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How to Prepare for the Post Election Apocalypse

November 4, 2016
How to Prepare for the Post Election Apocalypse

It’s almost here, the day we’ve been waiting for a couple of years now – the end of the election. But wait, before you get too excited, have you figured out how to prepare for the post election apocalypse?

As bad as it is now with wall to wall coverage of emails and p*ssies, it’s only going to get worse on Wednesday morning when we learn  that Clinton won and she’s now the President Elect who happens to be under investigation by the FBI; or we wake up Wednesday morning to learn that Trump is the President Elect (I literally just shuddered as I typed that) and pretty soon we’ll be watering our crops with Brawndo because it’s got what plants crave (electrolytes).

Or worse than both of those scenarios – we wake up on Wednesday and there is no clear winner. The 2000 election will look like a cake walk compared to the mess we’ll be in if the election is close. Get ready to hear “hanging chads”, “pregnant chads”, and all kinds of new “chads” for the next three months.

No matter how it shakes out, we could be in for a rude awakening come Wednesday morning. If you aren’t a prepper now there’s not much time to prepare for the post election apocalypse. If you haven’t stored boxes and boxes of canned goods and freeze dried food you’re going to have to loot the nearest Target and Walmart like everyone else. So be sure to dress properly.


Officials are warning of a possible terror attack on US soil this Monday.

For those of you who voted early, you have nothing to worry about. For the rest of us who put it off as long as possible – take comfort in the fact that at least it won’t be your fault if the wrong candidate wins.

While it is pretty late in the game to learn how to take care of yourself and your family, there are a few things you can do to prepare for the post election apocalypse.

How to Prepare for the Post Election Apocalypse

There are no Safe Spaces in the post election apocalypse – If you’re one of those people who needs a Safe Space, you’re probably screwed in the post election apocalypse.You may as well fix yourself into the fetal position and start rocking while sucking your thumb because people are not going to be able to keep their opinions to themselves in polite company anymore. Joseph de Maistre said – Every nation gets the government it deserves, so we have no one to blame but ourselves. It’s not about parties, or sides or left or right, we collectively made this bed and now we’re going to have to lie in it, all 318 million of us.

Get some decent boots – No matter what kind of apocalypse it’s always a good idea to have a really good pair of leather boots. If you’re vegan I don’t know what to tell you, but odds are you’re in a corner somewhere rocking back and forth so it really doesn’t matter. Boots are imperative because we’re all going to be walking through a ton of bullshit. Sandals, flip flops, Chucks or Uggs just aren’t going to cut it. While you’re at it, pick up some nice waders at Mills Fleet Farm.

Have a stash of good reading material – Recently, criminals have been emptying out Little Free Libraries and selling the books to used books stores. I’m not really sure how it’s a crime since it says free in the title of the library, but whatever. If people can sell all those second hand romance novels and knock off books of What to Expect when you’re Expecting… well, more power to them. Seems to me the books that end up in those Little Free Libraries were books that the used bookstores wouldn’t take. Anyway, hopefully you have some good reading material because when the shit hits the fan we’ll probably be under a much bigger DDS attack than we were a couple of weeks ago. This might not actually be a bad thing. After this election it might do us all some good to unplug and have a time out.

Food and Water – After Hurricane Katrina the government encouraged us to prepare for emergencies such as natural disasters, terrorism or political unrest. They created TV ads, websites, billboards and whatnot telling us how to prepare.  Sadly, most of us didn’t listen and the ones who did and actually prepared, were ridiculed. If you made fun of your neighbor for dragging cases and cases of bottled water into his basement while stocking up on months worth of beef jerky and taking lessons at the shooting range, he’s probably not going to do you a solid and share any of it with you. Ideally you should have a months worth of water and food for just this very thing. It’s probably just as well, we were over populated anyway.

Gold and Silver – For years William Devane has been telling us to buy gold in preparation for the end of the world. If you’ve followed his advice and are sitting on shitloads of gold you’re probably about to get robbed. This may be a wise investment, I don’t really know, but I can’t see society collapsing and those of us with gold or silver coins actually bartering. Odds are the things that will become valuable will be food, water, ammunition, guns and boots. Gold and silver are probably difficult things to lug around during the apocalypse.

Guns and Ammunition – If you don’t have them now you’re probably not going to find any. Walmart, Cabela’s and other sporting goods stores were the first stores looted after the liquor stores. If you need to protect yourself from those with guns you can always demand to see their license to carry permit.

Hopefully it won’t go down this way. Hopefully the populace will remember that we are a civil society that values differing opinions (I just laughed out loud when I typed that) and that we will get through the next four years the same way we got through the last four years, the four years before that, the four years before that, the four years before that and so on.

But just in case it does go down that way, I’ll be over here trying on boots and eating beef jerky.

