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Huh People

Someone Dreamed About Me

July 12, 2010
Bat Mobile. Special Presentation of Cars Used ...
Image via Wikipedia

And not in a creepy way.

I was going to post a picture of the dead things my cat killed and left on the deck, because I can’t identify them and thought you might be able to, but then I got this email and that bumped the dead things post.

I had a dream with you in it last night.

GPop, Son, and I were asked to go on a bus trip to the Twin Cities.  The admin assistant of our area was driving.  There was someone standing at the front of the bus, a la the movie Speed.  Later that evening, we finally got to the bus stop, which was right outside the small restaurant you owned in downtown Minneapolis.

You came out to greet us, looking just like your arms-out-head-back picture.  You told us that you thought our admin was a bad driver, so you were going to bring us a better chauffeur.  You snapped your fingers, and the old Batmobile from the Adam West Batman series zipped around the corner and approached the curb.  Just as it was about to pull up, a black Corvette zoomed up and parked right in front of us.  The door opened, and Tom Cruise looked out from inside.  He started to talk to us as though we should care what he had to say.  He just kept talking from the passenger seat.  I think his wife was driving him around.

The guy in the Batmobile kept checking his watch, but nobody was paying attention to him.  I think you were getting irritated at Tom Cruise.

Then I woke up.

GDad, from Cranial Hyperossification, is one of my best blog friends. We have never met in real life, though we have talked about it. I’m rather impressed with this dream. I love that I could snap my fingers and conjure up the original Batmobile. I’m not really sure why GDad thought I had this kind of power but it has really made my day, and saved you all from the dead things post.  I don’t usually remember my dreams, though occasionally I have written about them.

Have you ever had a dream about someone from the blogosphere?

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Huh People politics

Al and Tipper Gore are Getting a Divorce?

June 2, 2010
Al and Tipper Gore wedding photo
Image via Wikipedia

I’m not a huge fan of the Gores, even though Al gave us the internet, but I am sad to hear that they have decided to get a divorce after 40 years of marriage.

I try to stay away from politics on my blog, even though the first year I talked about nothing but politics.  Blame it on the two year long presidential election which was just filled with things to talk about and the fact that I was a campaign manager right before I started blogging. I have since realized I know nothing about politics and it is better if I keep my opinions to myself. If I don’t Jayne will come over and kick my ass. I love her blog but feel as if my welcome there is tenuous at best, even though I am her token republican. I need my Sunday Recap so I keep my mouth shut even though I am not convinced she says some things just to get my goat.

As such I’m not going to talk about the Gores’ politics except to say that my dislike for them started back in the 80’s when Tipper decided that record albums needed warning labels. I’m sure her plan to protect children from questionable lyrics backfired and she probably created millionaires out of some musicians who wouldn’t have otherwise made a splash, but that was not her intent. I also have a hard time with hypocrisy. Al Gore is Mr. Environmentalist and all things green and yet he consumes more energy and pollutes more than I could ever hope to in my lifetime. Of course he buys his carbon offsets so it makes up for everything.

So, no, I don’t care that much for the Gores. But, I am sad to hear that their marriage is ending after 40 years. According to their ‘people’ there was no affair, though I find that hard to believe, they simply grew apart.

I’m no expert on marriage, though I do know quite a bit about divorce, but it seems to me that after 40 years you might just want to stick it out. Apparently these two were high school sweethearts. They have no idea what they are about to face. The dating world is brutal. Okay, it might be a little easier for both of them because they are celebrities but still, dating is no fun.

The whole world is talking about  Al and Tipper, maybe not the whole world, maybe just those of us in countries where we have so much extra time on our hands, because we don’t have jobs, that we can concern ourselves with this kind of thing. Or maybe everyone is talking about their divorce because it really is scary.

