and that’s just not you at all.

    Have a terrific day. Big hug (you need hugs)! 🙂

  • Reply Lolas Diner October 18, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    I’m kind of feeling the same way. I’m job hunting too and I haven’t worked in 3 years. Seems like a lifetime ago and it makes me wonder if anyone even looks at my resume. Yes, I could start work at the drop of a hat because I’m not working and wouldn’t need to give notice, but do employers really care about that, or are they going to give me the 3rd degree about not having worked?

  • Reply JunkDrawer October 18, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    I would love it if we’d all stop beating ourselves up about not blogging or commenting. The other day I felt like I was back in high school and I had a homework assignment due because I hadn’t had a decent post up in a while. We’re punishing ourselves for nothing. We all need to take stock and do what makes us happy. Jen, please cut yourself some slack.

    I don’t know what to say about the job stuff, except if that’s what will make you feel better, then go for something. Anything. See if it fits you and go from there. Word of warning — my job is killing me slowly and is the reason I can’t get up enough energy to write. Will working outside the home worsen your situation? Just a thought.

    • Reply cardiogirl October 19, 2010 at 7:00 am

      Oy to the vey on feeling like your homework is not up to date and the dog is belching up college-ruled notepaper once an hour, every hour.

      This just occurred to me: most of the bloggers I hang with have been blogging at least 4-5 days a week for at least three years. That’s a hell of a lot of writing. Maybe we’re all simultaneously pooped out.

  • Reply Nicky October 18, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    Ok, Jen, take a deep breath! Maybe taking a step back isn’t such a bad idea. You could put the book in the hands of someone you trust and ask them to take a look. A critical look, not just a “read this and let me know what you think” look.

    While they’re reading, you can review your resume. Sometimes we have skills we don’t give ourselves credit for, ones that employers might find impressive. Like writing a book, running a household, raising two children, writing blogs that generated income and found sponsors, creating, building, and managing a blog network, negotiating a partnership/cooperative with another blog network…any of this sound familiar?

    And lastly, you are not to feel guilty for not reading and commenting! Reading should be an enjoyable activity, and I would hate for you to stop by and read because you feel you HAVE to. Same for comments. I miss your tiny redheaded gravatar, but when you’re ready again, come on by. You know we’ve always got a spot reserved for you, right next to the cheese plate and beer fridge. 🙂

    • Reply Mikewj October 26, 2010 at 4:35 am

      Cheese and beer sounds really good. A beer cheese fondue sounds good, too.

  • Reply Jaffer October 18, 2010 at 11:39 pm

    Hey Jen … I should thank you for this post. Don’t worry if real life is taking over your online life and I think I am in agreement with the rest of our friends.

    I am sounding very selfish but I am feeling guilty about not being around much – except for a few blogs here and there. There’s just too much on my plate right now – things that I’d rather not discuss online eh. But I am thinking that this cloud should just pass before things return to as they were before.

  • Reply Pricilla October 19, 2010 at 12:25 am

    I wish I could offer more than goat hugs but that’s all I’ve got.
    You do what you need to do. we’ll all be here

  • Reply Blythe October 19, 2010 at 6:57 am

    Aaaaghh! I hear ya! This whole blogging thing becomes overwhelming – the pressure for “quality content” week after week… and there’s just no escaping nagging unfinished projects.

    Frustration means it’s time for a break. Refocus. Take time to think about where you want to take all this – who you’re talking to – what you’re selling – who’s most likely to buy it – whether you’re getting your stuff out there where people can find it … all that basic stuff.

    In the meantime – a part-time job that gets you into a different headspace, interacting with different people, doing something that gets you OUT – might be just the thing. Use the other “part time” to do something creative (NOT writing!) or do something with the kids – get outdoors – Breathe & clear your head – and then – after awhile – go back.

    At this point, we’re not just hits in the stats – we’re you’re friends – and we’ll still be here, because building relationships is what it’s all about.

    And if you want, you can send me your draft. 🙂

  • Reply cardiogirl October 19, 2010 at 7:11 am

    First, missy, we love you and your words. So we’ll be waiting for you.

    Second, I agree with Nicky: taking a break from writing it and letting someone you trust read it with a critical eye might breathe new life into it. Taking a small break from it would probably help as well.

    Third, and most importantly, is there chocolate and an exercise ball in the house? If not, you need to acquire both immediately. The chocolate is for medicinal purposes; take four Hershey Kisses as needed.

    When the remorse of eating chocolate comes in do 10 sit ups and 10 push ups using the exercise ball. It should be a 1:5 ratio of chocolate to exercise.

    And lastly, working outside the house might spark your creative juices in a procrastinatory way. Whenever I’m doing something else and cannot write I come up with great ideas. When I’m sitting at the computer I feel like I have nothing to say and suddenly feel energized to tackle the laundry.

    Good luck and take the break you want without feeling guilty. You could always post a knock-knock joke every so often.

  • Reply GDad October 19, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Jen,

    We miss you. Stop by sometime.

  • Reply RedHeadSam October 19, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    *hugs*

    That’s the best I’ve got.

    A small note: We’re our own worst critics and it usually isn’t as bad as it can feel. Hang in there!

  • Reply Boom Boom Larew October 19, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Oh, Jen…. I understand exactly how you’re feeling. That’s what kept me from blogging recently. Being underemployed can be worse than being unemployed. It’s so frustrating when you just can’t keep up. Now I’m out of work because of my broken leg, so I’ll blast through what little savings I had left. Damn! There’s gotta be a better way. But, that said… keep going on that book, girl! You’ve got it in you to finish and finish big! I’m rooting for you! (And I’ll pre-order just as soon as your book’s available!)