Advice Dumb Shit I Do Minnesota Things I Really Like Winter

Storing Geraniums over the Winter

October 13, 2016
Storing Geraniums over the Winter

Did you know you’re supposed to be storing geraniums over the winter? Did you know that these incredibly hardy plants can last for decades if stored properly? That’s right, there is no need to purchase new geraniums each year. Geraniums are actually perennials even though they are grown as annuals in many parts of the country.

I love geraniums because their blooms are bursting with color that seem to last well into the fall. Geraniums have a lovely, delicate fragrance and it’s really challenging to kill them. They can handle being over-watered and under-watered. If you have a cabin up north, you don’t need to worry about hiring the neighbor kid to water them while you’re away for the weekend. They’ll endure under considerable neglect.

Storing Geraniums over the Winter

Overwintering geraniums is pretty easy. There are three ways to store your geraniums: keep them blooming and growing, letting them go dormant and making cuttings from them. I prefer letting my geraniums go dormant because it’s the easiest way.

Potted Geraniums – This method is generally for geraniums that have been planted in the ground during the growing season. Dig up the plant and place in a put with ample room for the rootball. Prune it back a bit and water thoroughly. Keep the plant in a cool and well lit area in your home. You’ll want as much sunlight as possible so a southern facing window works well. There still may not be enough light so the plant may get a little spindly or leggy. You can use a plant light if you prefer.

storing geraniums over the winter

Make them go Dormant – This is my preferred method of wintering my geraniums, mostly because it is the easiest and because I have a cat who eats houseplants. Many sites will tell you to water the plant during its dormancy, and that may work. I don’t bother. I pull the pots in before the first freeze and place them all in a dark area of the basement. I actually put them in an unused shower in the basement so I can shut the door and keep the cat out.

I don’t think about the plants until spring. Let me repeat that. I don’t water them, I don’t hang them upside down and I don’t let them have any light. They are out of sight and out of mind.

When spring comes I bring them outside into the shade at first, and soak them as they are moved into more and more light. After about a week I put them back into direct sunlight and pretty much forget about them until fall when it’s time to overwinter them again. Of course I prune them each season and clip any dead blooms off the plant. I’ve used this method for over 15 years and have beautiful geraniums.

Storing geraniums for the winter

Cuttings – I’ve made cuttings from many plants, but not geraniums. I’m sure it works wonderfully because the plant is so hardy, I just haven’t had a reason to do it yet. Basically cut 3 or 4 inch cuttings and remove any leaves from the bottom of the cutting. Place into a pot filled with vermiculite. Make sure the drainage is good. You can place the cutting into a plastic bag to keep the cutting humid. Rooting should happen in about 6 to 8 weeks. Once they have rooted repot them into potting soil. Keep them in a cool well lit place until it’s warm enough to put them outside.

Pretty simple. Geraniums are one of my all time favorite flowers because they are so easy to care for, and their stunning blooms last and last.

Advice Dumb Shit I Do People politics Things that piss me off WTF?

OMG Stop Unfriending Each Other!!

October 12, 2016
Stop Unfriending Each Other!!

For the love of Pete, stop unfriending each other!! Every five minutes someone is challenging their Facebook friends and followers to unfriend them if they hold a different opinion about Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

If you support that lying, misogynistic, groping dumbass – well just unfriend me now“, or “If you think she actually supports women then you can just unfriend me right now, in fact, I’ll do it for you“, or “if you’re planning on voting for this douchebag, I want you to unfriend me” and on and on.


Additionally, people keep posting how so much more qualified Hillary Clinton is compared to Donald Trump, as if that is even a consideration.

Let’s Break it Down

Let me first say — I don’t like either of them and I’m not supporting or defending either’s behavior — but here’s the thing:

It’s not about their qualifications or their experience.

You can argue it should be, and you would still be wrong.

It’s about their agenda and what path they want to lead this country on.

People aren’t supporting Donald Trump because they also want to grope women without permission, they are not supporting Trump because they are racists (though it is certain that some racists support Trump, just as some of them support Hillary Clinton), people support Trump because they don’t like the direction they think Hillary will take this country.

Conversely, Hillary’s supporters are not women haters and they are not necessarily liars (though, again, there are probably many people who support Hillary who lie), it isn’t that they are liars that make them want to support her. They support her because they like the campaign promises she is making and foolishly believe she might be able to keep them.



They’re Both Deplorable!

This is an interesting campaign because usually the candidate’s qualifications are pretty equal. At least they both, usually, have some experience in public office. Here that is not the case. Here we have a candidate who is probably more qualified than any candidate in history running against someone who has absolutely no political experience.

This is why many people can’t understand why anyone with a brain might vote for someone like Trump (among a whole bunch of other issues). It’s not even that they don’t like Hillary (even though so many people have some really intense negative feelings about her), it’s that they don’t like the policies she plans on putting forward.

It is precisely because they have different agendas (and different parties) that they can both be deplorable and people will still vote for them. Their actions don’t matter. It’s disgusting, but it’s the truth.