I’ve never made it past the three year mark in a marriage but I always assumed that once you got past the seven year itch (which seems to happen around the three year mark) and got the kids out of the house, that marriage was a little easier. That after a certain amount of time together, ups and downs, and all out fights, that if you could survive those things you could coast for a little while. That you could maybe relax a bit and know, really know, that you were going to hit that rocking chair on a porch next to your spouse. You both might have dementia and gravity has taken over but still, you had your person who made you not alone.  If you were lucky and no one had dementia or Alzheimer’s, you might be able to remember the past with fondness, look back at what the two of you had created and smile.

Now both of the Gores will have to find someone else to sit with them on that porch. They won’t be able to talk fondly about their past because they won’t have much of a past with the new person. If Al finds some hippie chick to spend his golden years with there will be certain subjects that are not allowed. Subjects like his life as a VP, his invention of the internet and all the other things he did while he was married to Tipper. I don’t know what Al Gore does these days but his glory days are probably over. He probably isn’t going to run for president again, he might create something just as awesome as the internet, say, the iPad or the Hubble Telescope, but my guess is his inventing days are over too.

Tipper probably fares a little better than Al in finding a lasting mate. She looks pretty good, she seems to have mellowed over the years and men are dogs who will bang anything. They don’t really care who she was married to before. Since they don’t often listen anyway they probably won’t care if she talks about Al’s campaign or that kiss they shared on election night.

I’m sure both Al and Tipper will be just fine. They have gobs of money and can do what they want. They don’t have to stick it out for the kids or because of the crappy economy. Which is really a sad thought.

Who do you think will get the Clintons in the divorce settlement?

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Questions I'm Too Ashamed to Ask Google

May 27, 2010

1. Why does Proctor & Gamble make their Tide measuring cap the same color as their detergent?

2. Why does my cat hate me?

3. What is so irresistible about a just cleaned window that it must be kissed over and over again?

4. Does anyone know how to fold fitted sheets?

5. What is on Stanley’s head?


Huh Things that piss me off

I Am Such A Doofus

April 7, 2010

For the last six or so months my truck has not moved. It would only start if I gave it a jump. This was not a huge problem, I have a car that works just fine but the boy uses the truck.

I bought the truck, a ’96 Tahoe, in ’98. It had 90,000 miles on it when I bought it but it’s big ass Chevy and those engines can go for a long, long time. I crashed it twice, major accidents, causing the whole body to be replaced except for the roof. There is one little spot of rust on the back cargo door, other than that it looks pristine. And, more importantly, it is paid for and the tabs cost next to nothing to renew.

However, because it is a big ass Chevy, it sucks gas like a cheap hooker. I think it gets 7 miles to the gallon on city streets and maybe up to 11 on the freeway. Ten years ago this wasn’t as painful as it is now.

I drove the truck as my main vehicle until 2007 when my dad passed away and I started taking care of my mom full time. I couldn’t get her into the truck, it was too high off the ground. So, I bought a car that I could get her into easily. I would have traded the truck in on the car but they wouldn’t take it. Even then it was too old, had too many miles on it (over 200,000 at that point) and it was a gas guzzler. The blue book value of it is under $1200.

By 2007 the A/C had stopped working. Fixing it was a major investment, and it needed a lot of other work. Shocks, cams (I don’t know what those are but they keep telling me I need them) and parts of the interior are slowly going missing. Someone stole the ashtray filled with change in it and the dog jumped on the cup holder pulling it out. I can’t put it back in without taking the whole dashboard off so it sits in the back seat unable to hold cups.

I kept the truck because, no on wanted it, but also because it is great to haul stuff with. I have a trailer hitch on it and can tow the boat with it and we can fill it will leaves in the fall to take to the compost site. It has a practical purpose.

And then it just stopped working. Unless I jumped it or charged it with a charger it wouldn’t go. I replaced the battery last year but that didn’t last for more than a couple of days. I was back to jump starting it. Something was wrong. I talked to my brother and some guy friends who all thought it was the alternator. I had replaced that last spring so I didn’t think that was the problem.

I brought it to a shop several months ago. They said it was the cables to the battery. They charged me $20 and said it was good to go. The next day it wouldn’t start.

I gave up on it. I knew whatever the problem was it was a big one and it just wasn’t something I could afford at the time. I took it off my insurance because I knew I wouldn’t get to it until the spring or summer.