  • Reply Anonymous October 19, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Well, you know what they say (who the hell is “they” anyway?) It’s always darkest before the dawn. It may sound trite, Jen, but this too shall pass. When all is said and done blogging’s just a past-time. It’s the real world that counts. Don’t feel bad about infrequent blogging (gosh almost sounds like some medical ailment). Focus on your real life. I’ve been toying with cutting back myself. It’s like Kathy alluded to. We put ourselves under this immense pressure to meet deadlines with our posts. But why? It can wait. Really. And we’ll be waiting for you and we’ll all be saying “Hey, I knew her when she was just a blogger” when that book of yours is a great success. 😉

  • Reply Jayne October 19, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    I think of you as more of an entrepreneur than a working-for-someone-else person. Think of all the things you do to keep your life going. There are lots of other women and maybe men who would pay for those services. You could put together a package of services — shopping, for example or running errands, or personal assistant — figure out an hourly rate that would make it worth your time and put an ad in the paper. Put up little ads at up coffee houses and bulletin boards everywhere — send an e-mail out to all the moms you know and ask them to pass it on. I bet you could start your own nifty little business in no time and work it around your life. You are so inventive and creative. You could make this work. And think of all the material it might give you to write about. 😉 Hugs…

  • Reply Lisa Griffiths October 19, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    Breathe in, breathe out, move on…

  • Reply babs (beetle) October 19, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    I really think you should stop feeling guilty. I don’t always believe in the saying “If it feels good, do it” but in this case I think a little of what makes you feel good is needed, and less of what makes you feel bad.

    If you had been around, you would have noticed that I haven’t been. I am feeling much the same as you at the moment, and I don’t know what I need to do to change things either. One thing I do know, is we mustn’t add guilt to the mix. It won’t help.

    When the time is right, you will be back and everyone will still be here 🙂

  • Reply meleahrebeccah October 19, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    Jen, everything is going to be fine. I promise.

    Maybe you just need to walk away from the book project for a few days, or weeks. Let it stew. When you revisit with new eyes things will seem much clearer to you.

    As for your blog friends, your loyal readers like me will be here no matter what.

    Oh, and BREATHE woman.

    xoxoxo

  • Reply Katherine Murray October 20, 2010 at 12:57 am

    Honestly Jen, I TRULY believe ANYTHING you put your mind to will be a success. You are STRONG. You are SMART. You have DRIVE. And your personality will get you far! YOU GO GIRL! Whatever happens was meant to happen. And I know you well enough to know that if you hate it, you will get out of it and find something you DO like!

  • Reply joann mannix October 20, 2010 at 3:07 am

    Writer’s self doubt is a universal poison. Stay strong, Jen. It will come together. And don’t worry about blog land. We’re not going anywhere.

  • Reply Anonymous October 22, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    Jen, get off your back. I think you’ve done a hell of lot this past year: started a web community, started writing a book. When I was unemployed, I just started losing it. Really hit an emotional low, lost self-confidence and lost track of time. My 2009 wall calendar would laugh at me. Thankfully, 2010 was more forgiving. Maybe you need to take a break and do something fun. Since I started working full time, I’ve reduced my blogging time considerably. You do what you can. Flogging yourself just hurts.

  • Reply Lanita Moss October 22, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Do whatever you need to do…and quit guilting yourself out. It’s unproductive.

  • Reply Frogsinmyformula October 23, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    It’s a common misconception that you need to shit OR get off the pot. Sit on the pot for as long as you want. Read a good book, drink some wine. Yes, your ass might fall asleep but things have a way of becoming clear when we focus on something else, like how we should be eating more fiber.

    Good luck, my friend.

  • Reply Mikewj October 26, 2010 at 4:30 am

    Oh, wow, you’re in a terrible spot. There’s nothing that’ll make you feel insecure more than being a writer, except perhaps being a whore. It’s a profession that raises all sorts of troubling questions you can’t answer. My advice: Stay with it for as long as you can, see it through, and let others decide whether you have something valuable to say. Even then, they might be wrong.

  • Reply Man Over Board October 26, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    I agree with Lauren, you have done a shit load this year girl. Give yourself a break. Just the thought of writing a book to me is daunting enough, let alone actually going through with it. Just know that life goes by way to quick and if your not enjoying everyday, then you do need to set your priorities. You know you have one hell of a following and we don’t expect you to be Wonder Woman, we all just enjoy your take on life and whats going on in your life.

    So Doctor MOB says a little wine, a few candles and a nice hot bath with some essential oils and bubbles. Then take a breathe and be proudly happy.

  • Reply Chris Casey October 27, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    I hear you Jen. You are not the only one in that boat. I wish I had some great words of wisdom but I don’t. I barely keeping my own boat afloat.

    Loved the Shit or get off the pot line. My Mom used that a bunch. Thanks for the memory.

  • Reply Unfinished Rambler October 31, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    I’m on the same page with everyone else and would add your work over at Tribal Blogs has been nothing to sneeze at.

    However, by the same token, as someone who works two part-time jobs and hasn’t had a full-time job in…um…five years, I can relate to the frustration and depression. As for putting it out there for everyone to see, sometimes you have to be honest and there’s nothing wrong with that.

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