Here’s an excellent article about why people will vote for Trump.

Stop Unfriending Each Other!!

Telling someone to unfriend you because you don’t agree with them on one subject is incredibly arrogant. Do you really think you have that much clout that you can wave your Facebook friendship in front of them and believe it will motivate them to change their deeply held beliefs? Are you that self absorbed? Are we still in middle school?

God, it’s like Facebook has turned into Mean Girls. Do this or you are out of the club!

Unfriending someone because they don’t like Hillary or because they plan on voting for Trump is a waste of time, though it will cull your friends to a more homogenous list. And I suppose that’s always more fun – to have friends who think the exact same way that you do.

Advice People politics WTF?

Hillary Clinton is Not a Badass

September 12, 2016

Since it was divulged that Hillary Clinton has pneumonia, social media has lit up with memes about Hillary Clinton’s super human stamina. Hillary Clinton is not a badass, Hillary Clinton is just like every other woman on this planet who ignores her own health. And it’s a stupid thing to do.

This isn’t a political post, I don’t care for Hillary Clinton’s policies or much of her character, but this isn’t about Hillary the politician, this is about Hillary the woman, wife, mother, grandmother, friend and colleague.

Hillary Clinton is Not a Badass

I get that she is campaigning for the toughest job in the world, I also get that she is between a rock in a hard place when it comes to fessing up about her health. Donald Trump has been making an issue of her nagging cough for months and months. Prior to yesterday, I just thought it was more campaign rhetoric. She’s yelling each and every day, of course her voice is going to be horse and it’s not a stretch that she would have a cough. Flying around in a jet with its canned air isn’t doing her throat any favors either, I am sure.

I get it.

But she missed an opportunity here. Most women I know push past the pain so we can take care of the kids, the husband/wife, the parents, the job. Most women I know need a push to schedule that mammogram, appointment with the endocrinologist or the cardiologist. This past week my Facebook feed had too many to count stories of women who ended up in the ER with symptoms not unlike Hillary Clinton’s this past weekend. Overheating, dehydration, racing heartbeat (that’s the one that usually, finally gets our attention. And it should since heart disease is the leading cause of death for women), dizziness and confusion. Could be a heart attack, could be anxiety, could even be pneumonia. We won’t know unless we see a doctor. And we won’t get better if we don’t follow their advice.

Hillary was diagnosed with a pneumonia on Friday when her physician, Dr. Lisa R. Bardack, examined her. I assume an X-ray was performed.

“Secretary Clinton has been experiencing a cough related to allergies. On Friday, during follow-up evaluation of her prolonged cough, she was diagnosed with pneumonia. She was put on antibiotics, and advised to rest and modify her schedule. While at this morning’s event, she became overheated and dehydrated. I have just examined her and she is now rehydrated and recovering nicely,” Bardack said.

When diagnosed with pneumonia Hillary should have canceled her scheduled events for at the very least the next few days. Would social media have exploded because she didn’t attend the 9/11 memorial? Yes. But instead of pushing through the illness, like most of us do, she could have taken this opportunity to address this really bad practice among Americans. We take our health for granted and it shouldn’t take tripping into the Scooby Van to help us come to our senses.

Ignoring your health is not badass. Whether you are a mother who ignores her health because she feels as if no one else will step up in her stead or you are the President of the United States (or campaigning for that job). Being badass means you know when to say when and are thick skinned enough to let the insults roll off your back about it (something she has done rather well so far). Being badass means putting on your oxygen mask before putting it on those around you.

Advice Minnesota People politics WTF?

What’s Happening to Our Nation?

July 8, 2016
If you're like me, you're probably wondering what's happening to our nation? Yesterday, following the killing of Philando Castile, I was moved to go to the protest at the Governor's mansion in St. Paul.

If you’re like me, you’re probably wondering what’s happening to our nation? Yesterday, following the killing of Philando Castile, I was moved to go to the protest at the Governor’s mansion in St. Paul. I’ve wanted to write about this issue for a long time, but have never known what to say. Witnessing the peaceful protest at the Governor’s mansion didn’t help me much. For the last two days, the internet has erupted with outrage over yet another (and another) black life cut short by a cop. And rightfully so. I’ve wanted to write about this, but I’ve been afraid to. I won’t bother addressing those fears here, they’re not irrelevant, but they don’t move the conversation forward. I probably wouldn’t have written about the protest for Philando if it hadn’t been for the events that followed later in Dallas.

What’s Happening to Our Nation?

Following the killing of  Philando Castile, which immediately followed the killing of Alton Sterling, social media lit up with all kinds of angry pronouncements about how white people can “help”. Helpful memes were created to unintentionally enflame race relations. White people proudly displayed their “white privilege” guilt as if it were a badge of honor. White people, some of us, became woke. Instead of simply coming together to mourn the lost lives, the injustice and the loss of what was left of our innocence, white people seem to be trying to gain the most points by proclaiming their privileged guilt. But there are no solutions in that.