For the last six months I have been sharing a car with my son. This means only one of us can go anywhere at one time. It also means my car smells like a sweat sock.

Yesterday I gave up or gave in and jumped the car. I took it to my mechanic. Not the battery cable one but the mechanic who had cared for my baby since I got it. They are more expensive and not as close since I moved but they knew the vehicle and the owner had rescued me on a couple of occasions. I felt guilty having taken it somewhere else just to save a few bucks.

I told him what was happening and then I told him I had a budget. He had to figure out the problem and fix it for under $200. Not much to work with. I was pretty sure that with that budget we probably were not going to get it fixed. But we might be able to rule out a lot of possible causes.

He called me yesterday afternoon and told me to come pick it up. He also said I owed him $120. I declared my love for my mechanic over the phone and told me son we had to go pick up the truck.

Can you guess what the problem was?

I bet some of you can.

Apparently, the vanity mirror on the visor was not closing all the way. The little doo hicky switch was not being depressed when the mirror was closed because the hinge had snapped off. With the visor closed you couldn’t see that the light on the mirror was still on.

I feel like a complete doofus for not being able to figure this out.  It reminds me of when I called the electrician because the light he had just installed wasn’t working. I paid $85 for someone to come out and change a light bulb.

In my defense of doofusness, they had to remove the wires to the vanity mirror to turn it off. Even if I had located the trouble I wouldn’t have known how to do that. I would have tried Super Glue or something to keep the button depressed but I wouldn’t have been able to remove the wires.

Have you ever called in a professional to fix something that was obvious?

Contests Huh No Carbs People

National Cupcake Day and Websites to Avoid

March 3, 2010

Today is National Cupcake Day which is ironic considering all the press Lisa Ellis is getting for having her naked body turn up on Wyclef Jean’s cell phone. If it were National Titty Cupcake Day it would be perfect for Miss Ellis. Of course she is busy looking for a new job right now so it probably doesn’t matter to her.

As you all know I can’t have cupcakes today or for the rest of the week because I am still off carbs! Don’t forget to enter the contest to win three bars of Happy Goats Soap. I’ll be picking the winner on Friday.

As a single mom I let my kids go online for way too long and I let them watch way too much TV.  I don’t monitor much for my son anymore but I do for my daughter. She is allowed to watch kid shows and go to online sites specifically for her age group.  Because I am an often broke single mom I don’t give my kids a credit card to use online. We do a lot of trial offers but I don’t buy games for my kids. My son has a job and can buy his own and my daughter can just keep whining.

Not allowing them to use my credit cards or my Paypal account makes me think I have a little control over what they do or don’t do.

Not anymore.

Two sites are out there that want to really mess with parents. I am sure this was the goal when they were created.

The first one is Kwedit. The tagline is Play now, Pay later. The site is for kids, who don’t have credit to be able to buy games online with only their word. They must promise to pay the debt in 7 to 14 days by going to a 7-11 and paying the bill. If they keep their promise and pay their kwedit limit gets increased. If you have kids go to this site now and block it on your computer. I’d rather give them my credit card than have to drive them to a 7-11 once a week. Thankfully we don’t have any 7-11s anymore.

The other site to keep you kids away from is Chatroulette! Chatroulette is a bunch of people on a site with their webcam and sitting in front of their computer waiting for someone to talk to them. Kinda like speed dating or something. The site was created by a 17 year old Russian kid who had no idea what the hell he was doing. He had no agenda, he just thought it would be neat. Right now it might be filled with normal people who are just curious to see who is out there but eventually it will morph into a site for pedophiles. There is no logging in, no profiles to create, no information stored. Just a place for perverts to sit and wait for their next victim.

Don’t you just love the internet? There is something for everyone.

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Susan Dey and Texas Independence Day

March 2, 2010
Cast of The Partridge Family
Image via Wikipedia

What could Susan Dey, hot teenager from The Partridge Family and only actor who didn’t appear in the reunion this morning on NBC, and Texas Independence Day have to do with each other?