I hate the term “white privilege”, mostly because I don’t believe the word privilege is an accurate description of the idea that is being put forth. I get it, I get the meaning of the phrase and I wholeheartedly agree it is a real thing. I also hate the term because it immediately shuts down any meaningful discussion about the problems we face. If we can’t discuss the issues, we certainly can’t solve them.

Think Differently?

We used to be able to hold differing opinions. Now, we must all be in agreement. If not, the internet reaction is swift and mighty. Don’t agree with me? Then you must be a racist.

As a white, middle aged, woman I never worry about being pulled over in my little SUV crossover while rocking out to the softer sides of the 80s. Even when I go above the speed limit by 5 or 6 mph, I know the odds are good I will not get pulled over. Broken taillight? I’ve never been pulled over for one, though I have had many. I don’t worry about being followed in department stores because the clerk is worried I will shoplift. And I certainly never worry about being shot dead by a police officer.

But privilege to me, has always meant something that was earned and that could be also taken away. I did not earn my whiteness and I cannot remove it. In these times, because I really do want to help make things better, my whiteness has become a burden. And yet, there are still so many things I take for granted because I am white.

I understand that.

Hands are Tied

I keep starting each paragraph with a story that exemplifies what I am trying to convey. And then I remember, sharing those stories is another way not to help. The thing is, it is a way to connect. And we need to connect more with one another if we want to change the way things currently are. I’ve been told over and over what not to do, as a white person, these past few days. I want to help be the change, I want things to be better for everyone in this great country of ours, I want equality for all. And yet I know that simply wanting something to happen rarely makes it happen. Action must be taken.

Philando Castile Protest


The reason I was not compelled to write about my visit to the Governor’s Mansion was because I saw privilege at that protest. Not white privilege, but American privilege. There were a few hundred people at the protest. People of all color, age, gender, sexuality, and political persuasion. People were there with their children and their pets. Neighbors welcomed the protestors into their neighborhood with tables of bottled water, granola bars and even opened the doors of their churches for people to use the bathroom and get out of the heat. The police were there in large numbers. They were protecting the proetestors’ right to assert their first amendment rights even if the words they were speaking were against the police officers. There was no fear at this protest. People were calm, they were not worried that someone might start shooting at the crowd.

Philando Castile Protest

A similar protest took place in Dallas later that evening. It too was a peaceful protest, until it wasn’t. Someone did the unimaginable and started picking off cop after cop. 5 dead, 6 wounded at last count. And the cops continued to protect those that were protesting while getting shot.

Be the Change You Wish To See in the World

Frustrated, I don’t know how to change things. I do know I have no control over a cop and how he handles himself. I also have no control over a shooter who wants to kill as many cops as he can before he gets shot dead. I only have control over the way I react to these things.

Even though I don’t know how to change the nation, I still want to try. I do know that it starts with community, something that has changed so drastically in the last couple of decades. And I’m not even sure we can put that genie back in the bottle. But, I know this – spewing rhetoric on social media is not “community”. Sure, we may be surrounded by like minded people, but those aren’t the people who live on our block.

Unplug to Reconnect

I’m going to spend less time online in the coming months. That isolation and anonymity doesn’t do anyone any good. I want to have these important conversations, but I want to do so with people in real life. I want to discuss these issues with members of my community instead of on some Facebook thread of someone who lives three states away. I know I can’t solve this problem on my own, and I know I won’t change the world, but I can make a difference in my own community if I get out and get to know my neighbors.

We fear what we don’t know, so let’s get out there and get to know each other so we stop fearing each other.

What We Can Do

National Night Out is next month. If you haven’t already, start planning a block party.

Unplug from the internet. Get out and get to know your neighbors.

When online, don’t read the comments.

Think before you react or leave a comment.

Be kind.

Treat others the way you would like them to treat you.



Advice politics Things that piss me off

The Trouble With The Republicans

February 12, 2016
the trouble with Republicans, Republican symbol, Elephant with flag

The trouble with the Republicans is – OMG there are so many problems with the Republicans, and Donald Trump isn’t the worst of them. I’m not a political expert. For the most part I don’t really know what they are talking about a lot of the time. I believe I pay more attention to politics than the average American but my grasp of foreign policy and economics are severely lacking. I worry that I am a low information voter. And yet I’ve watched enough of this campaign to believe that I can actually offer some insight into winning if anyone is interested. The problem with the Republicans is that they take themselves way too seriously and they have no understanding of public relations. They’re wasting so much time preaching to the choir about issues that are irrelevant when it comes right down to it.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The Trouble With The Republicans

Donald Trump

Let’s start with Donald Trump… While he may not actually be a conservative, he’s certainly stirring the party up. Currently he’s way ahead of the rest of the pack in the polls. I’m not the only one who thought he’d be out of the race by August, and yet here he is going stronger than ever. I’m still not even considering giving him my vote, but I do love that he is shaking up the party and the process. He’s going to ensure that another Bush does not occupy the Oval Office and for that I am grateful. I am a little saddened that he’s been given so much attention and because of that some of the really decent candidates have quit. I’m mostly talking about Rand Paul. Other than that, I’m enjoying the panic and anxiety he’s causing to the party and the other candidates on both sides of the campaign. The RNC can’t control Trump, and that is how it should be. It’s just too bad that you have to be a billionaire to consider a run for office of the President of the United States.