These are the subjects that Americans are searching for right now. We aren’t wondering about the state of the nation, we aren’t too concerned with the Earthquake in Chile or the continued efforts to help the Haitians. No, we want to know why Susan Dey dissed her make believe family and skipped the reunion.

We could be worried about the unemployment that ran out for millions of Americans this past week but no, we NEED to know why Susan Dey wasn’t a partridge.

I don’t have the answer. I don’t care why she wasn’t there. I don’t care all that much about Texas Independence Day either. If they still want to leave, let them.

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What Does This One Mean?

February 26, 2010
Top and bottom retainers

Image via Wikipedia

I don’t usually remember my dreams. I know I have them, I majored in psychology in college and learned all about REM sleep and that we enter into several times each night. The thing is I rarely remember my dreams. It seems when I do remember dreams they come in clusters. I go for weeks without a dream, at least it seems that way, and then bam I have tons of dreams that I remember.

Last night I dreamed I was wearing my retainer. You know, the thing you wear in your mouth after the orthodontist takes off your braces. The appliance, as they call it, that costs tons of money to replace every time it gets thrown away with the contents of the lunch tray.

In my dream I could feel the damn thing and was having a difficult time talking to the orthodontist who was showing me her min pin dog who was wearing a green tutu and had some funky high heels on. Also a cape but the cape didn’t match the tutu or shoes so I suggested to the orthodontist that she not allow the dog to wear the cape.

I still have my retainer, somewhere. I come across it every ten years or so and manage to wear if for about a minute before I toss it back in the box I found it in. My son’s orthodontist has told me I should still be wearing it at night, that in fact I should wear it for the rest of my life. I think she must smoke a lot of pot or something.

Anyway, I wonder what kind of bizarre dreams you all have. Do you dream in color? Do you spend a lot of time analyzing your dreams or do you just accept them as brain farts?

*** General Hospital***

This week on General Hospital Sonny’s trial for murder begins! One son is tormented when his father takes the fall for him while the other is called to stand to testify against his father.  What do you think these sons will do?

*I am a participant in a Mom Central campaign for ABC Daytime and will receive a tote bag or other General Hospital branded items to facilitate my review.

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Who Did That?

January 29, 2010

As I was leaving the house yesterday I noticed what looked liked dog kibble all over the yard. I have a dog, and a child who likes to feed the dog, so it didn’t seem like an odd thing to see. Except that the kibble was still there and had not been eaten, and that it was placed within animal prints in the same spot each time.

I’m pretty sure this is squirrel poop but since I have never seen squirrel poop before I really don’t know.

I have never noticed this before in my life. I have often wondered where squirrels poop since I’ve never see it on the lawn.

Apparently, if this is squirrel poop, they like to poop in my back yard. It was everywhere once I started looking.

I was actually excited when I found this yesterday. First of all I knew right away I had a post for today, but also because I have often wondered what squirrel poop looks like. I know what rabbit poop looks like, I am very familiar with dog poop, baby poop and even cat poop. I can identify cow poop and horse poop but I have never before seen what squirrel poop looks like.

Am I the only one who has been missing this?


The general consensus, from people who know more about these kinds of things than I do, seems to be that these tracks, and the poop, are made by a rabbit and not a squirrel. I would have to agree. After spending the better part of an hour watching the squirrels in my yard I noticed a couple of things. First off they don’t leave tracks. They little buggers aren’t heavy enough to break through the snow. Secondly they don’t stop to poop.

The mystery remains…where do squirrels poop and what does it look like?

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Huh Things I Really Like

I Lost a Whole Year!

December 16, 2009

Yesterday my daughter was talking about her birthday. She is already making a list for what she wants for her birthday this coming February. I don’t know if she realizes that she is skipping right over Christmas of if she simply realizes that she won’t possibly get everything on her Christmas list. Of course she still believes in Santa so she probably was just mentally counting all her bootie.

Usually the conversation starts out like this:

“Guess what’s after Christmas, Mom”

“New Years” I say.

“Do we get presents on New Years?” Daughter will ask.