Republicans are Namby Pamby

I’ve spent a fair amount of time watching the debates, and so far not one of them has come up with an interesting or original idea. They are towing the same conservative line – blah blah blah defund abortion, blah blah blah repeal Obamacare, blah blah blah Ronald Reagan…etc, etc, ad nauseam. I want to know how they are going to get people who have left the job market back into it. I want to know how they are going to fix our broken public school system. I want to know if they really understand why affordable health insurance is such a clusterfuck in this country. We have a race problem in this country and so far only Rand Paul was willing to address it. I get it, it’s a scary thing to discuss, especially for a bunch of middle aged white guys, but it seriously needs to happen. And while I know this will never happen, I’d really love to hear one of them say “Hey, that was a good idea that  my opponent had, let’s see if we can’t explore it and implement it because it could help a lot of people.”

Republicans have a PR Problem

The Republican candidates are great at talking about reducing welfare or defunding Planned Parenthood. The problem they have is they never give reasonable explanations for why those might be good ideas. They have allowed the left to define them on issues such as minimum wage and welfare reform. Because they have allowed the left to define them they come off sounding like bigots and misogynists. I’d like to see one of them talk about the difference between a hand out and a hand up, and then work really hard at offering that hand up to those in need.


All politicians pander, that’s not news. I’d just really like it if someone didn’t. Trump and Sanders come closest to not pandering to the voters, but that’s only because they haven’t practiced it enough like the rest of the candidates. As the race gets tighter both of them are now beginning to promise things that even they look like they’d have to hold their nose to accomplish. Thankfully, most campaign promises never come to fruition.


The campaign is boring. So far the most exciting thing about the Republican campaign has been Donald Trump calling Cruz a ‘pussy’ and the fact that Cruz hired a soft core porn star to be in one of his commercials.


And then they fired her. They fired her because she had a job for which they didn’t approve. The Republicans are all about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and working for a living – except if it gives them a hard on. You’d think the Republicans were all celibate based on their fear of sex. If the Republicans want to win Presidential elections they’re going to have to stop obsessing about everyone else’s sex lives, and just get on with worrying about their own business. I believe if they could just do that one thing, they’d be an unstoppable force.

Next week – The Trouble with the Democrats.


Advice Reviews Things I Really Like

Best Valentine’s Day Present

January 22, 2016
Valentine's Day gift ideas

Over the past several years I’ve been writing this funny little blog I’ve talked a few times about what not to get someone for various holidays. I’ve talked about the worst gifts you could give (because I’ve received them) but I’ve never written a post about the best Valentine’s Day gifts to give before. I’ve written about the worst Mother’s Day gifts, the worst Christmas present ever and the worst Valentine’s Day gifts. In most of those posts I caution anyone who is looking to give a heartfelt gift to steer clear of appliances, especially those that assist with household chores.

Today, I take that all back.

If you’re looking to give the perfect gift to your aunt, your wife, you mother, your daughter, your father your brother, your boyfriend or girlfriend – whoever you want to present with a gift, then consider getting them a Dyson.

Yes, I’m suggesting buying your loved one, your Valentine, a vacuum.

When I wrote those other posts I had never used a Dyson. Now, after all these years, I have.

The Dyson is such a superior product I don’t even know how to articulate it.

I’ve had so many crappy vacuums over the years (they’re all crappy compared to the Dyson) and I’ve had some pretty decent ones (Oreck). None of them even come close to the Dyson.

I have two dogs, two cats, two children and two parakeets. My house smells like dog butt and there is hair EVERYWHERE.

Not anymore.

Last week I got a Dyson from QVC (easy pay rules!). This thing is so amazingly wonderful I feel like Monica about taking care of my vacuum.

(OMG that looks like an old Dyson!!)

Now that I have vacuumed my house with a Dyson, my house no longer smells like dog butt, I don’t have cobwebs, I don’t have dust bunnies, I don’t have cat hair everywhere.

This superior vacuum makes me want to make my house worthy of its service. I am compelled to paint the walls, fix the stairs, and upgrade the electric service now that I have this wonderful machine.

Why didn’t anyone every tell me how wonderful this machine was?

Get your loved one a Dyson for their birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Hanukah, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Get them this wonderful appliance and turn their life around!

Get them chocolate and wine too, just in case.


Advice Dumb Shit I Do WTF?

I’ve Become A Prepper!