“No, but it’s really important to be quiet on the first day of the new year, in fact it’s a great day to spend with your father.” I tell her

“Guess what’s after Christmas?”

“What’s after Christmas?”

“My Birthday!” Daughter says excitedly.

“No, my birthday, then your brother’s birthday and then your birthday” I remind her.

She doesn’t really care about all these other birthdays but since daughter and son both have a birthday within four days of each other, and her birthday is after his, we are caked out. I still make two cakes but there is always half of his left over. Last year I got balloons for son’s birthday, I would have gotten them for her too but his were still up and they said “Happy Birthday”. Yeah, I know, but he didn’t care to play with them, she just wanted more.

Anyway, I got to thinking about my birthday. Mine is in January and usually by December I have already aged myself. I suppose it’s just easier to start getting used to that higher number a month or two in advance.  I never used to do this but my ex#2 always did and the habit stuck.

So I am in the shower yesterday thinking about my birthday and I realized I wasn’t sure how old I was.  I thought I was 44 and was fine with that number except I knew I was not going to be 45 next month. That just wasn’t happening. It seems like yesterday I turned 40 so there was no way 45 had already snuck up on me.  Also my brother had just turned 45 or 46 last month (I’m not really sure about his age either) and he is two years older than me so it didn’t seem possible. So I had to do the math.

I was born 1/17/1966

That makes me 43 for the moment and not 44 like I have been telling everyone, for nearly the last year, who asks.

They don’t usually ask, that would be rude, but I do because I like to compare myself to them if they are the same age as me (only if I look younger).

I have been nearly high on this information for the last day. I don’t usually care about my age but I am still surprised to find that things like Live Aid or the fall of the Berlin wall was 20 years ago. It seems like they just happened. Even 9/11 was almost ten years ago. Time flies and it seems to speed up as we get older.

Realizing I am a year younger is like finding a $100 that had been tucked away and forgotten about. It was always there but I had forgotten about it and now it is like free money.

I got a free year.

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I Took Propofol Like Michael Jackson, and I lived

July 25, 2009

This is a post talking about female parts so all you guys out there can go visit Crotchety Old Man to read about his Brazilian wax job and how he is terrorizing the young nurses. Be sure to contribute to his couch fund. I figure if Dani can talk about her boobs all the time I can talk about the tubal I had yesterday. I also realize I don’t need to feel so guilty about not posting if Chelle, the whip-cracker over at Humor Bloggers dot com is making excuses about not posting during the summer because of such things as having mountains and oceans nearby I can certainly use the old 10,000 lakes excuse.

I have had three surgeries in the past year, all out patient, but all requiring general anesthesia which means I have been administered Propofol three times in the last year. I love this drug. One minute I’m lying on the table exposing my womanly parts and telling the anesthesiologist not to pull a Doc Murray on me and to remind him that I do not need to be kept under for longer than necessary, oh and is he sure he has enough oxygen around just in case, and the next minute, at least to me, I’m in the recovery room trying to get dressed even though I am still dazed an confused. In fact I don’t really remember getting dressed and as I was heading out to ex#2’s car I insisted to him that I needed to go back and get dressed. I was, but it was all a blur.

Ex#2 has been my escort to my surgeries each time. I was hesitant to ask him this time given the procedure and in fact had asked my brother, which was weird since he told me all about his wife’s tubal, but ex#2 called the day before and offered to escort me since it was sort of his area. I didn’t ask which area he meant, my physical part or his driving part. Anyway when we left the hospital and I had cleared my mind a bit I realized that the nurse hadn’t given me any of the pillows they call maxi pads so I asked my ex to stop at Walgreen’s so I could pick them up. I fumbled to get out of my seat belt to go in the store, when he suggested that he do it, which was very nice of him but something I wouldn’t ask even though he has proved in the past that he can and will buy feminine hygiene products for me. It doesn’t matter that he got the teen pads for very long girls. Pads that absorb about a 1/4 tsp of fluid or that he got the store brand which means they are plain looking and have no wings. I’m grateful he did it for me even if he went in the aisle with one hand over his eyes and just grabbed whatever he got his hands on first.