July 17, 2015
Go Bag Contents, prepper

I don’t prepare for anything, my whole life I’ve winged it but as of yesterday I’ve become a prepper!

What is a prepper you ask? It’s apparently people who are just a tad less crazy than the Ted Kazinskis of the world. A prepper is someone who is prepared for the end of the world or at least the demise of civility when our infrastructure goes down due to incompetence or terrorists.

Noun — a person who believes a catastrophic disaster or emergency is likely to occur in the future and makes active preparations for it, typically by stockpiling food, ammunition, and other supplies.

Last week the NYSE was suspended due to a computer glitch, United Airlines grounded all flights also due to a technical glitch and while no one in the US paid much attention both the Greek and Chinese economies were in free fall.

That’s the kind of shit they make movies about. In fact they did, it was called Live Free or Die Hard and starred Bruce Willis and a bunch of other people. The gist of the movie is that with just a few lines of code a hacker could basically render our country frozen because we rely so heavily on computers for our infrastructure. Our electrical grid, gas lines, water supply, and communications can be disrupted easily and when that happens it takes about three days for civilization to cease to exist.

After about three days most of food that is in your fridge will spoil so after that you’re eating canned food or fresh food. With food in short demand you have to either kill your own or start to scavenge for it. I don’t care what William Devane say – when the shit hits the fan all that gold you’ve been buying will be worthless. If you want to survive in a post apocalyptic world you’re going to have to know a few basic skills like how to find water, how to find or kill food and you’re going to have to know how to protect yourself from the people who aren’t prepared and want to take the shit you prepared from you.

I watch The Walking Dead and I know exactly what it takes to survive when the world goes to shit. So, I ordered a Go Bag online and some of those envelopes of dried food and figured we’re good at least for a few days. Hopefully when the apocalypse happen I’ll have a full tank of gas and will have charged everything.

My daughter is not happy about my becoming a prepper – and I use that word loosely. Preppers to me are like the characters played by Reba McEntire and Michael Gross in Tremors. Those were people worthy of the prepper moniker. I have no guns, not even a flare gun. I have a multi tool thing with a cork screw so basically if there’s wine to be opened I’m your man.

Getting back to the kid – she isn’t happy about this. She thinks by preparing for bad stuff that it makes it more likely to happen. I felt the same way when I was a kid so I get it and tell her the stuff is for camping. It’s got a shelf life of two years so if the apocalypse doesn’t happen by 2017 we’re going to camping for a couple of weeks.

I haven’t tried any of the dried packages of food, though I have looked at the nutritional information. Basically if you have a nut allergy, you’re screwed when the apocalypse happens. And the daughter has a nut allergy so in addition to stocking up on food, water and gear now I have to start hoarding benadryl and epi pens.

They make gluten free survival food but not nut free?



Advice Sex

How to Incorporate Fifty Shades of Grey into Your Sex Life

February 18, 2015

If you’re among the hundreds of millions who have seen or read Fifty Shades of Grey, you’re probably left with one burning question: how do I get my sex life to look more like that?

As Elite Daily reports, those living in NYC or LA can put their name on a (very long, we’re sure) list for a one-of-a-kind sexual experience straight out of the mind of E.L. James. But if you aren’t willing to shell out thousands of dollars (or wait who knows how many months) in order to partake in the exclusive Mr. Grey experience, there’s hope for you yet. Here are a few simple, and inexpensive, ways to incorporate Christian and Ana-worthy passion into your own love life.

Talk the (Dirty) Talk

According to RedBook, a recent poll found that 50 percent of people are bored in their relationships and crave more sexual adventure. In addition to adding some variety and zest to your sex life, going outside of your comfort zone could ultimately bring you and your partner closer together. It’ll happen not only in the bedroom, but in the everyday intimate moments you share as well.

Before jumping right into role-play inspired by Fifty Shades, make sure you carve out some time to discuss how you and your significant other envision the experience going. If your partner has already seen the film or read the books, discuss your favorite scenes and go from there, delving into your own fantasies and fetishes as you talk. If your lover is new to the racy series, introduce the possibility of incorporating the material into your sex life by sharing the passages you’re most drawn to, telling your partner what intrigues you about the scenes. Chances are they’ll be just as interested as you are in giving something new a try.

While putting Fifty Shades into practice is all about the feeling of letting go and giving up control to your partner, it’s important to remember that you should only go as far as either of you are comfortable with. Thus, you need to communicate your boundaries well before you step into the bedroom (and into any role-playing). Talk about your fantasies, your desires, and especially your limits. Choosing a safe word will help to establish trust between you and your lover, and it ensures play stays at a pace that feels right for both of you.


Though Fifty Shades takes BDSM to a more intense level than many of us may feel comfortable with for a first time role-playing scenario, easing into the dominant and submissive roles with your partner is a great way to dip your toes into the S&M water. Allow your lover to give you orders (or vice versa), such as “touch me there” or commanding them to “fetch” an item for you.

Next, try out a simple blindfold or light restraint by using a soft scarf or silky tie. Minimizing one sense, such as sight, enhances the other senses, making even the graze of your partner’s fingertips feel incredibly erotic against sensitive skin. For even more electrifying sensations, trail an ice cube down your lover’s stomach or back. As Cosmopolitan notes, restraining your partner and rubbing them down with something icy is an ideal way to make things feel more extreme without involving any pain or serious discomfort.

Ready for more? Take it to the next level by acting out the more intense scenes from Christian’s playbook.

Add to Your Reading List

The best part about erotica (besides the steamy scenes) is the freedom they allow for exploration in the bedroom. Reading a kinky novel can inspire new ideas and even increase the level of comfort you have with living out those fantasies in real life. Adam and Eve remarks that bringing Christian and Anastasia’s sensual tales to life can lead to hours of pleasure in the bedroom, not to mention a hotter sexual experience overall. What’s more, there is an ever-increasing number of options available for your erotic reading pleasure, from how-to guides to fiction to non-fiction offerings and everything in between. Whatever you’re into, there’s definitely a book for that. Sure, Fifty Shades may have been your first foray into the world of naughty novels, but why stop there? As Prevention points out,
reading erotica, whether it be alone or with a partner, can boost your libido, making for better orgasms and a more fulfilling sex life all around.

Advice Dumb Shit I Do Winter

How I Tamed the Snowblower Beast

November 11, 2014
snowblower engine, new snowblower

If we still had minstrels they’d write a song about how I tamed the snowblower beast – all by myself no less. As a Minnesota blogger I take on most of my tasks with the idea that I will probably write about them. Usually something goes wrong and it’s worthwhile to take a few pictures and have a laugh or two at my expense. I know a little about a lot of things and can handle most fix-it jobs around the house without assistance but occasionally one comes along that intimidates me just a bit. Learning how to assemble the snowblower was one of those things.

I have tools (not the ex husband) and am not afraid to use power tools if I have to. I’m not afraid but truth be told I probably don’t really know how to use them properly. I’ve found that I’ve acquired a decent set of tools over the years but most jobs require a butter knife and nothing more.

Assembling the snowblower required more than a butter knife but not by much. Most of the challenge was getting the damn thing out of the box. I bought the snowblower a few months ago, long before snow was in the forecast and while it was still balmy out. I purchased it when I did because it was on sale and I wanted to save $50 and because I didn’t want to be putting it together right before a storm or even worse, right after one. I had plenty of time to put the snowblower together but every time I thought about tackling the project I found something better to do. The box was big, it was difficult just to get out of the car and I really didn’t know how I was going to cut around the box like it showed on the box opening instructions not unlike Ikea packaging.

Instead of taking a box cutter and cutting a top out of the box (because I knew I’d cut myself, that’s why) I decided to turn the box over and open it up that way. It wasn’t a bad idea either except I ended up with one flap tucked under the box and ended up having to cut that which wasn’t that big of a deal once I got into it.

Once I got it out of the box I was tasked with the removal of the box which caused a fair amount of anxiety since it was Saturday and recycling day was the day before. Now I had a huge box that had no place to go for a week. I set it on top of the discarded TV from 2007 and haven’t thought much about it since (yes, missing another recycling day).

The box was a distraction from the real task at hand. I could put the handle on and make it upright. All that was necessary there was to screw on two bolts to each side of the handle. After pulling it upright of course.


That was the easy part. The scary part was figuring out what to do with the bag of extras that was in the box. Included with the red and black behemoth was a bottle of oil and some other plastic things.

It was at this point where I left the garage and came inside to check the weather.

The storm wasn’t due for a couple more days and I was hoping my neighbor would return from hunting soon so he could to the rest. Putting oil into a machine scares the crap out of me for some reason. It’s irrational, I know. The problem is I’ve seen people put the oil in the wrong part of the machine causing my dad to yell and scream and accuse said idiot of not knowing anything about machines (which would be accurate). Not wanting to repeat that scene even if he has been dead for 8 years I was a little worried about where to put the oil.

On an ironic side note I froze up an engine on a ’72 Nash because I didn’t check the oil. I’d only had the ugly ass car for a couple of weeks and no one (I’m talking to you dad) had ever told me about putting oil in the car.

Where was I?

It’s not like there was more than one place to put the oil. There were two places to put fluids into the engine. The gas tank and the oil thing. The gas cap was clearly marked but the place to put the oil was not and that was what tripped me up for three days while I waited for my neighbor to return.

pink flamingo covered in snow

In the mean time storm Astro arrived and dumped a whole of 1.5 inches on St. Paul. A snowblower wasn’t necessary to remove the snow so I was off the hook until the next storm. Surely by then my neighbor would have returned from hunting, right?

He’s still not back so after texting my brother a rambling text about the snowblower, and getting shamed by him for not actually reading the operator’s manual I found my courage and poured the oil in the only other place to pour anything.