He was also a sweetheart and bought me food since he knew I had not been allowed to eat for nearly 24 hours. He even bought me my favorite snack in the world, Twizzlers, strawberry flavored ones. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have enough saliva to eat them since I hadn’t been allowed liquid for the past ten hours, because I knew when I choked on one he would be there to give me the Heimlich or possibly peel the damn candy off the back of my dry and crusty throat made sore by being intubated. His heart was in the right place.

So I am good to go today. I was a little light headed yesterday and since they filled my abdominal cavity with air, for reasons only they understand, I was a little gassy, the good kind not the rotten egg kind, but I am past that now, I think. I don’t have much of an appetite yet but have been craving a margarita something fierce. Go figure.

I don’t need to worry about getting pregnant ever again even though when I told my mother what I was having done she told me I could always adopt. I wasn’t too worried about becoming pregnant since I had another form of birth control and not really having sex but I have the kind of luck where something like that happens. I begin to see the light at the end of the parenting tunnel, at least having to be around them 24/7 and then bam I pop out another one and start the whole damn 18 year trip over again. I feel liberated to say the least. Twelve more years and I am ready to party.

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I'm Opening a Shoppe

May 19, 2009

I have some of my best ideas before I wake up. At least they seem that way for a couple of hours after waking.

This morning was no different. I woke up with an idea for a great little shop. I live close to Grand Ave. On the avenue are tons of little boutiques and shoppes that cater to people who have gobs of money and don’t have a clue how to spend it. Case in point is the Wedding Shoppe. The Wedding Shoppe is conveniently located across the street from my buddy the balloon guy’s shop. I worked for him years/decades ago when balloons were cool. They aren’t so much now and I spend a lot of time talking to the balloon guy about his poor career choice. He often stares out his window and tries to calculate how much business the Wedding Shoppe does based on the cars parked on the street and the parking lot that he no longer has access to. They have been trying to buy his property for years.

Anyway, my idea for a great store, located conveniently on his property is a store called the Marriage Shoppe. In this store one might find practical gifts for married couples to give one another. There might be a section for newlyweds, couples married five years, ten years and longer, though those sections would be much smaller.

In the section for newlyweds would be gifts like diamond necklaces, lingerie, scrap books of the wedding, shit that only twenty something females would like. There would be no need for power tools or porn until you got into the 5 and 10 year anniversary sections. Beyond that would be mortgage payments, vacations (separate vacations) and college tuition.

There could be a section for clueless guys with signs of what is not acceptable to ever buy for a wife: irons and license plate tabs with the universal red circle with a slash running through it. There could be dictionaries for men just on the words “fine” and “go ahead”. They would be rather large volumes.

It seemed like such a great idea for at least an hour this morning, until I remembered that even though I have been married for six years it was three years per husband and I don’t really have a clue how to have a successful marriage. I know what not to do but I don’t really know what to do. Finding the right guy would probably help a lot in going the distance of at least the decade mark.

And then I thought I could have a store called the Divorce Shoppe. I know all about divorce. There could be sections on lawyers. The pit bull kind that will take all your money and your soon to be former spouses money, the bend over backwards lawyers who don’t cost as much but then you feel like you just took it up the ass for the rest of your life.

There could be sections on mediation, visitation and restraining orders.

There would be a section for celebrating the divorce. Party supplies in black that at least acknowledge the end of the union. The divorced or soon to be divorced person could invite all their friends who will soon no longer associate with them for one last long goodbye. Liquor stores could sponsor a room or theme and kill two birds with one stone.

After thinking about this idea for a while it occurred to me that I haven’t even done divorce all that well. I’m not all that bitter, I get along with both exes, I don’t care about the friends that I no longer see and basically I have become a hermit. Of course if there was a store called the Divorce Shoppe I probably wouldn’t bother to go there since after being divorced so long I forget that I was married let alone divorced. And the last thing I want to do is meet other people in the middle of a divorce.

I wonder if there is a store called the Lonely and Pathetic Shoppe.

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