Nothing blew up, even though nothing was turned on, so I figured it was all good. I added some gas, I put the key in the slot and pulled the rip cord.

It actually started up!!!

I engaged the auger and tore up some of my driveway and then the engine killed reaffirming my belief that I should not be allowed to play with any kind of engine.

Upon closer inspection of the words that are printed on the back of the machine I learned that the rip cord should be pulled while the lever is switched to choke and that once started it should be moved to run instead of the other way around.

Amazing how it works so much better now. And, it makes a decent lawn mower in a pinch.IMG_0290

Advice Minnesota Winter

How to Prepare for and Survive a Minnesota Winter

November 9, 2014
Minnesota winter survival kit

It’s coming, sooner than we’d hoped but just about on schedule, really. The powers that be at the weather center are predicting a Polar Vortex in the next 48 hours. Montana is expected to reach a low of -9 while places in the Midwest, including Minnesota, are expecting a foot of snow by Tuesday. If you’re from other parts of the country and you’re not sure how to prepare for a Minnesota winter (because that’s what’s being predicted for half the country – at least for the next week, but not MN because we won’t see the grass again until late April or early May) listen up because I’m going to tell you all you need to know to survive a Minnesota Winter.

Basically you’ll need to focus on these three areas – Warmth, Snow Removal and Sustenance – to survive a Minnesota winter.


Get your furnace checked now. Ideally you should have had it checked a lot sooner but that’s ok, in Minnesota we wait until after the first snow fall to do most of our winter preparedness but then winter lasts 8 and 3/4s months around here so basically we’re always ready. Change your filters, clean the air vents or bleed the radiators if you’re lucky enough to have them.

To keep the warmth in your home you’ll need to make sure your home is sealed up tight. That means 3M Window Film, though in MN we call it 3M Window Tape because you tape the film to the window and 3M makes tape, Scotch Tape, just FYI. There are all kinds of copycat window sealing kits at the hardware store and they cost considerably less than the 3M version but they never work as well and no one in Minnesota buys non 3M products. I don’t even know why they stock the other brands, probably for out of towners who don’t know better.

What you wear when you are outside is also important. In Minnesota we don’t don our coats and boots until the first snowfall. The temperature doesn’t matter, if there is no snow on the ground you’ll see people wearing shorts and flip flops. Once the first flakes fly we pull out our Carhartts, or puffy down jackets and Sorel boots. We don’t usually bother with scarves or ear muffs until January and then only while ice fishing on a windy lake. Mittens and gloves are important but often forgotten or lost.

Snow Removal

In Minnesota we’ve actually had winters with little snow. The winter of 1983-84 we had just 14.2 inches of snow but usually we get upwards of about 50 inches each year. That’s a lot of snow to move and if you don’t have a decent shovel, a couple of college kids to remove it or a working snowblower you’re not going to survive the winters of Minnesota. You need a way to get from your house to your garage (if you live in the city where the garages are unattached) or you’ll need a way to clear your driveway (if your garage is attached to the house). No matter where your garage is you’re going to have to move the snow off of it and that means work.

Minnesotans develop a nice layer of subcutaneous fat, usually acquired at Friday fish fries, taco Tuesdays and Booyas. While we my have larger asses than folks in other states we have some pretty buff forearms and biceps from moving all that snow. You’ll often hear of 89 year old ladies beating off would be muggers with their bare hands because we have such great upper body strength due to all the snow removal.


If you want to survive a Minnesota winter you’re going to have to stock your pantry with Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup, tuna fish, canned green beans and French’s Fried Onions because you’re going to be eating Hot Dish for the next 6 or 7 months. Don’t worry, you won’t be eating Tuna Hot Dish forever, just until the day after Thanksgiving when you can switch out the tuna with turkey and eat turkey hot dish until Christmas/Hanukah when you can use those leftovers to get you through New Year’s when you switch back to tuna. See Tuna Hot Dish recipe below.

That’s really all it takes to survive a Minnesota winter. You might be wondering what it is we do all winter long, what keeps us entertained. Why haven’t I included any tips of entertainment? We’re too busy removing snow, preparing to remove snow or talking about removing snow to do much of anything else. Thankfully hockey season lasts all year long.

Tuna Hot Dish Recipe

1 can tuna
1 can Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup
Half a box of cooked elbow macaroni
French’s Fried Onions

Mix tuna, soup and cooked noodles in oven safe casserole, cook at 350° for 30 minutes. Remove hot dish and sprinkle the French’s Fried Onions on top and return to oven for another 15 minutes or until onions are golden.

Optional ingredients for non Minnesotans who want some flavor in their food:

Half a cup chopped celery
1/4 cup chopped onions or you can substitute with French’s Fried Onions
1/2 cup frozen peas

And here is the original Campell’s recipe though I caution you because it calls for pimientos and that’s just too extreme for Minnesotans.